Sunday, July 31, 2011

Casual Observation

Some days just suck. They start off teasing you with promises of sunshine, but then they turn stormy. People are like days in some ways. The dark and the light. The stormy and calm. The hot and the cold. Full of promise and mystery. Full of the expected and routine. Both people and days come and go. Some days and some people, you will remember forever. Most mix it all together but the best make you better because it. Days and people are a lot like.

Sports Oops

The infamous Lip Lock exposed!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Got Issues

I would like to think I'm issue free, but honestly, I doubt that is truly the case. Tommy remarked once that I had the least issues of anyone he had ever met. It made me smile, but I secretly wondered if he was just being kind or still didn't know me that well. It may have been a case of both. I do have issues, though they are minute and I hide them very well. I have things that push my buttons. I'm aware of them and try to take control of them instead of being ruled by them. I try to turn them into non issues and deal with them privately. Part of self improvement or personal growth is being empowered to make the changes in the parts of yourself you aren't happy with. Losing weight is one example. Another is not letting social faux pas get to you. One person may not see what the big deal is, though to you (me) it is a sign of disrespect or ignorance or such. Those I don't broadcast. I let them pass unless it is so grievous that I can't let it go. Even then, I will do my best to hold my tongue and bitch quietly to myself about it. On the other hand, things that offend common decency shouldn't be disregarded, nor blown out of proportion. My biggest issues are listed below. Can you add to the list?

  • Personal insults in retiliation

  • Carelessness that results in a loss of some sort

  • Vindictive actions that cause regret or damage

  • Losing control of one's self to any detremint

  • Behaving callously with another's feelings

  • Disrespecting a person, or another's property

  • Tormenting a person or animal

  • Abuse toward another in any shape or form

Thursday, July 28, 2011


There are sides of me yet undiscovered by those around me. A few, even from myself. I like learning and growing as a person. I think that it is such a noble thing to do, to be in constant evolution of one's self. Those that only chase the material things in life, fall short on substance and understanding. I feel sorry for those who never question beyond what they have been taught. I feel they miss a major part of living by doing so. The tribulations of life are there for a reason. The bad experiences are meant to make you stretch your limits, test your boundaries. The good things in life are free and sustaining if we learn to recognize and appreciate them when they arrive, regardless of how fleeting they may be. While perfection is rarely reached, lest by anyone I've met, the pursuit is worthy and rewarding. By opening yourself up to the world around you, you truly find your place in the universe. And with that, your peace.

Thursday Tease

Enjoyable Things

I love it when a guy

  • Hugs me from behind

  • Kisses my neck or nuzzles my ear

  • is playful or teases

  • notice the little things about me or my life

  • gives long hugs for no reason

  • wants to takes pictures together

  • makes the first move

  • has pet names for me (and me for him)

  • is affectionate

  • likes to cuddle watching TV or a DVD

  • looks at me that certain way that lets you know they want you and care about you

Now to find the guy that can do all this....

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Uncle Russell

My uncle Russell passed away Tuesday. His long fight with cancer and emphysema is finally over. I had made mention of it a while back ago in a post. I have been surprised at how long he has lasted after all he had been through. He was my father's youngest sibling and the first to pass away. My father isn't showing much emotion, at the moment, but I'm sure it is hitting him hard. They have always been close and face the same illness. I went to the visitation this evening, stopping by on the way home from work. His daughter was there. She thought I was another cousin. She was dressed more for a motorcycle rally then a visitation. Of course she has always been a tramp. At least her leather vest was black. It was great to see many cousins I rarely see. Sad it had to be under such circumstance. My aunt that cared for him is rather distraught. It showed on her face and I could hear it in her voice. She is the next oldest of the siblings. At 65, may my uncle finally rest in peace. The peace he never knew on this Earth. He will rejoin his parents.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Last evening, I went outside to smoke. Tommy was on the couch watching tv. Most times he joins me and we chat while I do my little dirty deed. He stayed inside. Our drinking the night before wore him out. I sat down on the patio and gazed west, over the neighbors houses. I could see the trees on the other side of them standing proud against the sky. There were clouds scattered about that caught the shifting rays of the setting sun. The colors were beautiful. I watched the clouds change shapes. The light falling over the edges like water flows over rocks in a stream. Dusty pinks, creams, grey, against the shifting clouds was mesmerizing. Vivid colors moved across the sky as the sun slowly lowered itself below the tree line, and finally the houses. It was so peaceful. Just the insects and me and the clouds and the setting sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful thing a sunset is to watch.

Inner Space

Reserved. Pensive. Sedate. But maybe I'm just boring, shy and unsure of myself. I have my moments for each. Sometimes all in one day. I would like to think those that have known me for any length of time understand this and see past those less than stellar moments (depression not withstanding). Like everyone else on the planet, I have good days and bad. The good I hope out weights the bad, though I tend to bundle my bad together in stretches of several days. The bad passes and the good return. I consider myself a great person to be around. I'm thoughtful, considerate, humorous, intelligent and respectful, unless I'm protecting myself from getting hurt emotionally. Then I come across as boring and dispassionate. The last thing my ex told me before getting in his car almost 11 years ago, was he spoiled me for other men. I didn't want to believe it or that it was true in any way. Sadly, I believe he was correct. I look at the way I interact with guys I'm interested in. Instead of being the fun loving, open guy I know myself to be, I keep a distance between us. I come across as pensive and aloof. Almost expressionless, rarely smiling or laughing, though that is what I desperately want to do around them. It's always my hope that they will see through this ploy and put forth the effort to get me to trust them, open myself and my heart to them. Of course at the same time I fear becoming an emotional mess if I did. While not a control freak per se, I do rein tight control over myself, my actions, my reactions, my emotions, all not to seem needy or desperate or lonely or maybe even human. Ten years with an unaffectionate alcoholic drug addict will do that to a guy I suppose. Despite myself or maybe because of it, what I really want more than anything, is to be loved unconditionally, without reserve. To be held and comforted for no reason. To feel safe and protected with someone. Therapy through the years lets me know these things about myself. Now maybe others will too. Maybe they know someone like me. Maybe it will help them reach out and see through what is holding themselves back in relationships. Maybe it will help someone find true love. Maybe even someone like me.

Sports Oops

: p

Sunday Tease

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Unplanned Fun

After laying around all day Friday and doing nothing, I texted Tommy to see what he was doing. We texted back and forth for a while, then made plans. I drove to his place and picked him up. We went to the liquor store and the grocery store. Constantly chattering about anything and everything. Once back at his place, he cooked hamburgers and made Lemon Drop Martinis. I told him I didn't bring my camera for once, so he took this pic after we set up for the shot. I convinced him to post it on Facebook. Turned out pretty good huh? The drinks were fabulous and flowing till after 1am. He finally gave me a tour of the upstairs. I love his sleigh bed! I've always wanted one of those (or a big four poster canopy bed). As a side note, our furniture would mesh perfectly, just sayin'. We watched "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows, part 1" to get him up to speed for today's matinee viewing of Part 2. As usual, we talked, drank, laughed all night. I finally got home about 2:30 am. I'm exhausted but content. The first time ever last night, we actually viewed a little porn together on his lap top. Guess he isn't as saintly as I thought (wink). Looking forward to hanging out again today with him.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Feeling Weird And Stuff

This has been a strange month health wise for me. Normally, I'll have a headache or an upset stomach during the course of a month. Nothing protracted, just normal stuff everyone experiences occasionally. But this month is different. I have missed three days because of being "under the weather". And these haven't been the typical I experience either. Let me describe it.

  • A low grade migraine that last a day or two or three. (Not the skull shattering kind, just enough to be persistently annoying.)

  • Occasional waves of nausea but never crossing over into actually getting sick.

  • Tired, fatigued, worn out, despite enough sleep.

  • Light headiness with occasional dizziness and loss of balance. (Haven't fell or passed out yet, but feel like I could.)

This has happen in two extended episodes this month. First begin on the 8th and lasting through the 11th. The second begin 20th up to today. First time I missed one day though it had started at work, I managed to get through the day. This time again it began at work and I stayed till the end of my shift. I missed yesterday still feeling all the symptoms though the headache did finally go away after a long nap. Today I'm out with nausea and being light headed. I may could have worked but decided if it was a prelude to some really bad event, I didn't want to be at work for it. It's weird. The symptoms come and go for a few days then totally disappear. I've never had any problems with my heart, lungs, blood pressure etc. This is totally new. The only thing I'm aware of needing is new glasses. I have almost decided to go the Urgent care next time I feel like I did Wednesday. Maybe they can find something when all the symptoms are in full swing.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wednesday Tease

I'm All a Tingle

Tommy and I are going to see this Saturday afternoon,

followed by cooking out and hang time at his place.

He asked me when my curfew was?


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Morning Giggle

Only in Japan...

Sports Oops

Sizing up the competition!

Happy Birthday!!

Today is my mother's birthday!

She turns 72!

I've never known anyone with such

a capacity for love and compassion.

She is my inspiration.

Happy Birthday!

Monday, July 11, 2011


Nothing has really changed around here lately. My father is still on the continually slow decline health wise. My parents have managed to get to the lake house twice this year so far. I'm glad about that. Who knows when will be the last time they get to enjoy it together. I'm still battling the bulge. In fact, I've actually gained about 10 pounds. I attribute it to stress and lack of selection while at work. Tommy is still looking for work. I do wish something would come along for him. On the romantic front it ain't gonna happen I'm afraid. I'm disappointed, but what can you do? They either like you that way or they don't. Apparently he don't. My wonderful Izzy is still wonderful and a great reason to be home. I can't imagine my life with the pooch. Jessica and I have had drinks a couple of times after work. I stay for one, though if it wasn't already a long day, I'd love to have more! Work is work and a paycheck. Nothing to get excited about. I keep applying for jobs when I find something that interest me. So far nothing. I'm playing the lottery, cause you can't win if you don't play. No one has invited me to any parties this year so far. I have been to the naked pool a few times this summer, but it's losing it's appeal. It's just so far to drive. My parents place is still on the market. Only a couple of half ass offers that they haven't even seriously considered. I hope it sells soon, but doubt it will. My mother is holding up pretty well. No more mentions of Hospice. They go to the doctor next week, so we will see how it goes. I guess I'm stuck in a rut, as usual. Bored out of my mind. Still lonely to some degree. Basically, I decided I'm not gonna give a shit anymore. Somebody wants me, they are gonna have to put forth a tremendous effort. And life goes on.....

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