Comment Response

Before reading this post, it may be helpful to read the previous post and then the comments. It will help make sense of this one.

While I realize this blog has many loyal followers, which I appreciate, this blog does not reflect my life in it's entirety. There are many parts of it, in fact, about 90% of my life prior to me starting the blog in September 2008, that my readers know nothing about. I've shared a few things from my past but not all. I elude to things and how they use to be. To say this blog is a 100% true reflection of my entire life would be erroneous. After reading a comment on my previous post, I'm left with the impression that maybe by leaving so much out, my readers don't know me as well as they would like to think based on just these blog entries. I've ran across this before from another post and comment by another follow blogger, which I addressed privately. Since this is the second time, I figured I would make this one public.

Prior to 2008, my life was going pretty well. I had money and a job doing something I enjoyed. Before 2005, I was at the top of my game as far as income was concerned. I made more than I spent, but was still able to indulge in clothes, jewelry, antiques, artwork, china, crystal and whatever else I wanted. I never had trouble paying bills or had to ask my parents for money for the last decade or more. I was a big boy finally. I took classes to improve my job skills just because. I did volunteer work for Hospice. I still give to charities even in these stressing times, though not as much obviously. And let's not forget the AIDS Walk fundraiser for the last two years, as mentioned here before. Even though I had lost so many of my friends and my ex, I was regrouping. I was learning new skills, meeting new people, doing stuff I enjoyed and had even gotten into the best shape of my life.
What happened you may ask? Life happened. It started with another round of depression. It happened when the well paying job ended because the store location was closed. It happened because my grandfather broke his hip. It happened because nothing good last forever. There is no one certain, defining moment when I can say it all began to slip away. While I still have just about everything left from those times except the money, my parents and I both became older. Thus far, it has taken a bigger toll on them, than me.
The point I'm hoping to make is this: Yes, my parents are going to buy me a house because I can not. My parents will leave me with a trust fund when they are gone. I am by no means spoiled or privileged. I have worked since I was 16. I have always had my own money and a job (even if it sucked or was low paying. I'd work my way up or move to greener pastures when I had the opportunity). So many years with an alcoholic drug addict and a declining economy has taken it toll. I'm not selfish by any stretch. I have had many friends stay free of charge with me over the years or given them money when needed. I've driven 50 miles round trip to make sure friends could get to work and back when they had no transportation. I've listened to countless hours of woe from friends and coworkers. I've helped friends move, build, start a business, etc. countless times, every time they have needed me. Now they are all gone. I'm starting over on all fronts at 46. I don't expect people to do for me all that I've done in the past or willing to to do now for a friend. I'm left alone, with a poor paying job in a crappy economy, and elderly ailing parents, while my sister travels, swims in her pool, and visits once a month. I'm the one that needs someone to listen. Maybe even borrow $20 bucks occasionally. There is no one except my parents. And I'm certainly not waiting for them to die before I start living. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, in this situation. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't. And yes, I'm bored. I have no money to entertain my self with. And few friends I can trouble for company when lonely. But more importantly I'm frustrated at it all. I can only wish to be spoiled or have friends as good as I have been to mine in the past. There were times when I gave so much of myself there was nothing left, but I would gladly do it again if the need arose.
This blog is more about releasing my frustrations and disappointments than a complete anthology of my life. It is meant for me to express the things I have no flesh and blood person to help me work through. Years of therapy and self improvement books have taught me it is needed to be healthy mentally and to keep depression at bay. I ask my readers to understand that. The blog is not the entirety of me or my life in any way.

Passionate or Lazy?

Passions. I have many or none, depending on how you define it. Tommy and I actually had this discussion not long ago when I was over. He wanted to know what I like to do/ dreamed of doing/ got excited about / felt passionate about. I couldn't think of anything then and can't now. There are many things I enjoy doing and wish I could do more often, but there isn't one singular thing that sustains my interest for months at a time, much less years at a stretch. My interest wanes, my attention drifts. Now when I'm engaged in these activities, I can lose track of time for hours, even days if uninterrupted by life's duties. Then it will fade not to return for several months. This may explain why I've had so many jobs. I bore easily. Learning and sharing knowledge intrigues me, but not enough to be a school teacher. Arts, crafts, design, photography, and hands on things like building or gardening thrill me, but usually time and money is what places a damper on those activities. I love to write, though horrible at trying to express what I want to convey and still haven't figured out a way to make money doing it. Always wanted to write a book or screenplay, even purchased how-to books on the subject, but life distracts me like little shiny objects to a magpie. I've always wanted to own a nightclub, or a men's clothing store or even my own jewelry store, alas, money has been the big hindrance there. While I may kid that I'm devoid of passion, I am not. I just have too many to focus on and have yet to have everything I need to strike out on a venture to coalesce at the same time to make it happen with any sort of endurance. So yes, I'm bored with my life, with the way it has shaped up and with what I know is my own wasted potential. I want to reshape the world. I just haven't figured out how to do it.

Sweetly

I wanna lay you down in clouds of white

I wanna make love till dark turns to light

I wanna feel you wrapped around me tight

I want your whispers to tickle my ear

I wanna kiss away the past you fear

I wanna hold on to you my dear

Sweetly we drift into forever

Sweetly we slowly meld into the other

Sweetly our souls rejoice

Our saving grace is love

Our blessing is finding one another

Our happily ever after unfolds

One heartbeat at a time

One touch at a time

One moment at a time

Bored...

I'm bored. Listless. I need some excitement. It's the same old tune. I need something or someone in my life to give it purpose. Not saying I'm incomplete without them, just not as fulfilled as I know I could be. Does that make sense? I have time but little money or vice versa. I have friends but they aren't always available or interested in the same things. Maybe more friends would help? Not sure what the solution is. I just need something/someone! I need/want to do things to get me off the computer. I need/want to do things to get out of the house. I wouldn't mind talking on the phone if it didn't cost me so much to do so. I like chatting online, but then you have to wait for someone that wants to chat and has the time. I need a hobby or boyfriend. (Or both!) I fill hollowed out inside sometimes. I guess there needs to be something I find satisfying in my life, but I be damned if I know what it will take to do it.

That's All

A casual touch and a sly smile

sends my thoughts a racing.

Logic and consequence sweep away

in a wave of desire and lust

Some small deed or kind word

has my mind whirling at possibilities.

No mind whether right or wrong for me or us

just right now is all that matters

Here in this moment

lost in a haze of chance

All I see is happiness

All I feel is bliss

All I need is you

The Hangover

Yesterday, Tommy texted me if I wanted to come over for drinks with him and Jessica at his house. Of course I went. Had a blast too! We listened to music, danced, talked, laughed, hung out and got really drunk! Jessica and I stayed over night as we were way too wasted to go anywhere. I offered to sleep on the couch but Jessica wasn't having it. I might as well have. Even though I was in the guest room across the hall from Tommy's bedroom, the bed was spinning so bad, I slept (or passed out) on the floor. I woke up at 7am, went downstairs to smoke, then woke Tommy up so he could call in this morning. Surprisingly just a simple poke on his bicep roused him. I laid down again but across the guest bed and slept till about 930. I went downstairs, Jessica was up and Tommy joined us shortly. We gathered up our stuff, thanked him for being a gracious host and hugged each other good bye. We all have done nothing but lay around today recovering from last night. But it sure was fun!

Oasis

While taking a break from weed eating around my parent's old place this afternoon, sipping my drink and contemplating the world, I was suddenly struck by nature, the beauty of it all. I sat there under the shade of a large oak tree, watching the light shimmer as the slight breeze fluttered the leaves. There was no traffic noise reaching the backside of the house, only the buzz of insects and the chirping of birds. I watched the ants go about their forging, oblivious to the hardships of mankind. I sat there, lost in thought, absorbed in the little oasis. I knew outside the borders of my parents property were myriad subdivisions, an elementary school, a busy highway and neighbors, but none of them intruded into my little calm space. Just the insects, the birds, the ants, the dappled sunlight and the cool breeze across the hill. I realized that is what the "country" is all about. Bless our little rural oasis. The calm in the turmoil that every soul needs.

As Usual

What a morning this has been and I haven't even got to work yet! Went for a breakfast biscuit and to add air the the front left tire. As I was pullling out of the parking lot, the tire blew out! I'm just glad it wasn't in my drive way because it slopes or on the highway and have to deal with the traffic and sweating in my work clothes. Small favors right?

I visited with my parents yesterday. Got to see my sister, youngest nephew and niece that were down for a while. We all had lunch. I had to go get gas for the tractor and add a little oil too. Daddy went with me. I think just to get out of the house. I mowed the 5 acres at the other place. Then tilled up a spot for my mother to plant turnips and cabbage.

I liked the little outing with my father. I talked to him about my money situation and how small my checks are every week. I also told him about the phone interview, which actually seem to make him happy, that I was trying to improve my income. We rode through a neighborhood that my mother keeps mentioning whenever we talk about houses for me. I told him my take on it and he agreed it probably isn't the best place to purchase. I think he is finally understanding what I've been trying to tell them all along. It's gonna take money to get what they want me to have and they are gonna have to change their expectations of what is available and where it is located. I've been looking at houses in that area for over 20 years. Now he sees what I've been trying to get them to understand. My mother still doesn't get it, but see is learning it ain't like it use to be around there.

In fact they have decided to subdivide the old place into lots to get it to move quicker. I showed them the Zillow website so they can get an idea of what the market is really like. It gives them a plethora of information to help make better decisions than just assuming they know from what they did 20 years ago. I did convince them to contact their accountant to find out the impact of subdividing verses selling it as a whole. It will cost them more in taxes, but guess they would rather do that than wait forever for the entirety to sell. We may go back to the idea of building depending on the market and what's available at that time. Who knows? Everything is so up in the air. I just want to get on with it already. As I said in an earlier post, I'm in a holding pattern and I'm desperate for some forward movement on some front.

Musing

Not sure where all the introspection is coming from lately. Guess I've reached that point that I'm not content and I'm trying to figure out why. Obviously, my parent's health have some bearing on this. The hold up with selling their old place and figuring out do we subdivide or not is a weight as well. Of course there is the whole job/money thing. I had kinda hoped working again would alleviate that and to some degree it did, just not as much as I would have liked it to. Also the waiting to hear back about the job I applied for is agonizing. I'm not as patient as I use to be nor is time standing still for me to catch up. Then there is the whole looking for a house, looking at plans thing that seems like a total waste of time, given how slow things are moving on my parent's old place. I wonder why I bother at all. And last but not least, there is Tommy. I'm treating him as a friend though that isn't what I want. Given his circumstance and state of mind, I feel it is less stress on both of us, if there were ever a chance of an "us". I don't want to miss the opportunity if it exist and is currently clouded over because of his situation. I think it would be a very sad loss to us both to dismiss it so readily, but I honestly have no clue how to approach it any other way. Usually when I find things so burdensome, I write about it to help sort it out. It doesn't make for an interesting read but it is cathartic to let it out. So here I sit, typing my little heart out, trying to make sense of it all. If something would give just a little or something just fall in to place or click, I feel everything else would domino. It would all be as it should, but no such luck as of yet. Nothing is giving at the moment. I'm stuck in the holding pattern that seems to define so much of my life. I wait. I get frustrated. I want to give up worrying about anything and everything. Then I dive in again. Maybe one day it will change but it can't happen quick enough. I may have to bitch slap it when it does show for taking so long.

Dog vs. Man

Why having a dog is better than having a man.

1. Dogs love unconditionally.


2. If a dog is upset with you, you know why and it makes sense.


3. Dogs don't lie.


4. Dogs are affectionate.


5. Dogs are faithful to the very end.


6. Dogs don't cheat on you.


7. Dogs will always check up on you.


8. Dogs can't get close enough to you.


9. If a dog has issues, they are easier to fix.


10. Dogs are easier to train.


11. You always know where you stand with a dog.


12. You always know the dog will come back.


13. Dogs are always glad to see you whether gone for 30 minutes or 10 hours.


14. A dog is better at reading your moods.


15. A dog will let you know it's needs.

Sport's Oops

The only reason to watch football.

YOU

It begins and ends

cooking or cleaning

relaxing or busy

alone or not

Just another moment

waking up or sleeping

walking or standing

sitting or leaning

Just another thing

here or there or somewhere else

a talk or a thought

a kiss or a cuddle

a hug hello or goodbye

There's just something about you
and I like it

Howdy

Remembrances of times past

The good and the bad

the happy and sad

hidden from view

A quick scribble

Nothing of consequence

brief and untidy words

on a scrap of paper

Hadn't seen light in months

nearly forgotten

till today

A broad smile

the memory sweet

and all it said was

"Howdy"

The Summation

Greatness appears from deep sadness or extreme tribulations it seems. Nothing is so inspiring as facing a loss of personal monumental magnitude to get the creative juices flowing. Nothing prods one onward to magnificent heights as the desire to overcome a tragedy. To rise above any fray, one must first learn how it came about. This is where so many fall short. The lack of introspection and laying of blame at one's own feet keeps many people from achieving personal greatness. (Being defined here as what make you the happiest, on a personal level.) So many fail at the simple feat of personal self assessment. Most fear those parts of themselves that are less than perfect. Most would rather keep it buried deep inside themselves and hidden completely from others, but those are the very things people need to face about themselves for their own benefit and usually a side benefit to their interactions with others. No matter what the issue is, how long ago it was, or how it came to be, it must be brought into the light to be examined. Only then, can the process of self healing begin. (Defined here as forgiveness, spiritual realization, or any-therapy.) These plagues upon the psyche, whatever type of issue, trauma, abuse or like, that is holding a person back from truly being the best they can be, must be dealt with directly. It is the only way to a personal level of self acceptance, personal happiness, and genuine contentment. Understanding yourself, forgiving yourself, and being yourself are the only things that can make a person truly great. It ain't about the consumption of goods or services. It ain't about money. It's about how you define yourself, in your life time despite whatever you may have experienced, for whatever reason. That is what matters the most. Do you allow events to tell you who you are or do you tell events who you are and that they have little bearing on you as person?

Working

Well, today I had to pawn 2 pieces of jewelry to pay the electric bill. I hated to do it but, I can't leave Izzy in a hot trailer all day long or do without the refrigerator. I'll get them out of hock before the month is out. I'd rather pay the ridiculous fee to the pawn shop than go to my parents for money. I'm gonna be late this month on the lot rent because of having to pay the power bill first. It will only have to wait till Friday instead of tomorrow. Of course, there will be a fee added to that as well, but what can you do? It seems like the more I work the less I make at Macy's. If we could actually get 40 hours a week instead of just 35 or 36 hours, it would make a big difference. Even at Christmas, the closest I came to 40 hours was 39.85. Still every little hour I can get helps. If my schedule was fixed, I'd consider a part time job somewhere, but with it jumping all over the place every week, it would be impossible to nail down set times to be somewhere else.

I have applied for a full time position with a small local jewelry store. I did a phone interview about 2 weeks ago. The sales manager seemed to be impressed with my knowledge and experience. I called last week to get a status update. Hopefully I will hear something this week. It would be great if I could get it. It is about half the commute and the schedule is 9 to 6 Tuesday through Saturday, closed Sunday and Monday, without the weird, useless extended hours that Macy's does routinely. It would be great to be back selling fine jewelry. I have my fingers crossed.

Tuesday Tease

"Row, row, row your boat..."

(Yes, we have had that much rain.)

Vague Types and Such

I love men. Yep, no doubt about that. For the most part, I love all men, with few exceptions. Now that the obvious is out of the way, let's talk about what trips my trigger, and floats my boat.
I look more for characteristics and qualities than physical type. That is a little harder to spot without taking the time to get to know someone. Not saying there aren't types that get my attention, but keeping it and wanting something more is a different story.

• Honesty, Respect, Intellect, Conversation, Active, Romantic, Humor, Grooming, Dress, Industrious, Loyal, Faithful, and Goal driven.

Those are the characteristics and qualities I look for in a guy. To me, the physical is too temporal to count for much more than initial attraction. Men get fat or skinny, they wrinkle and sag, lose hair or it changes color, the complexion gets splotchy, sex drive wanes or the equipment doesn't function properly and of course health issues through disease or accident can change the physical form. Who the guy is, what his beliefs are, etc., may evolve but are usually, for the majority, consistent through their life. That is what is hardest to find. Someone that is as far along the journey as me, with all the things I'm looking for in a guy that shares a mutual attraction.

I like men. I can be attracted to more than one "type". I'm not as concerned with the waist line as much as I am if they are reasonably healthy for their age and build. I'm not concerned with hair, whether it's grey, black, brown, blond, red or bald or balding or some permutation thereof, or eye color being whatever it may be, with or without contacts or glasses. As for other physical traits, I do want them to be my height (5'8") or taller, thought exceptions could possibly be made if everything else were there. Their physical build isn't that important either. I like 'em all if everything else comes together nicely. As far as, other attributes, well, I'm not a size queen, but I can be impressed or scared as the case may be. I don't worry much about that area either. (I don't care about whether they are a top or bottom or versatile either, as long as they like sex, we will work it out.)

I'm not concerned with where they live, what they drive, how much money they make, what they do to earn a living, what social circles they inhabit. None of that bothers me if they have the characteristics and qualities I look for and there is a mutual attraction. Sometimes I can't but wonder if maybe my net is cast too wide, but I'm certainly not excluding too many guys from the dating pool.

World of Wonder

Seriously?

Skewed Perspective

While I have been through a lot of experiences both good and bad. And I can relate to just about anything most people have been through, it is still filtered through my experiences, my values, my ideals, my beliefs. My perspective is skewed by these to varying degrees. I usually fail to take into account that not everyone has the resiliency, the familial support, or intellect I do (not that I'm that smart or educated), so while the experience is similar, they are not the same, nor is the other person affected the same. Something as bad as losing my car because I couldn't make payments was more of nuisance and point of pride, than a devastating effect it would have on Tommy. My parents had already told me they would purchase another for me. I would still have transportation. Tommy does not have that. It would be more traumatic for him and his job search or even day to day activities he needs to engage in. Not to mention he is also not as strong willed as I and he is still dealing with the death of his mother in June and the death of his best friend in May. It would be seen as another loss. I came to this realization after talking with Jessica a few days ago at work. It got me to thinking. Though I can sympathize with many tragedies and streaks of bad luck, I can never know fully the effect it has on others, for I am not them. In the greater picture, the things that bind us together as human beings are also the things that separate us. We each process our lives and the events in them, based on what has preceded it on a very personal, individualized basis. Maybe that is why comforting someone in pain, loss, or bad luck always seems so hollow and insincere, no matter how deeply felt, it is only empty words to the other person. Hopefully, the intent is enough, and the sharing of details of the experience will provide the comfort they need and you seek to give.

I'll Drink To That

What do I want to talk about? No idea. There are so many things running through my head right now. Of course Tommy and his situation, but I'm actually weary of posting about him. Same with post about my parents. Same with post about work. Sadly, that is about all my life consist of at the moment. Maybe that is the problem, nothing is really happening that is worthy of a post.

Jessica, Kevin and myself did go out for martinis Thursday after work. Yes Tommy was invited but didn't join us. We went to a Mexican restaurant. It was wonderful. Had a great time hanging out and sweating on the patio. The drinks were great and on special. The bartender was adorable but married. The conversation was wonderful as always. It was a very enjoyable evening without spending a fortune. Hopefully we can all get back there soon.

Love Me or Not

Don’t tease or mislead me.

Don’t play games with my affection or friendship.

Don’t intentionally hurt or use me.

Do give me the respect and consideration I have shown you.

Do let me know you care in word or deed.

Do give me an honest chance for both of our happiness.

Just a Thought

If the wingnuts think that conversion therapy works, lets turn a straight person gay. After all, they believe sexuality is malleable so they can be turned back right? And they believe the process to be harmless, so it should be ok, correct? ~ Ultra Dave

Choices

Everyone gets 4 choices in every situation in life.

1- The Right Choice
2 - A Good Choice
3 - No Choice
4 - A Bad Choice

~ Ultra Dave

You and I

“From the beginning I was enchanted with you. You cast your spell and I fell hard. Not a day since has past without you on my mind. Your tease, your flirts keep me trapped and wishing. I gasp at the sight of you. My heart races when you draw near. I feel my skin flush at your touch. Such an achingly beautiful man you are, inside and out. My soul screams out for it’s mate. Our hugs are never long enough. They only satiate for a short time, then I’m craving more. Eyes that twinkle and a smile that illuminates a room, have lead me to want you more everyday. The mere thought of you being sad or troubled nearly cripples me. I want to protect you, love you, shelter you. I want to be the only one you will ever need. I want to complete you the way you have completed me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I’d lay down my life for you, if need be. My life, my soul, my heart are not complete without you. Let me love you the way you need to be loved in the way that only I can. Smile for me. Hug me. Love me. And I’ll give you the world.”

Monday Tease