Sunday, March 11, 2012

4 Mondays Ago

Tomorrow will be the 4th Monday without my father around. It's hard to believe it's been that long. It seems like yesterday I saw Mama holding him in her arms on the back steps. It seems like yesterday that everyone came by their house to see how he was doing. It just doesn't seem like a month has passed. During those 4 weeks, I've hardly cried. I shed tears, sure, but only wept openly once. That was the Saturday I was at Tommy's, three days after the funeral. Even then I was outside away from him. It's not that I don't miss him or didn't love him. Hardly. I just don't want to start and not stop. I know thinking about him being gone will make me think of my mother being gone. Then my grandparents. Then so many friends. I don't want that. I'm trying to be strong for my mother. I visit or call everyday, at least once. I always ask how she is doing, if she needs anything done, or anything I can help her with. All the proper paperwork has been filed. All the titles changed over. All the forms sent off. Everything has been taken care of. Except the grieving, the mourning. Nothing will take care of that but time. Now we make decisions about how to proceed from here. Nothing to be hurried about. More quizzical preponderances that we know will have to be dealt with at some point down the road when things are a bit more settled. It's more like bouncing around ideas and making a mental checklist of things to do later. Things like disposing of his clothes (Tommy will get those. He is the same height as my father. What he doesn't want or can't wear will go to Goodwill.), the truck (sold outright or traded with my mother's vehicle for her a new one at some point.), what to do with all his tools from his building (My brother in law cleared it all out before daddy passed. All of it is in storage, so some other arrangements will have to be made at some point.), as well as figuring out what to do with the tractor and all the attachments (I can still use some to take care of my mother's yard and garden for the time being.) Little things like that need to be settled definitively at some point.
Right now, my mother is coping better than I thought she would. I've been keeping a close eye on her, like my father asked. I've told her to call me regardless of the time or why if she needed to. So far she hasn't. She has managed to keep some of her same routines. People still call or visit and she has been getting out of the house to run errands or tend to task. She is keeping busy. I think she is surprised at how much time she has now. Her sleeping is returning to normal. Her appetite hasn't changed much though her cooking obviously has. She really has been much stronger through all of this than I thought she would be. I guess when you watch someone slowly slip away, it does give you a bit of time to process what is happening, so when it finally does, you aren't as shocked. My sister and her family seem to be doing ok. I think it has a bit harder for them since they didn't interact daily or weekly like my mother and I did. I know the kids are taking it hard. My sister seems on the verge of tears any time something is mentioned concerning our father, but she keeps it together around our mother.
All in all, I guess things are going as normally as they can. It will just take time.


Ur-spo said...

thank you for sharing this
it is a long time healing, isn't it.

Russ Manley said...

Yes, it just takes time. Sounds like you are proceeding slowly, carefully, lovingly - that's all good.

Bob said...

Even though we know it's impossible, a piece of us thinks our parents will live forever.

Sorry for your loss.

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