While I realize this blog has many loyal followers, which I appreciate, this blog does not reflect my life in it's entirety. There are many parts of it, in fact, about 90% of my life prior to me starting the blog in September 2008, that my readers know nothing about. I've shared a few things from my past but not all. I elude to things and how they use to be. To say this blog is a 100% true reflection of my entire life would be erroneous. After reading a comment on my previous post, I'm left with the impression that maybe by leaving so much out, my readers don't know me as well as they would like to think based on just these blog entries. I've ran across this before from another post and comment by another follow blogger, which I addressed privately. Since this is the second time, I figured I would make this one public.
Prior to 2008, my life was going pretty well. I had money and a job doing something I enjoyed. Before 2005, I was at the top of my game as far as income was concerned. I made more than I spent, but was still able to indulge in clothes, jewelry, antiques, artwork, china, crystal and whatever else I wanted. I never had trouble paying bills or had to ask my parents for money for the last decade or more. I was a big boy finally. I took classes to improve my job skills just because. I did volunteer work for Hospice. I still give to charities even in these stressing times, though not as much obviously. And let's not forget the AIDS Walk fundraiser for the last two years, as mentioned here before. Even though I had lost so many of my friends and my ex, I was regrouping. I was learning new skills, meeting new people, doing stuff I enjoyed and had even gotten into the best shape of my life.
What happened you may ask? Life happened. It started with another round of depression. It happened when the well paying job ended because the store location was closed. It happened because my grandfather broke his hip. It happened because nothing good last forever. There is no one certain, defining moment when I can say it all began to slip away. While I still have just about everything left from those times except the money, my parents and I both became older. Thus far, it has taken a bigger toll on them, than me.
The point I'm hoping to make is this: Yes, my parents are going to buy me a house because I can not. My parents will leave me with a trust fund when they are gone. I am by no means spoiled or privileged. I have worked since I was 16. I have always had my own money and a job (even if it sucked or was low paying. I'd work my way up or move to greener pastures when I had the opportunity). So many years with an alcoholic drug addict and a declining economy has taken it toll. I'm not selfish by any stretch. I have had many friends stay free of charge with me over the years or given them money when needed. I've driven 50 miles round trip to make sure friends could get to work and back when they had no transportation. I've listened to countless hours of woe from friends and coworkers. I've helped friends move, build, start a business, etc. countless times, every time they have needed me. Now they are all gone. I'm starting over on all fronts at 46. I don't expect people to do for me all that I've done in the past or willing to to do now for a friend. I'm left alone, with a poor paying job in a crappy economy, and elderly ailing parents, while my sister travels, swims in her pool, and visits once a month. I'm the one that needs someone to listen. Maybe even borrow $20 bucks occasionally. There is no one except my parents. And I'm certainly not waiting for them to die before I start living. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, in this situation. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't. And yes, I'm bored. I have no money to entertain my self with. And few friends I can trouble for company when lonely. But more importantly I'm frustrated at it all. I can only wish to be spoiled or have friends as good as I have been to mine in the past. There were times when I gave so much of myself there was nothing left, but I would gladly do it again if the need arose.
This blog is more about releasing my frustrations and disappointments than a complete anthology of my life. It is meant for me to express the things I have no flesh and blood person to help me work through. Years of therapy and self improvement books have taught me it is needed to be healthy mentally and to keep depression at bay. I ask my readers to understand that. The blog is not the entirety of me or my life in any way.