Bah Hum Bug

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. There are too many things weighting me down I guess to give into commercial frivolity and consumerism. Concerns about my parents and money are the tops of the list. Macy's really fucked up my budget for the month with their Thanksgiving/Black Friday bullshit. I hate worrying week after week, month after month, about gas to get to work or how to pay some bill or if I'll be able to get my jewelry out of the pawn shop or whatever else pops up. My normal happy go lucky disposition has been replaced with cynicism and a chronic case of I just don't give a shit any more. Sadly I don't see this ending before the year is out. Now Christmas is upon us and I need to spend even a few dollars on gifts for people that really don't need a damn thing just to not feel bad myself and not guilty for receiving anything they give me. What a crock! I had planned to do Christmas cards this year, but can't afford that either. I honestly had more money when I was unemployed. I've only seen 1 or 2 checks this year over $300 after taxes and deductions. If there is one wish I have for Christmas this year, it would be to win the lottery. I know I should be wishing for my father's health to improve but even if it did, money would still be an issue. At least he would pass knowing my bills are paid and I have a roof over my head and I could take care of my mother regardless of what happens. Maybe along with becoming cynical, I've become pragmatic as well. If next year is this bad money wise, I'm gonna start selling drugs and take my chances.