Wishing you all a very Happy Valentine's Day!May all your days be filled with joy,
laughter and love!!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Mindless Ramble
I don't really know how to begin this post or end it. I have nothing clever or profound to say, but I have a need to just express myself at the moment. It will most likely ramble and not be cohesive, so bear with me.
I have so much stress right now. Concerns over my mother's health, my undrivable car, school assignments, money, unemployment, and all the accompanying feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and no control to go with it. Another Valentine's Day will soon be here with no one to share it with for 10th year in a row. No way to call people and just chat because I can't use the minutes up on the phone. No wine or champagne in the frig to even help mark the day. I worry a lot and hope for the best. I keep the hope that I too, can win the lottery and change my life while helping others. I feel very sad that all of these things are seemingly out of my control. I'm totally powerless in the face of cold reality. What I really need is a good cry, but I'm fearful that if I allow myself to start I won't stop. I need someone to just hold me while I sob, and tell me everything will be alright. I know that isn't available to me either, so here I sit, typing about the crap in my head. My heart is heavy with concern for my mother and how all of this will play out. I'm so scared I will lose her and I'm not ready for that. I worry about how all of this will effect my father and his health. There is nothing I can do about any of it. So I do the best I can to be strong for them. I try to plow on through it all and hope for the best, while expecting the worse, because that is just the way it always seems to be with me. I miss my friends so badly, I actually physically ache. I could have talked to them and cried and been hugged. It would have been some comfort. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be with someone again. I'm not sure I have that capacity left anymore. I'll feel hollow and like I'm on auto-pilot most days. I go through the motions, dealing with whatever comes up as best as I can, while trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. I'm still trying to lose weight in an effort to salvage my health and self esteem, but have hit a plateau. I just wish the world would stop long enough and let me get caught up. I don't want much. Don't need much. But it all seems so far out of reach. I have forgotten what is "normal" for me. Why can't everything just go away? Where is the reset button?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
New Day
Shattered and battered
Lying on the floor
Head in a mess
Broken hearted
Reality crashes in
Regain balance
Reel in the pain
Slap it back
Beat it down
Head held high
Chest out
Life goes on
Tomorrow a new day
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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
School Update
I have a test tomorrow and one next Wednesday. I'm trying to study for them but it is difficult to concentrate at the moment on school work. I appreciate all the nice feedback on my web project! Y'all are the greatest! I plan to keep it updated, so check it often if you enjoyed it.
Cancer Update
My mother went for some scans today to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. She should receive the results within a week. If everything comes back ok, then they will schedule surgery soon afterward. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will come back negative and we can move forward. A part of me doesn't have a good feeling about this, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm not ready to lose anyone else any time soon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Web Project
Here is a link to latest web project I did for school. I would appreciate if my wonderful readers would pay it a visit and sign the guestbook. It will look good for the teacher! Thanks so much!!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Let Me Tell You
Let me tell you about my day. It has not been a good one. First off, I've been working on the assignment for my online class to no avail. Nothing I have tried will get it to work properly. It is due tonight by midnight. I finally submitted it and said what the heck. I'm so gonna fail this class. Once again the instructor has been no help whatsoever!
Secondly, I visited my parents and learned my mother had fallen in the shower last night. She had a bruise on her arm the size of a pancake and a gash on the back of her head. It was bad enough my father took her to the emergency room. They waited for an hour, then came home without seeing any medical type person at all. She was tired of waiting. She seems to be okay, so she says. She is a retired nurse, so hopefully she will be looking for signs of a concussion.
Thirdly, I borrowed a little bit of money to take a trip into Charlotte after all that, to visit Jeff. Yep, I grew a pair overnight. After last week, and now this with my mother falling, and the stress of this online class, I just wanted to get away for a while. Jeff was having an open house so why no partake of free entertainment and get ideas for my house? He figured out who I was. Yeah! He showed me around the place, which was very nice by the way. I was upfront about not being there to buy but didn't mention anything other than that. There was a friend with him, that I have seen in many travel pics of his, who also is a mortgage guy. I'm thinking maybe he is the hidden boyfriend. Anyway, he didn't seem particularly interested in me as a person or old coworker , only a guy that wasn't buying his listing. He wasn't rude, and was even nice, but aloof.
Fourthly, when I get in my car to leave, it wouldn't go in gear. It won't go forward or backward, nothing. It didn't make any strange noises, no lights came on, nothing on the way there. It still started up fine, just putting it in gear made an awful racket. I figured the transmission went out. The car is a 2007! I called my father and he sent a tow truck to haul it and my dejected, frustrated ass home. In the morning, he will bring me his truck, so I can get to classes.
Tuesday, my mother goes for scans to make sure their isn't cancer anywhere else. Then they will schedule surgery.
As a bright spot, his friend is hot and more my type. He also offered to assist me when he saw me in the parking lot, bent over the front, looking under the hood. Jeff didn't and I was in the car he had to dodge to back up. It doesn't bode well for him. I'm not going to make excuses for him about that either.
Secondly, I visited my parents and learned my mother had fallen in the shower last night. She had a bruise on her arm the size of a pancake and a gash on the back of her head. It was bad enough my father took her to the emergency room. They waited for an hour, then came home without seeing any medical type person at all. She was tired of waiting. She seems to be okay, so she says. She is a retired nurse, so hopefully she will be looking for signs of a concussion.
Thirdly, I borrowed a little bit of money to take a trip into Charlotte after all that, to visit Jeff. Yep, I grew a pair overnight. After last week, and now this with my mother falling, and the stress of this online class, I just wanted to get away for a while. Jeff was having an open house so why no partake of free entertainment and get ideas for my house? He figured out who I was. Yeah! He showed me around the place, which was very nice by the way. I was upfront about not being there to buy but didn't mention anything other than that. There was a friend with him, that I have seen in many travel pics of his, who also is a mortgage guy. I'm thinking maybe he is the hidden boyfriend. Anyway, he didn't seem particularly interested in me as a person or old coworker , only a guy that wasn't buying his listing. He wasn't rude, and was even nice, but aloof.
Fourthly, when I get in my car to leave, it wouldn't go in gear. It won't go forward or backward, nothing. It didn't make any strange noises, no lights came on, nothing on the way there. It still started up fine, just putting it in gear made an awful racket. I figured the transmission went out. The car is a 2007! I called my father and he sent a tow truck to haul it and my dejected, frustrated ass home. In the morning, he will bring me his truck, so I can get to classes.
Tuesday, my mother goes for scans to make sure their isn't cancer anywhere else. Then they will schedule surgery.
As a bright spot, his friend is hot and more my type. He also offered to assist me when he saw me in the parking lot, bent over the front, looking under the hood. Jeff didn't and I was in the car he had to dodge to back up. It doesn't bode well for him. I'm not going to make excuses for him about that either.
Food For Thought
I am no longer tolerate of those who would treat me unjust. I hurt as deeply, love as deeply, pay taxes and want a happy, fulfilling life just as any human being. I am as valuable and imperfect as any of God's creations. I refuse to be treated as less than.~ Ultra Dave
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Are You An Angel Or Devil?
You Are an Angel |
 You are a good person, even if you are a tad devilish from time to time. You do your best to do the right thing. You may be an angel, but you're not a goody-goody. You just don't want to cross any moral lines. You treat other people well, even if they don't want to treat you well in return. Pat yourself on the back for being such an ethical person. There should be more people like you in the world! |
Friday, February 5, 2010
Inside My Head
Since the discovery and confirmation of my mother's cancer over the last week, I've been out of sorts. While that is bad enough on it's on, dealing with school and helping my father paint the old place has really taken the wind out of my normally optimistic sails. My crush on Jeff is slowly abating, which is a good thing before it went into obsession or stalker mode. It just seems to me that I never catch a break. I'm never in the right place at the right time. Nor do my efforts produce an abundance of any sort. I'm not depressed, just applying some objective reality to my life and plans. The economy is worrying the hell out of me. I hope the certificate will help land me a job when I'm done, but given how overflowing the talent pool is and the shortage of positions, it isn't a done deal. Even crappy jobs are hard to find. Of course I'm petrified about this new cancer menace with my mother. I wonder if she will be able to bounce back after it or will she fall prey to something else while recovering. I can't even fathom how I would deal with it at this point. I still want a close friend to hang with to replace the one I lost nine years ago. Of those I thought could fill the bill, none seem to fit or really want to be a close friend. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a friend. Maybe money or a job is more important in helping define or sustain a friendship than I ever considered. I'm not even gonna go into relationship crap. As badly as I want one, I'm not ready for it. I don't have the time for it, till school and all the stuff with and for my parents is done. What I want and the reality are so far apart, I want to just chunk everything, find a nice quiet place to sit and think of nothing but how great my life once was, when there was real friends near by, a job to go to and I was in love. If wishing, hoping, praying, daydreaming, planning, or fantasizing about it made it true, I'd already be there.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
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