While I roll with the punches and go with the flow most of the time, there are others when I fight it tooth and nail. Having to let my jewelry go to the pawn shop hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I'm not sure if it was the fact that each piece I had purchased over the years marked a milestone or special moment in my life or the monetary fact that I lost $15,000 worth of gold and diamonds for less than $600. It stings nevertheless. I've struggled for a year to keep up with the monthly payments. The pawn shop has been very understanding in working with me. Other than some original art work I own, that was the only things of value I owned. Now all five pieces are gone and I can never replace them.
I thought living without running water since September was bad enough. But I managed that by joining a gym to work out and was able to shower there. My childhood friend Tom, gave me a key to his house so I can shower there anytime I need. I thought having to turn in my new 2007 Saturn Aura with less than 3,000 miles on it was bad, but my father brought me a used car. The first I've driven since high school. I though losing my best friend Keith was hard. I thought losing my grandparents was difficult. Losing my father was even worse.
It seems all the changes in my life over the last decade or so has been for the worse, not the better. I'm tired and weary of the constant struggle. The constant uphill battle to make a better life for myself. To be happy. There is just too much change and none of it good. While I embrace change and accept it as a fact of life, enough is enough. Something good needs to happen. Something that will make a positive difference in my life. Waiting on winning the lottery ain't it. Finally selling the other house isn't either. Should my mother buy me a house, I can't afford to pay the taxes, up keep and insurance on it. Every job I apply for I hear nothing back.
So now I'm trying a different tactic. I'm letting go of the outcomes, the expectations, the high hopes, the pie in the sky dreams of happiness. Enough with the disappointments, loss, and heartache. I just don't give a damn any more. I don't care. I will do what needs to be done and to hell with everything else. I'm over it. I'm over this miserable existence called my life. I'm done. That is change I can embrace.
I thought living without running water since September was bad enough. But I managed that by joining a gym to work out and was able to shower there. My childhood friend Tom, gave me a key to his house so I can shower there anytime I need. I thought having to turn in my new 2007 Saturn Aura with less than 3,000 miles on it was bad, but my father brought me a used car. The first I've driven since high school. I though losing my best friend Keith was hard. I thought losing my grandparents was difficult. Losing my father was even worse.
It seems all the changes in my life over the last decade or so has been for the worse, not the better. I'm tired and weary of the constant struggle. The constant uphill battle to make a better life for myself. To be happy. There is just too much change and none of it good. While I embrace change and accept it as a fact of life, enough is enough. Something good needs to happen. Something that will make a positive difference in my life. Waiting on winning the lottery ain't it. Finally selling the other house isn't either. Should my mother buy me a house, I can't afford to pay the taxes, up keep and insurance on it. Every job I apply for I hear nothing back.
So now I'm trying a different tactic. I'm letting go of the outcomes, the expectations, the high hopes, the pie in the sky dreams of happiness. Enough with the disappointments, loss, and heartache. I just don't give a damn any more. I don't care. I will do what needs to be done and to hell with everything else. I'm over it. I'm over this miserable existence called my life. I'm done. That is change I can embrace.
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2 comments:
Dave, I am really sorry things are not going well for you right now, but in my short 26 years in this life, I have grown to realise that anything can happen, at anytime, hang in there kitty, happiness might just be around the corner.
a very wise approach indeed.
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