It's My Birthday

In 48 years, I've learned to cherish those precious moments with those I hold dear; to give of myself, till there is none left to give; to allow others to be themselves and love them for it; realized that money, people, or possessions cannot make me happy, unless I am happy with myself; to treat others the way I want to be treated; that I'm capable of and much stronger than I ever thought possible; that I honor my Creator by just being the best I can be and that above all else, Love really does conquer all. Today I turn 48. It has been a roller coaster ride called my life. And while it may not be perfect, it is mine. I claim it and I'm blessed because of it. Thanks to everyone for sharing the journey this far. There is still many more awesome things to come!

Amazing Beauty

Through my eyes, I wish you could see
The beauty that is you,
Never ending, amazing beauty
Your smile, your touch, your eyes

You say my name
The whispers of angels could be no sweeter.
The warmth of your embrace so dearly missed
So consuming when you are near.
Wrapped in your arms, so protected.

Just a glance my way and I'm defenseless.
Soulful eyes that gaze into mine.
Lost in you and I'm suddenly found.

Lingering kisses, lasting and sweet
Leaves me wide eyed and alive.
Just a touch and I quiver
My body becomes flushed with desire.
My soul on fire.

The never ending, amazing beauty
That is you.
Through my eyes, I wish you could see.

The beauty that is you.
Never ending, amazing beauty.

Equality

Dating Games

Well, after my short break from trying to meet a nice guy, I'm back in the saddle. I've met some really nice fellas in the last couple of months.

• Beau - mid 50's, divorced, 4 kids, sweet as can be, stayed overnight 3 times with him since January, we have chatted for almost a year before meeting, has potential and makes me happy.
• Marty - mid 40's, a couple of years younger than me, very close to where I live, some high school friends set us up, many similarities in our lives, our first time together was awesome, lots of potential, but not sure if he is wanting the same as me though has shown extreme interest, definitely staying in touch to see.
• Keith - early 50's, very nice, handsome, successful, divorced, but not out, so doubt this will go beyond our first meeting other than chatting.
• Dominick - mid 50's, OMG hot, and intelligent, funny, a truly great vibe to be around, divorced, with 5 kids, 3 or so grandkids, a job that requires travel, and a lot of interest to keep him busy, lots of potential and attraction on my part, but when would he find time for me?
• Lee - mid 50's, sweet guy, awesome skills, but bisexual, not looking for LTR, so no point in bothering unless I want a hook up.
• Norman - Mid 50's, back in the picture from last year, still hugely attracted to each other, but the same problem persist -his "ex" still hasn't moved out yet, so leaves me wondering.
• Mike - mid 50's, sweet guy from New York, works hard, close by, but seems more friend material than husband material.

My favorites right now are Beau and Marty. It's a toss up if I had to choose one today.  Norm is fun and flirty and though we have made tentative plans, I really don't see it going anywhere again. While Beau has 4 kids and an ex wife, he seems to have forged a gay identity separate from his old life. Marty is honestly everything I want in a husband, but while his initial interest was through the roof, once he got what he wanted, he quickly cooled off. Some how I'm not sure what to make of it. He is a Gemini and I certainly know how that goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I chat with guys all the time online. Very few do I met in person and even less do I hook up with. While I am accessible, I'm not a slut and have no intention of being. I want a long term relationship not a fling or just a roll in the hay. I'm worth the effort and the one for me is too.

I want a husband, soul mate, best friend, lover all rolled into one. While we don't have to have exactly the same taste or agree on everything, I would like to share common values, similar backgrounds. Age doesn't matter much to me. Younger is fine, but not more than 5 years, I think. Older is great but not more than 8 to 10, 5 years would be ideal. I want to grow old together, not be a caregiver.  I'm hopeful. I put myself out there in the fray, sort through the BS and flakes and have met some really nice guys. While a nice guy is a cool find, there has to be something else, that spark, and it has to be mutual. It's ok if it only turns to a friendship. I'll move on. No biggie. Unless I give it the opportunity to become something more, I never know. I've also learned over the past 2.5 years with Tommy: pay attention to the signs and know when to walk away.

Embracing Change

While I roll with the punches and go with the flow most of the time, there are others when I fight it tooth and nail. Having to let my jewelry go to the pawn shop hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I'm not sure if it was the fact that each piece I had purchased over the years marked a milestone or special moment in my life or the monetary fact that I lost $15,000 worth of gold and diamonds for less than $600. It stings nevertheless. I've struggled for a year to keep up with the monthly payments. The pawn shop has been very understanding in working with me. Other than some original art work I own, that was the only things of value I owned. Now all five pieces are gone and I can never replace them.

I thought living without running water since September was bad enough. But I managed that by joining a gym to work out and was able to shower there. My childhood friend Tom, gave me a key to his house so I can shower there anytime I need. I thought having to turn in my new 2007 Saturn Aura with less than 3,000 miles on it was bad, but my father brought me a used car. The first I've driven since high school. I though losing my best friend Keith was hard. I thought losing my grandparents was difficult. Losing my father was even worse.

It seems all the changes in my life over the last decade or so has been for the worse, not the better. I'm tired and weary of the constant struggle. The constant uphill battle to make a better life for myself. To be happy. There is just too much change and none of it good. While I embrace change and accept it as a fact of life, enough is enough. Something good needs to happen. Something that will make a positive difference in my life. Waiting on winning the lottery ain't it. Finally selling the other house isn't either. Should my mother buy me a house, I can't afford to pay the taxes, up keep and insurance on it. Every job I apply for I hear nothing back.

So now I'm trying a different tactic. I'm letting go of the outcomes, the expectations, the high hopes, the pie in the sky dreams of happiness. Enough with the disappointments, loss, and heartache. I just don't give a damn any more. I don't care. I will do what needs to be done and to hell with everything else. I'm over it. I'm over this miserable existence called my life. I'm done. That is change I can embrace.

Food For Thought

"Unless you are selling manure, it doesn't pay to give a shit." ~ Ultra Dave

Where I Stand

I don't give up. I don't give in. But I do give and give till I'm weary and worn out. Of my time, my support, my heart and despite all the trails and tribulations of life, I still have more to give. There is still hope to find a worthy individual to receive all I have to offer.