Thursday, March 15, 2012

It Had To Happen

I knew it was coming. I could feel it. I pushed it back as much as possible, but it wouldn't be stopped. I went to my mother's this morning before work to put the lawn mower battery on the charger. I've done it dozens of times with and without my father's supervision. It dawned on me big time he is gone and won't ever be back. I can't ask him questions on how to do something. I can't get his opinion or advice on things anymore. As I looked for an extension cord, I saw all the tools he had used, all the ones he had shown me how to use or that I had used while he watched because he wasn't able to use it himself. I realized that the next time I'm on the tractor, or mow the yard, or mix gas for the weed eater or the chainsaw or plow the garden, those same memories will be there. At first to haunt me about what I have lost then to comfort me that I had it at all. I held it together till I got home. Then it all came flooding out. I hate to cry. I look horrible crying. I feel horrible for crying. But it felt like a welcome relief. I only saw my father cry twice. Both times it broke my heart. If he can cry then so can I. Only I can't stop.

I called in to work today. I just returned to work yesterday after being out for a week with an acute upper respiratory infection. I've used 6 of my 10 vacations days already this year in this month along. I worry about losing my job, but supposedly they understand. I can only hope with the 9 days for bereavement then 7 days for sickness and 2 days for not being able to cope with the sudden change in my life that they truly mean it. That is the last thing I need to burden myself or my mother with at the moment. Hopefully it will all settle down soon.

But right now, at this moment, I can't say it really matters. My father is gone. One of my biggest supporters. I feel lost and so not up to the task of looking out for my mother. And holding a full time job. And taking care of the day to day stuff of ordinary living. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Hopefully the old Dave is still with me. Buried under all the grief and stress of the moment. I hope he re-emerges soon.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dave, what your Dad meant to you is still there. It was his gift to you. You will find awareness of things he did and said will pop up through the years to come. I have experienced this for 20 years now, since my father died. I think I know him better now, odd as that may seem. Take care of yourself,
Best always, Bill

Will J said...

"Old Dave" is still there, but he is wiser now because he knows this:

"...to comfort me that I had it at all"

Roger said...

It will take time and the memories will always be there you will smell a certain scent. Be eating at a certain Restaurant and the good memories will make you smile.

Taking care of your mom and a full time job will not be an issue as a responsible adult, BUT it looks like with "TOMMY" reappearing on the scene your thinking with ....

anne marie in philly said...

and this will happen more times than you know right now. give into it. it's normal, it's human nature. and NOTHING to be ashamed of.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Russ Manley said...

Just cry it out man, feel what you feel and do all the grieving you want. We all have to go through this, sooner or later: it's natural and necessary. And on the other side of it, the road goes forward again. Bless you, buddy.

Ur-spo said...

Yes, this is so.
There is no way around it.
But you are not alone.

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