Everyone has their good days and bad days. For me the bad outnumber the good. It isn't always the rain on my parade, the thorn in my side, or even some horrific injustice. It's depression. I've lived with it, tolerated it, beat it, succumbed to it, and held it at bay for almost 20 years now. At the moment, it is kicking my butt. I don't have a job, nor insurance, and therefore no medication. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and do the absolute minimal to call my existence a life. I have a hard enough time focusing (mild inattentive disorder, recently diagnosed), and getting through the day without killing myself or someone else, or beating the dog, or lashing out at family or strangers. The frustration is overwhelming. Unless a person has ever suffered through it themselves I don't believe one can fully understand the devastating impact it has in your everyday life. Simple household chores, like washing dishes, doing laundry, or mowing the yard seem like climbing Mount Everest. Everything seems to take more effort and just leaves you drained. The rational part of your mind is constantly screaming at you to do something, anything, but all it succeeds in doing is making you angry. Angry at yourself, your life, your predicament. Medication helps take the edge off. It makes me more tolerant of others and myself. It puts me back on an even keel.
In order to find help with my medication, I had to apply for Food Stamps. Health Quest will only help you if you bring a letter from them stating you have applied. Why they require it, I'm not sure. I felt even worse having to go through that process. I have an appointment next week. I hope I can make it that long. I'm certain I can. One suicide attempt was one too many. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Surprising how much he actually helps. (When I'm away from him for more than a few hours I start freaking out and can't wait to get home.) Unless you have firsthand experience of depression, words will never convey the hopelessness, the frustration, the confusion, and worthlessness of it all.
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1 comment:
I have had an issue with anxiety attacks and I have found, like you have with your dog, that my kids have really improved the problem. I don't have time to eat let alone have a panic attack. ;)
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