Wednesday, June 30, 2010
You Could Use Some Red
Your life may seem to be in a rut right now. Your wheels are turning, but you're not going anywhere.
You feel like you could be getting so much more out of every day, but you don't know where to begin.
Tap into some red energy by starting small. Do one thing you love, and do it as much as you want to.
Once you get a taste of what it's like to follow your passions, you'll be unstoppable!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I've tried my best to be a good person. Am I perfect? Hell no. Why is it that I never seem to make any progress in my life. I'm not talking about the just the last two years either. It is always 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. I can't seem to get ahead. Is it because I'm too nice? Maybe I need to be a big, self serving bitch. Maybe I need to have the attitude that everyone owes me something. Maybe I should just resort to doing evil things. Whatever I'm doing is certainly not paying dividends. Fuck that shit about your reward is in heaven. I want a fucking house, a boyfriend, a nice car, sweet vacations and a fucking job, like every fucking body else! I think the shit I've been through with family, friends, and employment, not to mention my own personal demons should place me close to the front of the line for this shit. But hell no, I'm stuck at the end, living off whatever fucking crumbs life seems to toss my way. What the hell do I need to do to get to where I should be at this point in my life? Working and doing what is right hasn't done squat to get me there. I'm tired of always being the last one in everything. I'm tired of being the poor one, the unemployed one, the fat one, the hairy one, the trailer park one. Damn it God! Fucking Pay Attention! I'm suffering and you do nothing! Not a damn thing! My life has gone steadily downhill despite my sacrifices and best efforts! Where the hell are my answered prayers? I ask for healthy parents. You fucked that up. I asked for a job, for 2 fucking years! You ain't helped with that one either! I ask for good friends or a boyfriend, you sent shallow stupid people! What the hell is wrong with you? I have tried to love everyone. Not steal, lie, murder all the other bullshit rules of yours and for what? A whole lot of fucking nothing! Would I be rewarded more if I didn't give a shit? It seems those are the ones who get the blessing. I'm waiting on proof you even exist any more. I use to believe. Now.....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Another hot humid day here in NC. The 8th straight day of temps over 90 degrees. So far, I've managed with the one A/C unit. It did manage to reach 95 degrees one day inside this tin box I call home. I have lots of fans running and I keep a close eye on Izzy. I leave the bedroom door slightly ajar, where the A/C is, so he can go cool off if need be and make sure he has plenty of water. I even put ice in his water bowl for the little bugger. I worry more for him than me. He isn't use to the heat. He has always been an inside dog. It's just a nuisance for me, nothing more. I have to admit, it has affected my blogging this week. My laptop is in the hottest part of the trailer. I open the window later in the day and run 4 fans in to stir up the air, but without cross ventilation, it just winds up feeling like a convection oven.
Couple the heat and humidity with the concerns over my father, and it makes for one very frustrated guy. I don't have a good feeling about it. The same as with my mother. My hunches are rarely wrong. My father is taking it in stride, not getting to worked up over it till the test come back, but he has expressed he thinks it could be cancer too. My mother is trying to hold it together, but gets very emotional when they discuss more test or the what ifs. My father has redone his will and set up a trust for me, just to make sure I get a house, regardless of what happens. At this point, he couldn't help me build one like we had planned. He just doesn't have it in him any more.
Of course, I'm still searching for a job. Still waiting for my last tier of unemployment benefits to kick in. I'm just about broke, again. The timing couldn't be worse with all that is going on with my parents. I just hope I can get something before the end of the month, before all the monthly bills start over. I may have enough to cover them, but nothing left over for other stuff, like gas, or buying my own groceries, or spending money. I hate to be a burden to them right now. I pray ever night for a job and winning the lottery. Sometimes it all seems for naught. I'm more thankful for what I do have rather than worry over what I don't. It helps me get through the day.
Scott and I are still talking about every other day for an hour or more. We still want to get together. Him working third shift usually only leaves the weekend. Hopefully we'll do it soon. I want to invite him to a pool party with my high school buds on the 26th, but I would like to hook up one more time first. Just so I know the chemistry wasn't a fluke. If we don't before then, I won't invite him. I'll just go alone as I usually do to these events.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Scott is a true sweetheart. We have actually hooked up before about 5 years ago during my last getting laid phase. Not sure he remembers and I haven't mentioned it. Really don't see the need to actually. Not only was this last encounter amazing, we have actually chatted extensively since. With him, he made it all about me and making me feel good. I returned the favor. (Totally opposite of Greg, who just wanted to get off because he was horny.) We actually got together on his birthday. He said I was his gift, since I met him at the door naked, and that the cockring was the bow. How sweet is that?
Monday, June 14, 2010
- The oxygen is really helping my father. He has an appointment for some more test this morning. Hopefully, they will discover what is causing these problem, the sleeping problem and the weight lose. Of course, more waiting is in order.
- I have enjoyed myself immensely over the last week or so. Having meet two nice fellas in person with whom there seems to be potential. A third is in the works, but not too sure how it will go. Haven't actually met him yet.
- Saturday was the absolute most fun, liberating experience I have had in my life. The toga party was fabulous. Met some really nice guys and reconnected with a friend I haven't seen in 20 years!
- The job hunt continues. The resumes are a flying outta here. I'm sure I've sent out close to 75 if not more. I have realized that furthering my education once I return to the workforce will be paramount to staying competitive and employable. I've got my fingers crossed, my eyes and ears open.......something will come along.....I just hope it is soon.
That's most of the big stuff for now. The rest is everyday trifling stuff that I won't bore you with. Odd how much better I feel just be getting out of the house and mingling a little. Let's hope I can keep it up.....course that depends on cash flow!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
One of the stresses I had with a friend, I took care of yesterday with a nicely worded message on Facebook and then I unfriended him. It was Chris that ask me out, then was suddenly seeing someone when I could actually go out with him after my mother's breast cancer surgery and recovery. If I want to play games, I have a chess set. If I want drama, I'll go to the theatre. End of story.
The other more worrisome problem with Jeff, my old crush, I've decided it must be an oversight and will let it pass this time.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
about the what ifs and coulda beens
I think too much about the things
that will mostly never be
See it doesn't take much
to lead an empty heart
to fan a spark into a flame
It isn't your fault
you are always kind
you are always thoughtful
Much sought after traits
by guys like me
I read your post
and scan your comments
Wanting so much to be
a part of the life you lead
But I'll take what I can get
and try to be happy with it
That is my destiny
To live through another
in a fantasy world of my own creation
to dream of what life could be like with another
with someone like you
At least you know I exist
and that will have to be enough
You Are Chamomile
You are a peaceful, relaxed person. Nothing really gets under your skin.
You appreciate coziness and comfort. There's nothing you like better than a good nap.
You don't let yourself stress or worry. You believe all things work out in the end.
You are able to remain serene in the middle of a storm. You believe it's important to be a gentle person.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
In the beginning, as a young gay man, I believed the best of everyone. No one would ever lie, cheat, steal, hurt, use or abuse me or another. Everyone, as far as I was concerned was honest and worthy of trust, friendship and respect. I grew up in the country, in a very small, close knit community. To say I was naive would be an understatement. I was raised to respect others and their property, to treat people the way you wanted to be treated, to help others when you can. School was a breeze for me academically. I had no trouble making friends, they were people just like me, from the surrounding area, my parents knew their parents. It was really quite idyllic. When I got to high school, I was exposed to people from a larger area with different views, standards, and upbringing. I adapted and realized that not everyone was the same and paid no never mind to it. In high school, I begin to work part time at 16 in town at a local department store chain. Wow, the difference in people were startling. I worked 20 to 30 hours a week, went to school, still made good grades and even had a few extracurricular activities to keep me busy.
I told my parents in 9th grade I was gay. Of course, they thought I was confused and would out grow it. We never really spoke of it then. Obviously, I haven't out grown it and still speak very little of it. They have more or less accepted it, my father a little more so than my mother at times. But I was never threaten, thrown out, attempted to be converted. Overall, it was a great childhood and transition to young adult. As most of my readers know, I remain very close to my parents to this day.
I did out grow my naivety. People did not always treat me as kind as I would have liked or expected, but I toughed up and survived. I realized that even close friends or lovers can and will do things that will hurt you, physically and emotionally. I was gaining real world experience. There were times when I was shocked at these behaviors, but forgave them. That was how I was raised. I once overheard an acquaintance tell another that I was weak for being so forgiving. It was my best friend, now deceased, that rose to my defense, stating I was more human, more man, than any one he had ever met in his life before or since. That made me smile and feel really good, not only about myself, but that my friend saw those qualities as something noble and to be defended. I never have forgotten that and try my best to maintain that standard in my life. I'm sure I fall short, but I do give it my best.
I write this because in chatting with old and new friends, I've come to appreciate something I've know all along. We are all human. We all feel the hurt, the pain, the discomfort, the awkwardness, the heartache, the betrayal. We are not alone in these experiences. We are a community of diversity, but also of amazing similarities. We shouldn't sell ourselves short as a community or individuals. Our greatest strengths lie in forgiveness and love and truth, of ourselves and others. I discovered many things the hard way growing up gay in a small town. I now try to offer insight and advice to others in an attempt to stave off the potential jading experiences. I'm sure some wish I would shut up and mind my own business. The future mental and emotional health and well being of our community is my business. At my age, they represent my future and I no longer hesitate to speak when I see the need. They are free to use or disregard accordingly, but I will have done my part to make the world a better place.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
His breathing is horrible. He can hardly walk 10 feet without having to stop to catch his breath this days. Any type of exertion leaves him huffing for air. He carrys an inhaler everywhere he goes now. The doctor has ordered oxygen to be sent to the house. He is in bad shape. With all the medication he takes for it, I see no improvement at all. To say I'm worried would be an understatement.
He continues to lose weight and has no appetite. For most of his adult life, has weight 210, on a 6'2" frame. Now he weights 150! I weighted that in high school and I'm only 5'8". Nothing seems to be working to restore his appetite or weight. He is weaker than I've ever seen him. My mother is concerned and at a lose as to what to do. She has tried everything.
I hope the doctors can figure out what is going on and correct it. I don't like where this path leads.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
You Are Spaghetti with Pesto
Compared to most people, you have complex tastes. You're a bit of a walking contradiction.
You like a little bit of everything, even if the things you like don't go together.
You aren't picky at all. You can find something to like about almost anything.
You don't judge on appearances alone. You like to experience something before you judge it.