Just A Reminder

If you haven't done so already, check out my website project for school!! I would love to have you sign my guestbook on that website! Tell me what you think !http://davidstarnes.webs.com/

Also, ideas for my nightclub business plan are still welcome! I love the ideas suggested so far. Leave a comment here and let me know what you think!!!

Updates and Rambles

I'm exhausted this week. I'm worn out; from what I don't know. I almost feeling like I'm trying to fight off a cold. I've woken up with headaches twice this week. I think they are stress related.

So far, my grades are good in school. I have an "A" in two classes and a "B" in my online class. I'll take it and be happy. I should be able to pull that one up before the end of the semester and maintain the "A's". I'm plugging along in the classes. I have to admit though, with all that is going on with my mother, my heart and head just isn't in it.

My father and I are still painting the old place. We have finished up painting the walls, ceiling and almost finished with the trim work. I had thought about taking pictures of it, but painting isn't a very exciting thing to photograph. I'll wait till we do something a little more dramatic.

My crush/obsession with Jeff has waned. I still like him and we interact through emails, but reality has set in for better or worse. I just don't have the time or resources to devote to wooing anyone right now. That's okay. If it is meant to happen it will, with whomever I'm suppose to be with, whenever the time is right. I'll continue my lonely march for now. But when everything is done with my parents and school is finished, heaven help the world when I unleash my fabulousness upon it.

Just a Reminder

If you haven't done so already, check out my website project for school!! I would love to have you sign my guestbook on that website! Tell me what you think !
http://davidstarnes.webs.com/

Also, ideas for my nightclub business plan are still welcome! I love the ideas suggested so far. Leave a comment here and let me know what you think!!!

Wednesday Tease

This makes me smile...

What Do You Have To Smile About?

You Have Your Friends to Smile About

You are truly blessed to have good people in your life. Your friends get you through the good times and the bad times. You can't help but smile whenever you're around your friends. Even thinking about them brings a grin to your face. You feel like everything will be okay in your life, as long as you have a support network. And you get a lot of happiness from supporting your friends in return. You believe that people truly do need each other.

What Do You Have To Smile About?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

Tuesday Tease

Very tempting...

Don't Hate

Hate. It is a very strong, ugly word. I was raised to say "I dislike" something instead of saying, "I hate" something. It has a bad vibe to it. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth after you utter it. I still try to refrain from using it.

However, as the non-debate for equal right for GLBT persons as trudged on, the word does seem to be the only descriptive that aptly applies. There was a time, I recall, when having someone tolerate me was okay. I saw it as comprise. They didn't have to like me. They still don't. Surprisingly, there are people and behaviors I don't like. I tolerate it.

The problem is, while I tolerate people and behaviors I don't like or even understand, I have never thought that person to be less than a human being' a person deserving of respect, dignity, equality, or protection. I never "hated" them because of their difference. Never wished them harm in any way. I never tried to tell them they were"wrong" for behaving or believing differently than me. I never tried to pass laws that would make them less than me. I never tried to stop them from serving their country if they chose to. I never protested their funerals, or boycotted businesses thta believed as they did. I never told them they were abominations, they were morally corrupt, they were responsible for the evils of the world. I just let them be and stayed out of their way, to live their life as they saw fit.

Now, I'm beginning to feel something I don't like. I'm being to feel anger and resentment. I'm beginning to feel animosity toward some of these people that believe and behave differently than me. I still see the human being behind it. I have lost respect for them. I've lost tolerance for them. I'm now beginning to "hate" them. I don't like that. That wasn't the way I was raised .

Maybe the problem was tolerance. You tolerate a cold and do your best to rid yourself of it. It seems like the same behavior toward the GLBT community. We were tolerated, but since we became stronger, and have not faded into the background, some folks want to be rid of us and by any means necessary. The converse is true here as well. The GLBT community tolerated people hating us, treating us as less than, denying us our rights, and yes, even murdering us. We never pushed back with the same force as was used against us. We were tolerate and patient.

Now comes the time to change that. We have it within our means to seize what is deservedly ours. We don't have to yell louder than the other guy. We don't have to lie about the other guy. We just speak the truth. We expose the truth. We repeat the truth. We fight back with truth. It beats, hands down, anything the "tolerate" people can do. After all, I don't want to hate people. I want everyone to get along. I want to be left alone, unimpeded to live my life just as everyone else. Nothing more. Nothing less. Don't make me a hater too.

Food For Thought

If we are truly judged by the company we keep, what does it say about us on a planet of 6.5 billion people?

~ Ultra Dave

Monday Tease

I'll hold that for ya!!!

Without You

Sitting here, as the sun fades.
Another day over, another night to begin.
Wondering what to do.
Thinking of you.
Are you feeling this way too?
Empty nights follow empty days.
All the fun gone but not erased.
Traces of laughter and love,
smudged like fingerprints.
My mind wanders,
waffling between now and then;
dreaming of when.
Longing for a connection.
Looking for a break.
Another day ends the same as it began.
Without you.

Just A Reminder

If you haven't done so already, check out my website project for school!! I would love to have you sign my guestbook! Tell me what you think !

http://davidstarnes.webs.com/

What Kind Of Kid Were You?

You Were a Creative Kid

When you were a kid, you always had to be doing something with your hands. Whether you were painting a picture or just doodling, you had to be creating something. You were too busy thinking about your future creations to listen in school. It's likely that every part of school was a challenge for you, except for art class.

What Kind of Kid Were You?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

End Of Me

If I could think of nothing clever to say
or nothing witty to write,
would that be the end of me?
If I could think of nothing kind to do
or nothing to be happy about,
would that be the end of me?
Are my words and deeds so much apart of me
that if they ceased, I do as well?
Are my thoughts and disposition so much apart of me
that if they ceased, I do as well?
Maybe I'm more than those combined.
Maybe I'm more than meets the eye.
For I am body and spirit.
For I am strength and weakness
Of the many things I am
and for the many things I am not,
I am unique.
I am me.

Friday Tease

I could use a guy

like this about now!!!

Cancer Update

Finally, a date has been set for my mother's breast cancer surgery. It will be March 17th, 2010. She has decided to have the complete breast removed and have reconstructive surgery, followed by chemo. Thankfully, last go round it was radiation treatment or she wouldn't be allowed the chemo this time. She is still in good spirits, but I can see, she is worrying under the surface. Who wouldn't? But she remains strong and determined to give it her best fight. I wish it would just go away and spare her all that lies ahead, but that isn't gonna happen. We all have to deal with what life throws at us, whenever it does, to the best of our ability. I'm sure she will be glad when all of this is behind her. I know I will.

All For You

Slow motion love.
A subtle seduction.
The bat of a lash.
The hint of a smile.
To hook you.
To reel you in.
Weaving a mystery.
Creating an intrigue.
To have you guessing.
To leave you wondering.
All for you.
All for you.

Thursday Tease

Must be a great phone call !!

Sport's Oops!

He sure does seem happy to be in that position.

Yeah Me!!!!!

Made 100 on my exam today!! WooHoo!!

What was I so worried about?

Food For Thought

Your life is not a happenstance. ~ Ultra Dave

Tuesday Tease

If golf were played this way,

it would be more interesting!!

Business Plan

Well, I've chosen the business to do my plan on for class. I went with something near and dear to my heart. Something I've spent a lot of time daydreaming about and some actual real time researching. I went with a nightclub. I'm very excited about it. More so than any of my other projects for school thus far. It will entail a great deal of work and thought, but I think being passionate about the subject will help make it great. So once again, I turn to my loyal readers for input. If you have any suggestions concerning what you would like to see or have enjoyed in a nightclub, pass them along. I'm open to input and fresh ideas. Thanks for your valuable support. :)

Update

The scans came back negative. The cancer hasn't spread.

Now to meet with one more doctor to discuss chemo

and the surgery can be scheduled. This has been

exhausting for me. I can't imagine

how it has been for my mother.

Thanks for all your kind words.

It really does mean a lot.

Monday Tease

Ummm........nice!!

Evening Feel Good

How cute is that face ?

Heart Beat of Eternity

Love, powerful and enabling
More than desire of the flesh, than yearning
More rare than a diamond
More valuable too
Giving heart and soul to another
Your life if need be
A racing pulse
A blush on the cheek
A shared bond seen by all
Undeniable
Unyielding
Thoughtful and kind
Forgiving and trusting
Love the heartbeat of eternity

V Day

Hope love finds you this day!!!

1983 Ultra Dave

These are from a photo shoot in 1983. I was 18 and just out of high school. I scanned these last night from the proof sheets I stumbled across. I wish the quality was better. Everything seems overexposed. But it's still a great memory!

There are others that are not suitable for this blog :) HeHe

Ten Years

Ten years.
Ten years to become happy with myself.
No more waiting and wondering.
No more eggshells to cross.
Time for me to discover.
Time for me to grow.
A process of becoming,
starting with undone.
Unraveling the mystery.
Sorting through our history.
There was good in all the bad
and bad in some of the good.
No regrets.
Our love was a process.
Learning. Growing. Changing.
Memories I now carry
solemn reminders of what can be great
and what should be avoided.
Ten years is a long time to be with.
And a long time to be without.

A new adventure awaits.

Happy Valentines Day

Wishing you all a very Happy Valentine's Day!

May all your days be filled with joy,

laughter and love!!

Saturday Tease

Doesn't this look inviting?

We Got SNOW !!!!

Friday Tease

This guy would certainly brighten my day!!

Mindless Ramble

I don't really know how to begin this post or end it. I have nothing clever or profound to say, but I have a need to just express myself at the moment. It will most likely ramble and not be cohesive, so bear with me.

I have so much stress right now. Concerns over my mother's health, my undrivable car, school assignments, money, unemployment, and all the accompanying feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and no control to go with it. Another Valentine's Day will soon be here with no one to share it with for 10th year in a row. No way to call people and just chat because I can't use the minutes up on the phone. No wine or champagne in the frig to even help mark the day. I worry a lot and hope for the best. I keep the hope that I too, can win the lottery and change my life while helping others. I feel very sad that all of these things are seemingly out of my control. I'm totally powerless in the face of cold reality. What I really need is a good cry, but I'm fearful that if I allow myself to start I won't stop. I need someone to just hold me while I sob, and tell me everything will be alright. I know that isn't available to me either, so here I sit, typing about the crap in my head. My heart is heavy with concern for my mother and how all of this will play out. I'm so scared I will lose her and I'm not ready for that. I worry about how all of this will effect my father and his health. There is nothing I can do about any of it. So I do the best I can to be strong for them. I try to plow on through it all and hope for the best, while expecting the worse, because that is just the way it always seems to be with me. I miss my friends so badly, I actually physically ache. I could have talked to them and cried and been hugged. It would have been some comfort. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be with someone again. I'm not sure I have that capacity left anymore. I'll feel hollow and like I'm on auto-pilot most days. I go through the motions, dealing with whatever comes up as best as I can, while trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. I'm still trying to lose weight in an effort to salvage my health and self esteem, but have hit a plateau. I just wish the world would stop long enough and let me get caught up. I don't want much. Don't need much. But it all seems so far out of reach. I have forgotten what is "normal" for me. Why can't everything just go away? Where is the reset button?

New Day

Shattered and battered
Lying on the floor
Head in a mess
Broken hearted
Reality crashes in
Regain balance
Reel in the pain
Slap it back
Beat it down
Head held high
Chest out
Life goes on
Tomorrow a new day

Wednesday Tease

I so need one of these at my house!!

Evening Giggle

Death Wish

* One Hundred Thousand *

100,000 Hits !!

3089 Comments !!

2210 Posts !!

400 Average Daily Hits !!

57 Loyal Followers!!

Since September 13th, 2008

My sincerest THANKS

to each of you !!

Tuesday Tease

School Update

I have a test tomorrow and one next Wednesday. I'm trying to study for them but it is difficult to concentrate at the moment on school work. I appreciate all the nice feedback on my web project! Y'all are the greatest! I plan to keep it updated, so check it often if you enjoyed it.

Cancer Update

My mother went for some scans today to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. She should receive the results within a week. If everything comes back ok, then they will schedule surgery soon afterward. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will come back negative and we can move forward. A part of me doesn't have a good feeling about this, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm not ready to lose anyone else any time soon.

Web Project

Here is a link to latest web project I did for school. I would appreciate if my wonderful readers would pay it a visit and sign the guestbook. It will look good for the teacher! Thanks so much!!!

Monday Tease

It's gonna be a beautiful day!

In Memoriam

March 20, 1965 - February 6, 2000

May you rest in peace my friend.

Let Me Tell You

Let me tell you about my day. It has not been a good one. First off, I've been working on the assignment for my online class to no avail. Nothing I have tried will get it to work properly. It is due tonight by midnight. I finally submitted it and said what the heck. I'm so gonna fail this class. Once again the instructor has been no help whatsoever!
Secondly, I visited my parents and learned my mother had fallen in the shower last night. She had a bruise on her arm the size of a pancake and a gash on the back of her head. It was bad enough my father took her to the emergency room. They waited for an hour, then came home without seeing any medical type person at all. She was tired of waiting. She seems to be okay, so she says. She is a retired nurse, so hopefully she will be looking for signs of a concussion.
Thirdly, I borrowed a little bit of money to take a trip into Charlotte after all that, to visit Jeff. Yep, I grew a pair overnight. After last week, and now this with my mother falling, and the stress of this online class, I just wanted to get away for a while. Jeff was having an open house so why no partake of free entertainment and get ideas for my house? He figured out who I was. Yeah! He showed me around the place, which was very nice by the way. I was upfront about not being there to buy but didn't mention anything other than that. There was a friend with him, that I have seen in many travel pics of his, who also is a mortgage guy. I'm thinking maybe he is the hidden boyfriend. Anyway, he didn't seem particularly interested in me as a person or old coworker , only a guy that wasn't buying his listing. He wasn't rude, and was even nice, but aloof.
Fourthly, when I get in my car to leave, it wouldn't go in gear. It won't go forward or backward, nothing. It didn't make any strange noises, no lights came on, nothing on the way there. It still started up fine, just putting it in gear made an awful racket. I figured the transmission went out. The car is a 2007! I called my father and he sent a tow truck to haul it and my dejected, frustrated ass home. In the morning, he will bring me his truck, so I can get to classes.
Tuesday, my mother goes for scans to make sure their isn't cancer anywhere else. Then they will schedule surgery.
As a bright spot, his friend is hot and more my type. He also offered to assist me when he saw me in the parking lot, bent over the front, looking under the hood. Jeff didn't and I was in the car he had to dodge to back up. It doesn't bode well for him. I'm not going to make excuses for him about that either.

Food For Thought

I am no longer tolerate of those who would treat me unjust. I hurt as deeply, love as deeply, pay taxes and want a happy, fulfilling life just as any human being. I am as valuable and imperfect as any of God's creations. I refuse to be treated as less than.~ Ultra Dave

Are You An Angel Or Devil?

You Are an Angel

You are a good person, even if you are a tad devilish from time to time. You do your best to do the right thing. You may be an angel, but you're not a goody-goody. You just don't want to cross any moral lines. You treat other people well, even if they don't want to treat you well in return. Pat yourself on the back for being such an ethical person. There should be more people like you in the world!

Are You An Angel or Devil?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Inside My Head

Since the discovery and confirmation of my mother's cancer over the last week, I've been out of sorts. While that is bad enough on it's on, dealing with school and helping my father paint the old place has really taken the wind out of my normally optimistic sails. My crush on Jeff is slowly abating, which is a good thing before it went into obsession or stalker mode. It just seems to me that I never catch a break. I'm never in the right place at the right time. Nor do my efforts produce an abundance of any sort. I'm not depressed, just applying some objective reality to my life and plans. The economy is worrying the hell out of me. I hope the certificate will help land me a job when I'm done, but given how overflowing the talent pool is and the shortage of positions, it isn't a done deal. Even crappy jobs are hard to find. Of course I'm petrified about this new cancer menace with my mother. I wonder if she will be able to bounce back after it or will she fall prey to something else while recovering. I can't even fathom how I would deal with it at this point. I still want a close friend to hang with to replace the one I lost nine years ago. Of those I thought could fill the bill, none seem to fit or really want to be a close friend. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a friend. Maybe money or a job is more important in helping define or sustain a friendship than I ever considered. I'm not even gonna go into relationship crap. As badly as I want one, I'm not ready for it. I don't have the time for it, till school and all the stuff with and for my parents is done. What I want and the reality are so far apart, I want to just chunk everything, find a nice quiet place to sit and think of nothing but how great my life once was, when there was real friends near by, a job to go to and I was in love. If wishing, hoping, praying, daydreaming, planning, or fantasizing about it made it true, I'd already be there.

Thursday Tease

I love music.....I wanna watch him play!!!