Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
P.S. There was also a very handsome employee there, that compels me to become a frequent diner at that location!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Well, I got up early to help cut some more trees! We made a great deal of progress today. Only a few more and we can start construction on my father's new shop/junk building. It was hot today. Why he didn't want to do it last week while the temperatures and humidity was lower is lost on me. Hopefully by Friday, we will be done.
Even with all the head way we have made over there, I wonder if we will ever be done! In another 2 weeks, it will have been a year since this all started. At least the list is shorter now.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
You Are a Snow Cone
You are lighthearted, playful, and optimistic about the world.
You're always having fun, and you're not the type to turn down anything sweet.
People might be surprised to know that you're very sensitive.
Even though you put on a brave face, your feelings are easily wounded.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Ho hum. My money is officially in the red, not completely broke yet, but so close it already hurts to think about it. I have read and reread the doctor's report from my testing. In one sentence he states I have Inattentive Disorder, in the next I don't. Past history indicates otherwise regardless of his interpretation of the results. I'm gonna set up an appointment with him and take my mother so he can explain it to both of us.
I'm worried about school. I can't afford to keep losing interest or freaking out and not finishing the course. I honestly don't think I can work and attend school. My mind is not wired that way. I can do one thing and one thing only it seems at a time. I hate to give up on school, but if worse comes to worse, I will. It won't be the first time I failed at something. I often wonder why I ever bother to try. I'll take some other dead end, unsatisfying job till I grow bored or get fired and start the pattern over yet again.
Of course all this news has perturbed my mother, which in turn causes me great stress, that I don't need or handle very well. She thinks I should sit in the trailer and do absolutely nothing that cost money. That is half my problem, yet she fails to realize it. Could I have saved more? Sure. Who couldn't? But is it really living to deprive yourself of every little joy for the sake of a few bucks? I think not. Yet another source of stress with my parents. Always money. They hoard till it hurts then only spend if it's an investment with tangible benefits. I spend and enjoy cause we ain't promised anything in life. I can't wait to win the lottery!
My health has improved somewhat. From the high weight of 252 two years ago to stalling around 220-210 for the last year, it has now moved to 208! A grand loss of 44 pounds! Of course with tight funds, I will have to give up my Lean Cuisines in favor of cheaper, unhealthier fair. My sinuses have finally stopped draining constantly, therefore the persistent cough is clearing up. My stomach is somewhat back to normal, though my change in diet has also effected it to some small degree. Having spent money to go out and be around people some the last 3 weeks definitely helped lift my spirits. That will most likely be short lived as well with the budget now stretched thin. I still don't regret any of it though. Everything I spent was worth the mental boost and nice feelings it still provides. Mother can just get over it.
Thank Goodness I'm Ultra Dave, mere mortals couldn't stand the stress of my existence. At times, I barely can.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Today brought an unexpected visitor to my door, a friend, I thought quite honestly was dead. It was good to see I was mistaken but also a lot of unpleasant memories surfaced after he had left. I realize that he has been through a lot in the last two years. I understand and respect that. I know he was unable to make good on the arrangements to repay me because of them. I also noticed that he is still manipulative and self serving despite his near brush with death. He hasn't changed a bit. I ,sadly, found myself thinking how easier my life was when he wasn't around and I thought he was dead. Now the opportunity presents itself to pick up where we left off or let it drift away.
The back story is this. In 2006, we befriended each other. He even said he could be my best friend. I took him at his word. I learned he was in dire need of a lung transplant. Toward the end of 2007, it happened unexpectedly. He was in the hospital for all of 2008 for recovery, rehabilitation, other surgeries and infections. Well over $1,000,000 worth of medical bills paid by Medicare. By the way, as a side note, he is only 41, has a son that doesn't live with him and is straight.
Needless to say, with all that was going on, our contact tapered off to zilch. Before all of this happened, I would do things to help him out. I put the car and insurance in my name, though he doesn't have a valid driver's license. I gave him a line on my phone account. I would take him 3 hours up the interstate to the doctors he used at Duke hospital. I took him to file for Medicare, to see his brother in South Carolina (manipulated), hauled him to the grocery store, the barber shop (manipulated), etc. Occasionally we would do something fun, like a movie, but not often. Most of it centered around being manipulated into taking care of stuff for him. If he had asked me upfront to do so, I would have planned accordingly and gladly done so. But don't tell me one thing and when I get there change it to something else, knowing after I hear you wheeze, cough and gasp for air, I can't say no.
When he first went into the hospital, a female friend sent me one check for what he owed me from 2 months back. That was it. The last phone bill, his half was $285. I lost service because of it. I couldn't pay it. I paid on the car insurance for another 6 months because I knew he needed to get to the doctor and back. Finally, I transferred the car back to him and cancelled the insurance after not hearing from him for 6 months.
He shows up, out of the blue today, wanting to resume our friendship. I feel used and manipulated. I honestly don't want to be around him. I'm glad he survived the double lung transplant, the heart operation, and all the infections, but I don't like the feeling of being used. One of the first things he mentioned was repaying me. He invited me to his house to watch a movie tonight. He also wants us to go to pride together next week. It all sounds great. A straight best friend. But I've been burned too much in the past, not just with him. I think knowing he ain't dead is enough for me.
Am I being an asshole?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I have often considered myself a huge failure, both socially and career-wise. Financially a disaster. I'm aware of the problems and behaviors that cause them. I also know that on the inside I'm not nearly as confident or self assured as I would like to be. That's gonna take some serious work to correct. Socially, I am currently trying to do more with other people. I fight it tooth and nail, though I know it is what I need more than anything. The worse part is when people make small talk, ask about where you work or live. I cringe inside because those are two of my sensitive spots and where my biggest failures lie. Maybe that's why I never ask those questions myself when I meet people.
My self-worth is in the toilet. Moving from this trailer park and into a real home will booster that greatly, but still a ways off. Still, afterward, because of my parents assistance and the land from my grandparents, it will never feel like a true accomplishment I achieved. Something I will have to work on as well. Losing the 13 pounds has already made me feel slightly better about myself, but there is still more weight to be lost. Only then will I feel truly good about my looks again. I will have to retrain that inner voice that constantly tells me I'm not worthy of love or respect or that everyone else is better than me, despite what I preach to others that feel the same. That will be a true break through if it ever happens.
Then there is the whole unemployed, being keep up by your parents, failing at school, sloppy house keeping, and myriad other issues to face and deal with. It ain't gonna be pretty. My life has seemingly been neatly packaged into chapters for me. This is merely the next one. I've always tried to be the best I could be, but felt I fell way short of such noble callings. Here is another chance, another attempt to get it right. I may succeed or I may fail yet again or land somewhere in the middle. The object is to continue to move forward, however painful or slow a process it may be. So gentle readers, buckle up, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Here's my take on it.
Defendant: "Your honor, I had no choice but to kill him. I claim Straight Panic Defense for my actions. Had I not felt threaten by him I would not have had to defend myself."
Judge: "Just how did the deceased make you feel threaten?"
Defendant: "Well, your honor, it started innocent enough. I was invited to a Superbowl party. Things where great. Laughing, cheering, beer. Then slowly, he started asking me about my favorite player and recounting team stats. Then, he wanted a fist bump, so I went along with it, all the while I was trying not to be afraid of him. During half time, we stood up to stretch our legs and get more beer. That's when it happened." (sobbing now).
Judge: "I know it is difficult, but what exactly happened then?"
Defendant: "He.....he.....he tried to chest bump me! I was terrified. He may have gone for a bear hug next, or a huddle or an ass slap! I couldn't take it. My nerves were on end! I snapped! I felt he was trying to make straight! I grabbed the butcher knife from the block and stabbed blindly through my tears and fears. "(sobbing, shoulders shaking)
"Only later did I realize what I had done. He had it coming. It was honest self defense your honor. My gayness was at stake. If my friends had found out, I would have had my gay card revoke! I would no longer be allowed to twirl on the dance floor to fabulous DJ's. I would have to hang sheets over the windows instead of drapes and wear camouflage! I would have to shop at discount outlets, drive a minivan and vacation at family resorts! I couldn't let that happen. I had to defend myself! Just had to!"
Judge: "Case dismissed. That is clearly Str8 Panic."
Your result for The Gay Porn*Star Test...
Congratulations! You scored ###!
You're as vanilla as Porn Stars can come. You're hardly ever doing it with more than one person, and it's always high quality stylish settings. You're the good boy of gay porn.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tomorrow will be my mother's 70th birthday! My grandmother once told me, that she had hope to have her on the 9th, for my grandfather's birthday, but it didn't work out that way. My mother is an incredible woman. My parents are high school sweethearts. Though all the parents involved thought they were too young to be married, they snuck off to the Justice of the Peace almost 53 years ago! My mother owned a beauty shop when we were younger. It was located off to the side of the front yard. She wanted to be home when we were after school. Later, when my sister and I were in high school, my parents built a new home closer to the school and my mother returned to college at 42, to become an RN. While working in one of the large hospitals in the area, she was one of the few nurses that didn't balk at caring for AIDS patients. She retired from Hospice of Union County several years ago. She is the one that got me interested in volunteering there. Both her and my father are very active in Hospice fundraising, giving of their money and time to a great cause. She is also very active in her church, forever cooking or baking as the need arises. The fact that my sister and I are both adopted from infancy, has always amazed me. I could not have been more loved or cared for by my parents or grandparents. My mother has always been me biggest supporter and advocate. She was there encouraging me when I felt there was no longer a reason. She pushed to make sure I got the proper medications and therapy when I was diagnosed with depression and still does. She has been generous with her money, her time, and most importantly herself. I love you Mama! Happy Birthday!