Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I often think to myself. I wonder what choices could have been made that would have put me in a better place or circumstance. I try to figure out how to reach goals or realize dreams. It's a very consuming process for me. I plan. I revamp. I trudge onward. Sometimes there is a misstep. Sometimes I hit the mark. Most times though I feel as though I'm aimlessly drifting. Stuck in limbo. Close but so far away. I second guess. And it all starts again. Currently, I'm neither happy or sad about things in my life. My job. My family. My money. My relationship status. My friendships. I don't feel particularly strong one way or the other. I realize if I continue down this path, it will lead to depression once again. I just play on the internet for hours to distract myself. I play solitaire on the computer. I zone out petting the dog. The days seem insufferably long here lately. I have things to deal with like everyone else. For the most part, I'm equipped to deal with them. It doesn't keep them from being annoying or a nuisance or frustrating. It is what it is.
Things change. People change. Somehow I've even managed small evolutionary steps. I tend to go with flow most times. Just smile and nod and keep moving. I guess I'm looking for stimulation on a lot of different levels. I need to be challenged. I need to feel wanted. I need to be kept busy mentally and physically. Work is usually a bore, especially between holidays. My parents always have something to for me to do when I'm off, but that only last for a few hours. Friends fail to keep me engaged in a meaningful way. I'm just floundering around it seems. Waiting. Watching. Hoping. Things have improved, just not enough to my liking or at a fast enough pace. So here I sit typing about nothing to take up time, till I'm ready for bed. It will all start over tomorrow. The same shit, different day. Another day gone.


Ur-spo said...

nevertheless, if you keep going, it all becomes clear.

Russ Manley said...

I wonder sometimes too about different choices . . . but the end of all those thoughts is, I can't think of anything I could have done different that would have worked out better. Life is a crapshoot. You pays your money and takes your chances, for better or worse.

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