Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Well, I made a couple of phone calls to my ex Greg. I spoke with a girl, a guy and some little kid that lives there, but not him. I left a message to return my call and the phone number, and as of yet, have not heard from him. I'm a little disappointed but not entirely surprised. It would seem by what I could ascertain from the calls, that very little has changed with Greg over the years. That is quite sad. He has such potential, I hate to see it go to waste. He sees it as doing what he wants, but has yet to figure out, despite his high IQ, that it is the drugs and alcohol wants he is actually fulfilling. He can't even admit it to himself after 9 years. I had hoped when he moved back that it would help him straighten himself out. I thought that was the whole reason anyway. That doesn't seem to be the case. I had hoped that we could resume at least an acquaintanceship at this point, but that does seem unlikely. I wish him the best. And now I must let go completely of him and our past together. Some people don't want to be saved. I have to accept that. Now I know I haven't missed the funeral.
These last couple of weeks at school have been brutal. Our class is behind the others that are taught during the day, so we are having to find extra time for one more class for the next two week to try to catch up. School ends soon, so the crunch is on. I've missed a couple days from being sick so that will hurt my grade. I hope not enough to fail me like last time, but I'm gonna have to dig hard to make it. My online class is almost hopeless at this point. Most of my grades have been good, but a few not so great and two zeros because of stupidity at the beginning are really hurting me now. The last assignment due is 20% of the grade. It is make or break in that class. I'm gonna do my best and hope for a miracle, but if I fail it, well, I'll worry about that later. I want to finish all the courses by the end of fall semster. Depending on what I have to retake and what they offer, I may be up shit creek. At the rate it is going, my graduation and retire party will be on the same day.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The last few days have been a bitch. Not from circumstance but attitude. I've been slightly freaking over the least little things and can't seem to get my ex out of my head for some reason. I finally decided to spend a little money to see if I could locate him. It just seems paramount. I'm not sure if that is because I forgot to take my medication the last few days or not, but whatever reason, I'll feel better if I can hear his voice or at least get some information about how he is doing. Strange that after 9 years, the bastard can still effect me this way. It's almost a sheer panic that something is wrong or he is dead. Either way I want to know, then maybe I can lay this rest. Of course once the pills kick in, maybe I'll go back to not giving a shit anymore.
I've also been frustrated and confused about some other things as well. Without getting to deep, suffice it to say, it involves a guy I know and would like to know better. He is a former coworker of mine and has always been nice to me but has never gone out of his way really to be so. Most times my instant messages go ignored, though if I email him a question he always responds. I don't understand if it is intentional or he just doesn't pay attention. Anyway, without my meds, it has been very frustrating indeed. He is I assume straight, he is divorced and best I can tell doesn't date. All his friends on Facebook are married females, high school buds, coworkers or family. He knows I'm gay and still accepted a best friend request. He is attractive but a bit younger than me, but honestly, I really just want a friend to hang with, nothing more. (Of course, should he choose otherwise, I would be receptive). I'm disillusioned I guess. Frustrated, bored and lonely. No medication for a few days only exacerbates the feelings. Maybe I'm worked up over nothing. Thankfully so far I've practiced amazing restraint at not going off on him.
Is there solace in the darkness confined by petty fear and annoyance
Cloaked in your own sweaty desperation to be accepted.
Turned away and put asunder by your own undoing.
Swayed by trend and shallowness.
Deep inside your soul craves satiation, the bond with another human to feast upon with the senses.
Drinking in the essence filling up on compassion yet returning none.
Where hope covers the pain, frees the love unfettered and spread wide.
Dripping truth from your tongue with the taste of self discovery savored.
The retreat to self under a rouse played out in nightmares and daydreams to realize what you've already known.
Reality bites and leaves it mark, but did you cave or forge ahead?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Back in my freshman year of high school, I developed a huge crush/obsession on an senior. I thought he was the bomb. My heart did a little pitter patter every time I passed him in the hallway between classes. Somehow, I managed to befriend him, though I don't remember how exactly. He was friendly and receptive, though I figured he was most likely straight. I didn't hold that against him. I remember many a daydreams about him and a few sweet dreams too. I was already sexually active by 9th grade with other guys, but still hadn't gone "all the way", that was was reserved for him. This crush/obsession went on for months. We were both active in after school activities, so we would get to actually chat occasionally. I actually would call him on the phone and chat. I wish I could remember about what, but at the age, everything was important. Some days, he would would hardly get home before I would call to chat, no matter how brief the conversation would be. I remember once I was so focused on him, that as the phone was ringing, I could could plainly hear everything that happened at the other end before he picked up the receiver. Literally, the key being inserted into the lock, the knob turning, his footsteps on the hardwood floor, and him laying the keys on the table, all before the ringing stopped and he said "hello". I even recall asking him if the phone was somehow off the hook some, then relaid everything I had heard. We both thought it strange but couldn't explain it. Now I know it was a phenomenon called clairaudiance. I was so focused on him at the instant I somehow connected with the physical location and heard everything that was happening. I've yet to experience it again. Maybe I'm just not that focused any more. Eventually, my little fantasy crumbled and I was rejected. He ran off after graduation with a female 30-something history teacher. Just as a side note, he was also the reason I attempted suicide. Looking back now, that obviously would not have solved anything.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sorry posting is so late today, I overslept just a little. I helped out at my parents' other place. We are finishing up the exterior painting. It has been an exhausting 8 hours today. Feels like a real job. Tomorrow we should be completely through with everything related to the outside of the house and can move on to yard work. Yippee!
Yesterday, wore me out as well. I mowed my yard then cut wood at my place while my father was at a doctor's appointment. I'm so butch with a chainsaw. I meant to take my camera, but in my haste, left it at home. I'll get some more pictures up soon of the progress. There are still many trees to fell on my property, then on to my parent's place to make room for my father's new shop/junk storage building. Sometimes I wonder if this will ever be through. There is just a lot to do with two people, especially when one is out of shape and the other is 71 years old!
Once all that is done, then on to fixing up my parents' old place to get it ready for the market. Hopefully, by then the housing market will have rebounded a little. Of course then there is starting construction on my house and moving two houses full of furniture, then work in my new yard. Maybe by the time I'm 50, it will all be completed.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm glad that I started on Facebook. I have reconnected with some former coworkers, high school pals, and fellow bloggers. My circle of friends seems the largest it has in a decade or more. It also got me to thinking about what I consider a friendship to be. There are many levels of friendships, from the best friend, close friend, professional friend and the casual acquaintance. There are some things that one expects from each and time nor distance apart really effects the best or close friendship. I've often wondered if I were as good of a friend to people I considered friends as I felt they were to me. The ones I respect, for some reason or other, hardly give the time of day. Others that I considered mere acquaintances have surprised me. Then they are the others that you want to become better friends that offer tempered responses that confuse me. I'm not exactly sure where I fit in or if I even do and should I even try. I suppose having lost so many dear friends over the years, maybe I expect too much from mine. I certainly try not to, but I can be obsessive. I just try not to carry it into stalker status. I know on some level everyone wants friends, especially truly close friends, but how do you form that bond over the Internet? That I still haven't figured out. I just hope that when I leave a comment or send something their way they understand the spirit behind it. I'm middle aged and lonely, just looking to connect with another human being. Nothing nefarious, no hidden agenda, just trying to replace what was lost along the way. I want to be true friends not passing acquaintances. A small circle will do.
In a world of interconnectedness, do we not feel each others' pain?
In a world grown smaller, how can we not?
Now what are we gonna do about it?
Where is the outcry?
Where is the rage?
Where is our world's leaders?
Where is the call to action?
Sunday, April 19, 2009
An ancient circle faintly aglow.
The hum of 10,000 years carries forth.
The electric tingle down your spine, an awareness you're not alone.
Dim figures in the mist, prance a forgotten dance to a rhythm as old as time.
A fount of hope, a cone of power arises, as nature holds it breath.
The silent observer watched, from dimensions unknown.
"Join in", whispers say, "become one with us, meld your essence with ours. Come where you belong. Omnipresent are we."
The faint glow grows stronger with each beat, encompassing all.
Drawn in the chant and dance, freeing the spirit within till dawn breaks.
By yourself, but never alone again, though the vision has faded.
The rhythm stays.
In the deep recesses of my mind, linger thoughts of you.
Hopes of what could have been, memories of what was, both faded by time.
Rendered null by the reality that we are now separate beings,
living our different lives, miles away from the other.
Wondering what went wrong, remembering what went so right.
Times together recalled, nostalgic and dimmed.
Still missing that part of me you filled,
hoping to be completed by another again.
Wasted time spent longing for what can never be once more,
but hoping for the chance meeting, even if in the deep recesses of my mind.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
There is something that needs expression.
Something unspoken, lurking in the shadows
just beyond our civil discourse.
Neither wants to ask.
Neither can say.
Maybe it is too soon, or maybe too late.
Maybe not meant to be, or maybe on the wrong track.
What is that next step?
Or are we already there and unaware, as we hurry up and wait?
Perceptions through past disillusions filter,
trying to make sense of the patterns we see.
Are the signs in place?
Are the interpretations correct?
Pregnant pauses, walking on eggshells, keeping a delicate balance of hints
as we tiptoe around questions we should ask.
What happens next?
How to subversively deploy our plan?
Who makes the move this time, in a game of give and take?
Is it love or friendship we are after?
Is the potential there?
And which one wants what?