Possum in a Can

Sure, this possum looks darling, but trying getting one out from under your sink at 3am! Yes, it's true. I woke up one night a few years ago to a strange noise coming from the bathroom. It didn't sound like a mouse. Living with a cow pasture behind my trailer, I'm very familiar with them. This was much louder. I got out of bed and tipped toed in to the bathroom. It was quiet. Then down the hall toward the kitchen. I heard it again. It was in the bathroom. I flipped on the light. I couldn't see anything. I peeked behind the toilet, even looked in the tub. Nothing there or behind the door. There was that noise again. It was coming from under the vanity! I took a view steps closer and the racket was quite loud this time. I opened up one door. Nothing. I closed it and opened the other. My God, it was a huge possum! I slammed the door! I didn't want that thing escaping and running amuck in my trailer. I just couldn't believe it. I wondered how in the hell it got there, but more importantly, how was I gonna get rid of it? I don't own a gun and if I did, I wasn't going to fire it inside my trailer at 3am! I could see the headlines in the paper, "Naked man attacks defenseless possum". He/she didn't seem that defenseless to me! It hissed at me! I had to do some quick thinking. I needed my beauty sleep!

I had a brilliant idea, or so I thought. I would poke it with a broom and it would scurry back from whence it came! I grabbed the broom, opened one door, and poked. The possum didn't appreciate being poked with a broom at 3 in the morning. It hissed and bowed its back and hissed some more. I slammed the door closed again. Now mind you, I'm a reasonable person, even naked and at 3 in the morning. This was already moving past a 30 minute ordeal. I knew damn well I wasn't gonna grab it and yank it out of there. I finally came up with an even more brilliant idea. I emptied out my metal waste can on the floor. I was gonna coax this possum into the trash can! I opened up the door real slow this time. The possum, with his beady little eyes was waiting. I eased the the can close and slowly advanced. He backed up. I moved in even closer. He backed up some more. I could see where this was going. I'm tired, I'm naked, I have a possum under my bathroom sink, and it 3:45 in the morning! I shoved the can right on top of him. He hissed greatly. I heard his claws on the metal and imagined what those would do to my tender neither regions if I failed at this mission. I grabbed the broom and proceeded to try to cram the poor creature in to the waste can. I've never heard such a commotion. He was pushing back as much as I was pushing in.

Finally, I had the can up against the wall under the vanity. He was trapped. Now what? I tilted the can up so he would slid to the bottom. I was hoping he couldn't wriggle his way back out. I managed to keep the end of the broom over the top while I extracted him and the waste can from under the sink. I walked to the back door. I had every intent of slinging him out into the night. Then I thought, "What if he/she is really stupid and comes back in tonight?" Another plan was needed. I had some boards in the other bedroom, at the other end of the trailer, that I paint on. Ah! I stepped quickly to retrieve one while still carrying my catch. I arrived back at the rear door, turned on the light, opened the door, and set can and possum on the bottom step. (no neighbors were frightened at the sight of my danglely bits or possum in a can.) It was done. I covered the top with the board and placed something on top to hold it down.

Morning came. I over slept (thanks). I was going to be late for work. I hurried through my morning routine and headed out the door. After settling in at work, taking care of the opening details and such, I proceeded to recount my tale to a co worker. I stopped about two sentences in. Oh my God! My possum in a can was still on my back steps! I called my parents. I got my mother on the phone and quickly explained the harrowing feat of bravery to her. I ask that she rely it to my father and have him release the poor critter, because in my rush I had forgotten.

Well, I went on about my day. I couldn't wait to get home. I had worked almost open to close, about 11 hours. It was dark when I arrived. I looked out the back door. The can was still there, with the board and the heavy object on top. My goodness. I felt sorry for him/her. The poor thing had sat in a black metal trash can, that reeked of cigarettes, in the hot sun all day, with no food or water.(my mother thought I was kidding!) I hoped PETA or ASPCA hadn't got wind of what I had done. I hoped it wasn't dead because of me. I walked down the steps. There wasn't any sound coming from inside the trash can. I cautiously remove the heavy object and board and peeked in. There he/she was. Those beady little eyes staring back, albeit, they seemed sadder, not quite a fiery as I remembered. I tipped the can over slowly. The huge possum emerged, unscathed. It walked a couple of wobbly steps, turned and looked me directly in the eye and hissed. It turned and took a few more steps, looked back and hissed again! This critter holds a grudge! I apologized and watched it wobble off into the dark.

If you need to catch a possum call me. The Possum Catcher Extraordinaire!