It's My Birthday

In 48 years, I've learned to cherish those precious moments with those I hold dear; to give of myself, till there is none left to give; to allow others to be themselves and love them for it; realized that money, people, or possessions cannot make me happy, unless I am happy with myself; to treat others the way I want to be treated; that I'm capable of and much stronger than I ever thought possible; that I honor my Creator by just being the best I can be and that above all else, Love really does conquer all. Today I turn 48. It has been a roller coaster ride called my life. And while it may not be perfect, it is mine. I claim it and I'm blessed because of it. Thanks to everyone for sharing the journey this far. There is still many more awesome things to come!

Amazing Beauty

Through my eyes, I wish you could see
The beauty that is you,
Never ending, amazing beauty
Your smile, your touch, your eyes

You say my name
The whispers of angels could be no sweeter.
The warmth of your embrace so dearly missed
So consuming when you are near.
Wrapped in your arms, so protected.

Just a glance my way and I'm defenseless.
Soulful eyes that gaze into mine.
Lost in you and I'm suddenly found.

Lingering kisses, lasting and sweet
Leaves me wide eyed and alive.
Just a touch and I quiver
My body becomes flushed with desire.
My soul on fire.

The never ending, amazing beauty
That is you.
Through my eyes, I wish you could see.

The beauty that is you.
Never ending, amazing beauty.

Equality

Dating Games

Well, after my short break from trying to meet a nice guy, I'm back in the saddle. I've met some really nice fellas in the last couple of months.

• Beau - mid 50's, divorced, 4 kids, sweet as can be, stayed overnight 3 times with him since January, we have chatted for almost a year before meeting, has potential and makes me happy.
• Marty - mid 40's, a couple of years younger than me, very close to where I live, some high school friends set us up, many similarities in our lives, our first time together was awesome, lots of potential, but not sure if he is wanting the same as me though has shown extreme interest, definitely staying in touch to see.
• Keith - early 50's, very nice, handsome, successful, divorced, but not out, so doubt this will go beyond our first meeting other than chatting.
• Dominick - mid 50's, OMG hot, and intelligent, funny, a truly great vibe to be around, divorced, with 5 kids, 3 or so grandkids, a job that requires travel, and a lot of interest to keep him busy, lots of potential and attraction on my part, but when would he find time for me?
• Lee - mid 50's, sweet guy, awesome skills, but bisexual, not looking for LTR, so no point in bothering unless I want a hook up.
• Norman - Mid 50's, back in the picture from last year, still hugely attracted to each other, but the same problem persist -his "ex" still hasn't moved out yet, so leaves me wondering.
• Mike - mid 50's, sweet guy from New York, works hard, close by, but seems more friend material than husband material.

My favorites right now are Beau and Marty. It's a toss up if I had to choose one today.  Norm is fun and flirty and though we have made tentative plans, I really don't see it going anywhere again. While Beau has 4 kids and an ex wife, he seems to have forged a gay identity separate from his old life. Marty is honestly everything I want in a husband, but while his initial interest was through the roof, once he got what he wanted, he quickly cooled off. Some how I'm not sure what to make of it. He is a Gemini and I certainly know how that goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I chat with guys all the time online. Very few do I met in person and even less do I hook up with. While I am accessible, I'm not a slut and have no intention of being. I want a long term relationship not a fling or just a roll in the hay. I'm worth the effort and the one for me is too.

I want a husband, soul mate, best friend, lover all rolled into one. While we don't have to have exactly the same taste or agree on everything, I would like to share common values, similar backgrounds. Age doesn't matter much to me. Younger is fine, but not more than 5 years, I think. Older is great but not more than 8 to 10, 5 years would be ideal. I want to grow old together, not be a caregiver.  I'm hopeful. I put myself out there in the fray, sort through the BS and flakes and have met some really nice guys. While a nice guy is a cool find, there has to be something else, that spark, and it has to be mutual. It's ok if it only turns to a friendship. I'll move on. No biggie. Unless I give it the opportunity to become something more, I never know. I've also learned over the past 2.5 years with Tommy: pay attention to the signs and know when to walk away.

Embracing Change

While I roll with the punches and go with the flow most of the time, there are others when I fight it tooth and nail. Having to let my jewelry go to the pawn shop hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I'm not sure if it was the fact that each piece I had purchased over the years marked a milestone or special moment in my life or the monetary fact that I lost $15,000 worth of gold and diamonds for less than $600. It stings nevertheless. I've struggled for a year to keep up with the monthly payments. The pawn shop has been very understanding in working with me. Other than some original art work I own, that was the only things of value I owned. Now all five pieces are gone and I can never replace them.

I thought living without running water since September was bad enough. But I managed that by joining a gym to work out and was able to shower there. My childhood friend Tom, gave me a key to his house so I can shower there anytime I need. I thought having to turn in my new 2007 Saturn Aura with less than 3,000 miles on it was bad, but my father brought me a used car. The first I've driven since high school. I though losing my best friend Keith was hard. I thought losing my grandparents was difficult. Losing my father was even worse.

It seems all the changes in my life over the last decade or so has been for the worse, not the better. I'm tired and weary of the constant struggle. The constant uphill battle to make a better life for myself. To be happy. There is just too much change and none of it good. While I embrace change and accept it as a fact of life, enough is enough. Something good needs to happen. Something that will make a positive difference in my life. Waiting on winning the lottery ain't it. Finally selling the other house isn't either. Should my mother buy me a house, I can't afford to pay the taxes, up keep and insurance on it. Every job I apply for I hear nothing back.

So now I'm trying a different tactic. I'm letting go of the outcomes, the expectations, the high hopes, the pie in the sky dreams of happiness. Enough with the disappointments, loss, and heartache. I just don't give a damn any more. I don't care. I will do what needs to be done and to hell with everything else. I'm over it. I'm over this miserable existence called my life. I'm done. That is change I can embrace.

Food For Thought

"Unless you are selling manure, it doesn't pay to give a shit." ~ Ultra Dave

Where I Stand

I don't give up. I don't give in. But I do give and give till I'm weary and worn out. Of my time, my support, my heart and despite all the trails and tribulations of life, I still have more to give. There is still hope to find a worthy individual to receive all I have to offer.

One Year

Today my father has been gone for a year. It seems like it was yesterday. I know you are watching over your family as you always have. We miss you terribly, but know you are not suffering in a much better place. I love you!

Under Contract

Finally, after two long, hard years, an offer was made on the old place! Woohoo! My mother is so relieved! So am I! It will be a huge burden lifted once the closing is completed the first of April. No more mowing, trimming, pruning, etc! Yippee! Now I can devote that time to taking care of the other place. That 3+ hours will come in handy over the summer! My mother is excited because no more taxes and maintenance on a place she isn't living in. I wish my father had lived long enough to see it sold. A nice Russian couple made the offer. They wanted the extra land to build two homes for their sons. I think it will be a great place for them. It sure was for us. Many memories there, so selling it is bittersweet, but the time was right. I hope everything goes well, between now and closing. One less thing to keep holding us back. Now we can move forward a little.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Work It

Since joining the gym near the first of November, I have gained about 6 pounds roughly. After some research on the internet, I did discover a study that suggested about a 3 pound gain in muscle a month, so guess I'm on target. I'm not as concerned with the weight as the way my body looks to me. I'm the one that has to be happy in it and with it. I can see the tone and definition in my chest and legs and some tightness in my biceps along with a little growth too, I think. My butt feels firmer but doesn't look like I want it to just yet. My belly roll is only slightly diminished, but I can feel the tightness in the muscle under it. It will take a while to whittle away the remaining fat. I have managed to get my BMI down to 17%, higher than the 10% of years gone by, but according to the charts, it puts me in the healthy and acceptable range for my age, height and build. Of course, I'd love to get back to the 10%, but if I can carve another 3 or 4 percentage points off of that number I'd be thrilled. I am still eating properly, watching my portions and calories, but I have added more lean protein to help build muscle mass. After a work out, I eat a can of Albacore tuna in water and a banana. Most of my meals, unless dining with my mother consist mostly of foods rich in fiber, like rice cakes, lots of fruit, and lean protein meats. Friends that haven't seen me in a few months are shocked at my "sudden" transformation. Of course, there isn't anything sudden about it. It has taken a lot of willpower, determination, backsliding, and experimentation to get this far. I realize the quest is far from over. Losing the weight was only half the battle. The toning and sculpting of muscle will take about as long, but I'm prepared. Truth be told, I love going to the gym. I like the lifting, the cardio, the sweating. I like the feeling of accomplishment as I leave. I like observing the others in the gym work toward their goals. I find it all very inspiring.  I know to reach my long term goal of looking like a shorter Colton Ford, may take a little longer, but I'm working on it. My short term goal is to have a flatter stomach and tighter, more rounded butt by May. It's doable. I just wanna look good in a thong or at the naked pool this summer!

Applied

Last Friday, I had a two hour interview with a local Cadillac dealership. It was the second one with them. I think I did very well. Now I just have to wait to see if they offer me the job. The potential to earn more than I currently make is certainly there. It is much closer to home and the schedule is more stable. My biggest concern is how the sales staff is paid. I've sold cars before and made good money at it. They all had salary draw set ups. This one does not. It is an hourly wage of $7.50 with incremental "bonus" money added for each car and once a certainly level is reached, more added retroactively to your paycheck. Great potential, but it scares me. In this economy, I don't think my bills would be covered at $7.50 an hour till I sold a car or two or five or whatever the magic number was. Yes, if right off the bat I sold 5 cars the first two weeks, I'd be golden. That isn't a given or absolute. While I was there, I saw hardly any traffic on the lot at all. Granted, they expect and give you cold call leads to help set appointments, which basically makes it a well defined numbers game, but that uncertainty weights very heavy on me. Right now, I'm just gonna wait for the phone call saying I have the job if I want it. Then I'll see if it is the right move for me. I don't care for Macy's but I do know about what my checks will be every week and can plan accordingly. I just don't wanna go from the frying pan into the fire, so to speak.

Precious and Few

Just like the song says about stolen moments, "They are precious and few that two can share." My mother was wondering today if my father knew he only had 18 more days left. I suspect he knew they were numbered, but doubt he knew the exact amount he had left. It did get me to thinking though. Having lost so many friends and family over the last decade or so, I really do try my best to make the most of every moment I'm with them. I want to remember, through pictures, memories, or stories, of how a person made me feel. To savor the moment, to capture it forever, to never let them go. But sometimes you have to. Not that you want to, but you just have to because of circumstance, death, or distance. To me, it doesn't matter, because I still hold them close to my heart. I still have the memories and the shared moments. I still have the photographs. I miss so many people now gone from me. Their impact on me is absorbed, so ingrained, so much a part of me, it's hard to separate. Not that I would ever willingly do so. Time marches on. Things change, but there is comfort in remembering the people you have cared about from the past, whether family or friend. The happier times. The carefree laughter. Just the simple joy of being, sharing and caring with another human being that is just as grateful for having you in their life as you are in having them in yours. It really does add texture, depth, and meaning to your life.

Thursday Tease

Maybe I should take up line dancing.....

Friday Tease

Hope he is calling me

Passing Thoughts

Well, after nearly a month, a $2,000 repair bill, and over $300 in gas, I finally have my car back! Woohoo! It feels weird after getting use to the Yukon and the Explorer. I feels as if I'm sitting on the ground almost. I keep reaching for the gear shift on the steering column instead of the console. And the ride feels rougher than I recall. Oh well, I'm still glad to have my car back.

I've been noticing little things about my mother that disturb me slightly. It isn't anything major, just little things that may point to trouble down the road as far as her health is concerned. On the way to pick up my car, she came way too close for my comfort to rear ending two cars. Both for no apparent reason. Both were not sudden stops. There was adequate room to come to a stop or at least slow down without slamming on the brakes. We weren't really talking. She had her eyes on the road. Why she waited till almost upon them to hit the brakes is beyond me. Thankfully, she did and there were no accidents this time. I've also noticed that she seems to have trouble staying between the lines. She tends to drift back and forth a lot. Almost to the point that I'm afraid she will run off the road. Again, so far she hasn't, at least while I've been in the car. Also, not that her house has become a pig sty, but she isn't keeping it as spotless as she once did. I've noticed spiderwebs and dust bunnies here and there. Most of that I've chalked up lately to her injured shoulder, so I'm only making mental notes of it, instead of saying anything to her. I know she values her independence and I wouldn't want anything to take that from her. The fall last month shook her confidence enough. But I am watching and making mental notes. She turns 74 this year and her health could be a little better, but otherwise, she is fit for her age. I'm just concerned.

I had an internet interview for a local Cadillac dealership. I've never done one that required video responses before, so it was interesting. I hate the way I sound recorded. I think I looked horrible and sounded even worse. I didn't have a webcam so after work, I went to Tommy's and used his. He said he thought I did very well on my responses. I just hope they think I did a great job on my responses! I'd love to make more money. I need to make more money! Hopefully, I will hear something positive by the middle of the week or so. Wish me luck!

Your Love

I swim,
I crawl,
I elbow,
through the engulfing darkness called my life

I fight for what I believe in
I fight for what I want
a better me,
a better life
My battle cry of love, liberty, hope

I fight against the despair
the overwhelming sadness of a life gone awry
I languish,
I flounder

But ...
I don't give up
I won't give up
I can't give up

I can't do it without you
My rock,
My foundation
You give me strength
You give me shelter
You give me hope
You give me love

That is all  I need....
Your love.

Monday Tease

Awesome!

Wednesday Tease

My Goal

I'm hoping to look like this fella

after about 6 months of the gym!