Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thanks Macy's

After working 11:30 pm till 9:30 am on Thanksgiving night/ Black Friday morning just to take advantage of the time and a half, 10% shift differential, and the holiday pay, it increased my paycheck by $15.90. It appears the time and a half only applied to the hour between 11pm and 12am and the 10% shift differential only from the hours of 12am till 4am. The holiday pay barely made up for the extra day off I was given that week. Thanks Macy's!

Monday, November 28, 2011

I Am

  • Overweight by 20 pounds/ But I did lose 75 pounds
  • Very hairy / But I do keep it trimmed and shaved
  • Mentally and emotional strong / But I can be hurt
  • A very good friend / But I can be driven away
  • Not in perfect shape / But I do have some muscles
  • Broke most of the time / But I do have a job
  • Not needy or lonely / But I do like to hang out or chat
  • Intelligent / But still feel stupid sometimes
  • Loyal / But realize when being mistreated or taken advantage of
  • Not living large / But I do inherit a trust fund
  • Generous with my time / But not gonna make all the effort
  • Not a good time charlie or fair weather friend / But there if needed
  • Sweet and caring / But can be a bitch if pushed
  • Well adjusted / But still have a few things that will set me off
  • A great communicator / But I can be secretive
  • Forgiving / But I don’t forget

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

For Thanksgiving tomorrow, I hope that everyone can find at least one small thing in their life to be thankful for and one great thing that made you who you are today. Thanksgiving isn't about the food, but the people who surround us everyday. Those we count as friend, coworker, neighbor or family. Those are the blessings in life, not the things we possess. Wishing all my blogger friends, a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Melancholy Morning

I spent some time with my father today, while my mother ran a few errands. I piddled about while he sat on the sofa with his oxygen tube on. The sparkle and depth have left his eyes. My mother helped him bathe this morning. His vigor and stamina is gone. He is wobbly when he walks. I went with him outside to sit in the swing and enjoy the fresh air. There were a few moments that I thought he may not make it back in the house without me picking him up. Some how he managed. His steps are slow and deliberate, though unsure at times. He worries me. My mother worries me. Even though they both weight the same now, she could not pick him up should he fall and not have the energy to get back up himself. He is so frail. His 6'3" frame is nothing but skin and bones now. I'm afraid he will fall and break something. Or my mother will be injured trying to help him in some way. I don't think I have enough left in me to take care of both of them at the same time if need be. I've signed up for Intermittent Family Leave at work. If they need me, I can be late, leave early or call in and it not count against me. It will just shorten my paycheck. My mother mentioned to me this morning that she don't think he will make it through Christmas. I was thinking the same thing, but secretly hope he does, so long as he isn't suffering. While he dozed on the sofa, and my mother got ready to leave, I stood at the dining room window, staring out at nothing and silently cried.

Things Have Changed

Out the window, blankly I stare
Falling leaves drift slowly to the ground
Barren trees standing silently in place
The melancholy of it all.
I think of happier times, happier places
knowing I can never return there again
Things have changed
Too many pieces of the happy missing from the puzzle of joy.
Profound loss, deep sadness saturate my being
There is no halting where life is heading
No stopping the march of time
Along for the ride, like it or not, ready or not.
I know what is coming and my soul aches.
Out the window, blankly I stare.
For at this moment, that is all I can do.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Queer Meme

From Spo, the dear.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
About 5. Always knew there was something special about the boys!

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Nope, never will either.

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
Not sure exactly. Don't recall ever being really "in".

4. Are you out to your family?

5. Do you want children?
No. When I was younger, I would have considered it.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
About evenly split.

7. Were you out in school?
Once again, not really in, but I didn't place it on a billboard either.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?

11. Have you ever been in a sling?

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
When I was about 12. Fooled even my grandparents, but that was before the mustache.

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Nope. Not enough closet space.

15. Are you ‘fixed in your ways’ as it were?
I'm adaptable.

16. Cher or Bette?

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
Dated, no. Tricked, yes.

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No to all.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?

20. Name of your first love?

21. Do you still talk to them?

22. Does size matter?
Somewhat. Depends....

23. Biggest turn on?
Kindness and intellect.

24. Biggest turn off?
Attitude. (agree with Spo on this one)

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Called names but quickly quelched that.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
Music choices. Love a danceable tune.

27. Ever been to a pride rally?

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes. Already planned it, just gotta find the man :)

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
Rich and smart. Money can make me beautiful and youth is wasted.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?

31. Do you trim your body hair?
Trim occasionally, not shave, except for the back.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yep, long ago.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Yep, not my cup of tea.

34. Which character in “The Women” best reflects you?
Have no idea about this. Whichever one is the most fabulous.

35. Favorite gay expression ?

The word ‘fabulous”! (agree with Spo on this too.)

36. How may ‘ex’ do you have?

37. Do you believe in fairies?
I believe in all magical creatures and good men as well. They are just hard to find.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
Yep, three of them.

39. Do you have any piercings?

40. Would you date a smoker?
Yep, as long as it isn't pot, crack or some other illicit drug.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Yep, a few.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
About 15 at last count. So sad.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
Not any more. Don't have the time.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
Don't belong to a gym currently, but if I join one, that is a must!

45. Grinder or Scruff?

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
God, I hope it gets better from here on out.

47. Got Porn?

48. Make out music?
Anything that fits the mood and location.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
Had crushes.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?

Nope, on my bucket list.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?

53. Ever had sex in public?

54. What gay gene did you miss out?

Tidiness......I hate to clean a house.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Sunday, November 13, 2011

There Is No Place Like Home

I'm glad my father's time in rehab is just about up. When he left the hospital this last time, he had to go to a rehab/nursing facuility to finish up his IV treatment. It has been rough on him for sure, being hooked up to the IV for up to 16 hours a day and constant interruptions throughout the night. It has been tough for my mother as well but it is closer to home than the hospital was and she stays only a couple of hours twice a day to visit. I go before or after work, depending on my schedule. It has made for some long days this last week. My dog has has to endure this as well, given I'm gone for up to 14 hours at a time and he is stuck inside. I'm so glad is about over with. I don't like where he is. The corridors smell of urine and feces, Clorox and staleness. I pass the same rooms everyday, and see the same people, just sitting there. No visitors. Just sitting or sleeping or laying in the bed. It's the saddest place I've ever been. I feel for them. If any of them happen to look away from the ceiling, wall or TV, I smile at them. The first couple of days, their expressions never changed. Now, a few will sort of smile back. The few that can leave their rooms on the own power that I meet in the hall will even wave a little or say "Hi". One thing is sure, my father will not go back there again. I don't like him being there, any more than he does, but for different reasons. It is a place of forgotten people. The lonely and dying left to wait for the Grim Reaper. Hospice will take over when he is released and back home. That is a much better place to be while he waits.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The End Is Near

Unsteady breaths.
The hope now faded.
There is no turning back from this.
It's grip too strong.
It's heels dug in deep.
Nothing more can be done.
Sadness colors everything.
Everything you do.
Everything you think.
There is no escaping.
No reprieves.
Just this moment.
Wondering if there will be another.
A final countdown that no one knows when will end.
Will it be sudden?
Or stretched to torturous lengths?
Will there be much pain?
There will be many tears.
More than can be counted.
The end is coming.
It is closer than it should be.
Everyone knows.
Especially him.


Better times ahead they say.
They arrive too slowly and depart too quickly.
Waiting,wanting, needing
Something to give, to change
Just be different.
Everyday the same
Eat, Sleep, Work.
Where's the love?
More bills than paycheck.
More effort than returns.
Mind numbing,
Gut wrenching,
Heart breaking,
It gets better they say.
Yeah, right.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Tizzies & Such

I'm in a tizzy over all that is going on right now around here. I'm worried about my father and my mother. I wonder what will happen to my mother when my father is gone? I'm concerned that my mother may not live long after he is gone. They have really never been apart much in their 55 year marriage. Hospice will be helping once he is released. That will a great relief on my mother I'm sure. It also means nothing more can be done but make him comfortable. I've requested the forms be sent for Intermittent Family Leave. I figured that way I can be there when they need me, whenever they need me, without jeopardizing my job. I'm concerned about the old place selling. I would like for my father to see it sold before he passes, but in this economy, I'm not sure that will happen. I would also like for him to know that I have a house of my own, of course, that depends on the latter. I worry that none of this will be done before both are gone and I will have to deal with my sister in these issues.

On other notes, Jim and I are still in touch, not as frequently but with things going on with me and him helping look after a friend that had back surgery there isn't much time. I think the interest is still there. I'm looking forward to a third date and maybe a little more. Phillip is totally out of the picture. He hasn't responded to the last text or emails and had unfriended me on Facebook. Guess that means he isn't interested. Fine by me. He was too flaky for me. Tommy has reached out and communicated. I'm not ready to hang out with him again, but it was a bit of a relief to have him to talk to about my father since he went through the same thing with his mother in June of this year. I'm playing it by ear with all of them. I have other things going on now. If it works out with Jim great. If Tommy and I can be friends great. If nothing more comes of either Jim or Tommy, I'm cool with that too. I've come to learn that it is more their loss than mine. I bring a lot to the table. What to they bring?

Happy Anniversary

55 years together today.

Sadly, they will be celebrating from the hospital this time. My father was admitted Monday due to the pneumonia returning. He is doing much better and should be released Friday or Saturday. I purchased a gift and a card for him to give my mother and placed in his room last night for this morning. (Of course he reimbursed me.) They have had a rough year and a half, but I look at them and wish I had that deep of a love with someone. They are my inspiration in everything I do.

Happy 55th Anniversary!

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