Thursday, December 30, 2010
- Lose the last 15 to 20 pounds.
- Quit smoking (again).
- Save more money.
- Find a better paying job, with better hours.
- Meet someone special.
- Attend more social events.
My New Year's wish...
- Get the house built before the end of 2011.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Your Life is Better Than 45% of All People
Your life is pretty average, with lots of normal ups and downs.
You're on the way to having a better life, as long as you focus on what's really important.
Remember to take the time to do the things that you like best, and let the little things slide.
No one on their deathbed ever wished that they spent more time worrying or complaining!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
- My mother's breast cancer, mastectomy and recovery.
- My father's tumors in his lungs and his treatment.
- My father's slow decline in health and stamina from emphysema.
- Finishing up projects at the old place to get it on the market.
- Completing my Web Design Certificate.
- Becoming employed after nearly two years.
- Being invited to many events and parties.
- Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.
- Standing at a total lose of 80 pounds. Down from 270 to 190.
- Having my goal weight of 175 pounds within reach.
- Finally having money once again.
And the biggest, best thing is all my blogger buddies who encouraged me, and witnessed the progression from down trodden misfit to employed social butterfly. I would not have believed so much was possible to pack into a year. Next year will find it hard to top all of this. I look forward the New Year with much optimism and careful planning as I can muster. I'm anxious to see what it hold in store.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You Are Kind and Caring
You're the type of person who just naturally appreciates and respects others. You think ill of very few people.
You are naturally open minded and nonjudgmental. You're a good listener, and you end up hearing many secrets.
You reach out to everyone during the holidays, and your acts of kindness and generosity are remembered throughout the year.
You are easily touched this time of year. Even the right holiday card or little gift can move you.
- Healthy parents.
- For my dog to be healthyand happy.
- Higher pay and better hours.
- Passage of marriage equality.
- Lose another 15 pounds and tighten everything back up.
- More parties, events, etc. to attend.
- An end to the war.
- Not to be involved in another war.
- The economy to return to previous levels without the frivolity.
- An end to hunger, proverty and homelessness in this country.
- The Christian Right to realize they aren't.
And the biggest wish of all:
- I find a man of my very own before my parents are gone,so they will know I'm loved and cared for.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
In other sad news today, my uncle, my father's youngest brother was rushed to the hospital last night, unable to breathe. He has the same problem my father does. He is currently using a breathing tube. My father has felt too bad to even visit yet. One of my aunts stayed with him last night till 2am. Where his daughter, son in law or grandchildren are at is beyond me. He had part of his jaw removed years ago because of cancer and has used a feeding tube since. He is in bad shape, even before this happened. My father fears the worse. This will be the beginning of the end for him.
It is deeply disturbing when these things happen to family members. More disturbing to see how their immediate family members respond (or not). My parents have helped both of these relatives immensely over the years when needed. It makes me angry. As long as there is a breath left in me, it will never happen to my parents, sister or her family. That I can swear to.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I had decided against pursuing the position at this time. My mother told me that my father has stage 4 emphysema so I'm hesitate to take on more responsibility given the uncertainty with his health. He is now on oxygen all most all of the time he is at home and uses his inhaler often. It won't get any better sadly. My mother expressed her concern that he may not be here for next Christmas. That worries me too. Despite the fact that I know my parents will not live forever, it still feels like a punch in the gut to hear it spoken aloud. I guess I can only be there anyway I can for them and do what I can. I can't worry about the future or things I can't change. I can only deal with the here and now. That is more than enough.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
good food, good drinks and fabulously generous people.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Work is going great. I applied online for the manager's position. I got nice form email stating I wasn't a good match for the position. Not sure how they arrived at the decision, but whatever. I can only assume they want younger people who are willing to work more hours, with more responsiblity for less money. So I say let them find them and train them this close to Christmas. After the first of the year, I'm gonna start looking for a better paying job elsewhere in the mall. I'll take the same pay if the store hours aren't so screwed up.
I'm trying to finish up my Christmas shopping. Just a few more gifts left. I've lost another 5 pounds and so far have kept it off for a while. I still need to lose 15 more pounds and I'll be down to my old weight. I can also get into so more of my old clothes. Woohoo!
I have a fund raiser in Winston Salem coming up on Nov. 20th for The Children's Home. Being fortunate enough to have been adopted by such great, loving parents makes me feel for those who haven't found a forever home yet. It will also be a chance to see friends on that side of the state I rarely get to see.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
- Cool evenings and cozy wool sweaters
- A loyal dog curled up against on a cold winter's night
- Wine in a crystal glass, sipped slowly, with classical music in the background
- Flannel sleep pants and an old favorite cardigan
- The crackle of a fire and the soft glow of the embers lighting a room
- Brisk morning walks with the crunch of frost underfoot
- The tinkling sound sleet makes in the quiet of the night
- The smell of a cedar tree and fresh cut pine boroughs
- Great conversation over a slowly eaten dinner with old friends
- Hugs from family and friends
- Hot chocolate on a cold windy night
- An Unfrench martini, stirred not shaken, with more Chambord than Vodka (and no pineapple juice)
- Blue Bunny's Banana Split ice cream served in your best china dish
- Wearing your best clothes around the house just because it makes you feel good
- Watching British detective shows on BBC or PBS
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
When I came out to my parents in 9th grade. They didn't believe it. They thought I would out grow it. Some odd phase I was going through. Of course it didn't go away. Neither did I. I learned to gauge who could accept it, who was like me, and how to cope with the perceptions. I've never been a conformer, but by being true to myself, I earned respect. I never cowered or back down. I never ran away. I was resilient, just as all are capable of being. It's the adversity that gives us strength. Empowers us. If I wasn't like everyone else, then I was gonna strive to be better.
I was involved. I let people see me for everything I was, not just for my sexual attraction. I could play sports, and weight train. I could be on committees and in clubs. I could attend events and win awards and recognition. All by being the best I could be.
I can remember a few taunts in high school. I ignored them. Why should it bother me if I was gay or a cocksucker? I never gave the power to hurt me to any other. I was better than that. The one time a fella turned around in class while the teacher was out, and struck square in the chest for no reason, I looked him in the eye and said "Your ass is mine after class." I didn't raise my voice, whimper or cower. When was class was over, he couldn't be found. I never had another incident from anyone.
I was lucky. I never allowed pressure to get to me. I dated a couple of girls. Hung out with girls. When I met a guy and we became close, I stopped dating girls altogether. There was no need. I was going to be myself. Who God had wanted me to be. And I have never looked back or questioned. Each passing year, it all gets better. Hang in there. Find people who appreciate you for your uniqueness. And screw the rest.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
The only downside has been with my father. The results of his scan showed one tumor responded to the treatment, the other did not. That seems to be certain, though I thought there was only one and the other was a misreading. Regardless, in another month he will go for a follow up to see if it has changed by then. I'm not sure what can be done if it hasn't. He can't take chemo and they can't do surgery, so the only option, if available is another round of radiation treatment if he can stand it. The first treatments left him fatigued but otherwise ok. We'll just have to see where it stands a month from now.
Some other good news, though we aren't exactly sure how and if it will pan out, is the town sent a letter of interest to my parents about their old place. Seems they may consider it for a town park. If they are willing to pay at least tax value, I know my parents will sell. That means I can get to building my house sooner rather than later. Of course, it's just a latter of interest. No offers have been made or terms discussed, but it's a nice little surprise in the midst of all the chaos.
As a side note, I have two dear friends that are dealing with health issues of their own. One had neck surgery again to repair the stuff done the first time. He literally has some screws loose (which I always suspected). The doctors removed part of his hip bone to make the repair this time. (Guess he will have his ass on his shoulders for sure now) He is back home recovering and has some pain meds to make him more pleasant. I wish him well. He's too cute and too fun to be laid up for long.
Another friend has stage 2 squamous cell circoma (His spelling, which I think is wrong). He had a bump removed on his head and that was what the biopsy revealed. He goes next week to make sure they got it all. I'm not sure exactly how serious it is, but any cancer sucks in my book. I wish him and his partner well. I wish I were closer to look in on him.
That wraps up my news. Hope all is well with my dear readers. I appreciate y'all sticking with my little blog through these changes. And all the nice comments and emails are comforting. I'd loved to hang out with any of you any day! Just as soon as I win the lottery.......
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I'm also a little disappointed on the friend/boyfriend/buddy front as well. While I have been more social as of late and really enjoyed myself, I have yet to form any truly deep friendships. They all seem so superficial. I try to be nice, show interest, etc. , but the response only seems like a courtesy. Like they are just being nice. None as I recall ask probing questions about me, while I try to learn about them. Small talk seems to always revolve around them and their drama. If I mention anything about my life, circumstance, etc., it seems to go unnoticed or quickly dismissed. I'm still trying to meet people. I haven't given up, nor will I. I would like to truly connect with a few guys, and have it be reciprocal and meaningful.
Another disappointment is the house. I'm so ready to start construction. I also know the other place hasn't sold, much less on the market yet. I know this year has been horrible as far as parental health, job searches, and multiple projects to get everything settled. I'm just sick of this damn trailer park. Sick of this trailer. Sick of being too embarrassed to invite people here. Sick of no space to put everything away and have a nice, clean, clutter free space in which to relax. It will happen. I've been told over and over, come hell or high water, I will have a house. I guess, as always the case with me, I want less talk and more action. Then I may could get excited. As a side note, with my father's current health state, it doesn't appear we will be doing any of the work on it. He just isn't able and ,well, now that I'm employed, so when ?
I realize these are trivial disappointments. I and my family have experienced much worse over the last couple of years. But it's on my mind. It annoys and troubles me. Sometimes it just feels good to bitch.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I'm really excited about the job though, aside from that quandary. I like selling jewelry. It sparkles. I like the people I work with. I like the company. And I really love the paychecks! It feels good after so long without one. I could see myself staying there for a long time if they get the scheduling down pat. I'm not sure if there is an opportunity to advance in this department. And I'm not sure I would want to go to another one. Hopefully raises will be forth coming later down the road. Department stores are notorious for not keeping up in salaries. Guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. But so far, so good!
My father had his second radiation treatment yesterday and is doing well. I'm glad for that. Only 3 more to go to see if it works. I'm hoping it does so all this can be behind the family soon. My mother has her out patient surgery next month. Hopefully everything will work out for the best for both of them and we can get back to normal before Christmas.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tomorrow my father goes for his first radiation treatment. The doctor said it shouldn't make him sick, but he will feel a little tired afterward. I hope it goes that well. Next week he will have two or three more, followed by one the week after. Then they will do another CT scan to see if it has helped. I'm hoping it all goes well.
He fell last week at church somehow. He hit his head on the asphalt in the parking lot, scrapped up his elbows pretty bad and did some serious bruising to his foot and ankle. He's been limping around a bit. As bad as his foot looks with the bruises and swelling, it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't fractured or broken. So far he hasn't had the doctor check it out. I told him to mention it tomorrow if it still looks and feels as bad as today. I'm sure he won't, but at least I tried.
Work is going very well. It has been exhausting after so much time off. I'm wiped out when I get home after a 9 hour day. I use to work 12 hour days no problem. Guess it will take some getting use too again. I had 18 hours my first week of training. I have 28 hours for this week and scheduled for 33 hours next week. I'm glad to see more hours. I was getting concerned that I may not get enough. Trying to get someone that knows what they are doing to train me properly is a challenge. Everyone in my department is relatively new. I'm picking up what I can from different folk as I work with them. It seems that most of them like to just stand around and talk. I find that aspect frustrating. I do my best to keep busy. It just makes time pass quicker. I do like the job though. It reminds me of the good ole days when I managed a jewelry store. Same concept, just a smaller scale and I'm not responsible for everything. I think it will be okay in the end. I do need to find out about insurance. No one has mentioned it to me yet, so guess I'll have to remember to ask about it.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My father has had one spot on his lung for 8 years that has never changed nor had anything done to it or about it. Supposedly, it fine to leave it alone.
A new spot was discovered a while back that had not been there before. This is the one the doctors are concerned with. Given it's small size and location, they could not do a needle biopsy. Given the condition of his lungs, they can not do a surgical biopsy either. They are left with either not treating it at all or giving him radiation treatment. They have opted for the latter given it's aggressive growth, even though it is no larger than a nickle at the moment but considering when it was first discovered it was a bit smaller than a pencil eraser several months ago. He will under go 3 to 5 treatments, every other day, and they will monitor him and the tumor. Tomorrow, he is to be fitted for a device to keep him immobile during the treatment and they will set the date for the first treatment as well that day. So there it is in a nutshell. We still do not know if it is cancerous or not, and there is no way to tell without further endangering his life or health. At least now, the wait is almost over.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Watching the days turn to nights.
Another 24 hours has passed.
Nothing has really changed,
just more of the same.
I long for a different routine.
I crave the excitement of the new.
Too much time has lapsed.
So much worry.
Too much boredom.
Wound tight each day,
searching the horizon for a change;
But more of the same
flood towards me,
in torrents of despair,
of everything but what I need.
Stuck in a quagmire of circumstance.
Waiting for rescue.
Hoping this new day
will deliver what I seek
but can't articulate.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My father's big test are tomorrow. He will undergo a stress test and CT scan. His yearly check up today was fine.
Not much has really changed around here. It's a tedious bore and a gut wrenching wait all rolled into one.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
My mother went for her follow up visit to make sure she is in good shape for her reconstruction surgery next month. She is thankfully. It now depends on what is going on with my father as to whether it will still be done on August 15th or not. Thankfully, it is an out patient procedure, so that will help some.
My father's diagnosis isn't quite as cheery. They are doing a stress test, which he will fail, to determine whether he can undergo surgery for the tumor in his lung. They have also scheduled a biopsy to determine if it is indeed cancer or not. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Why they couldn't have done all this crap to start with is beyond me. Anyway, a CT scan of his head and neck is to be done too. There is concern that this tumor may have spread to his brain. Just gets better doesn't it? So once again, the only thing we know for certain is he will definitely have radiation for the tumor, whether cancerous or not, and surgery is still up in the air at this point and there is no definitive time frame for this all the begin.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tomorrow, my father goes to get the definitive diagnosis and treatment plan from the medical team. I'm so hoping it isn't cancer. All of us think it is though. Hopefully, we will be wrong.
Also, Wednesday, I have my interview at Macy's. I'm excited and nervous. I hope I get it. I don't care what the hours are, what position it is, or what the pay is. I just want a job!
The stress of the last couple of days has made me phyiscally ill. I woke up this morning with a headache and an upset stomach. I'm better now, just a little tired.
Yesterday, I worked in the bathroom at my parents old place. There was water damage that had to be repaired. I removed the toilet, took up the tile, and cut, chipped, and clawed away at the rotten subfloor. I finally got that replaced and filled. Now it is ready for the new tile whenever my parents arrange for that.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
As Wednesday draws closer, I have to say, the more my nerves are becoming frayed. I'm worried about what the doctors will say about what is going on with my father and all that will entail. I'm so nervous about my upcoming interview. I've tried to put it all out of my head, but it is still there simmering in the background. Too many what ifs and nothing solid to hold on to at this point.
I'm concerned that my father will have cancer. I'm concerned that whatever it turns out to be and whatever treatment they have to do will be his downfall. He's not in that great of health overall to begin with. It worries me that this may be the beginning of the end for him. Of course, I thought the same about my mother's breast cancer too and she has rebounded amazingly well. Her reconstructive surgery is scheduled for August 15th. I just hope that both my parents aren't in the hospital at the same time or undergoing some sort of treatment simultaneously. Not sure I can handle that, especially if I am fortunate enough to land the job with Macy's.
I can't believe how worried I am about interviewing for a sales job in a department store. My mother told me yesterday not to be too disappointed if I don't get it cause they may be 20 other people interviewing for the same position. She is correct on that part, but I would be disappointed. Devastated even. My first interview in 2 years, yep, it would be a sever blow to me. If they want experience I have it in spades, selling many different products over the years and retail management experience to boot. I'm making sure I look polished and sharp.
I have have got to get this job somehow. I can't handle this unemployment much longer without going insane. I applied for food stamps. A whooping $137 a month. Woohoo! Not really enough, but better than nothing I guess. Sadly it will only cover food only. Nothing like toothpaste, toilet paper, Windex, nothing you can't eat. And no alcohol or tobacco either. They really want unemployment to be as miserable as possible.
I really just need to win the lottery. It would help with a lot of this stress. It may not restore my parents health, but I wouldn't worry about being able to care for them. I could even hire someone to help me if need be. At some point, I just need to catch a break. Something needs to go in my favor.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
You Are a Traditionalist
You aren't impressed by anything that's too modern. You go for whatever is classic.
Some may call you a bit old school, but you know that old school eventually becomes new school!
You are sophisticated and classy. You don't try to grab attention, but you always get plenty of it anyway.
You are rich in personality, spirit, and probably even wealthy. You never flaunt your advantages.