More Stuff

This new year feels a lot like the old one. Of course only 9 days in to it, there is ample time for it to change.

I spoke with the mechanic yesterday about the car. Yep, the pistons are warped. Figures. So it will be $2,000 bucks to fix. Thankfully my mother said she would pay it and I could just make payments to her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her! It hurts to have her to pay though, so any money not going to bills will be going to her. I just hope I can continue to make payments on my jewelry at the pawn shop. All I can do is my best. Let things fall where they may. Nothing more I can do about it.

On the work front, I'm being moved from the sales floor to the support team. It feels like a demotion almost. I'll lose my full time status and my benefits as well. I have mixed feeling about it. I do think I will be happier on the support team than sales as it is more suited to my talents. It also has a fixed schedule. No weird shifts and coming and going times. No nights and no weekends! I keep my same salary. I'm looking at it as an opportunity. With a set schedule, I can may find another part time job or even return to school to further me along a career path. And certainly have more time to search for a better full time job. Like I said, mixed blessing. I haven't told my mother yet as I don't want her to worry and secondly, they haven't given me a date for it change yet. All I know is it will be some time after inventory, which is the 12th and the 13th. So wish me luck.....

My mother did receive an offer on the old place. She refused it. Can't say I blame her. It was low balled pretty bad. The tax value is $615,000. The old asking price was $550,000. It is currently listed at $395,000. They offered $325,000. So, unless they make a better counter offer, they are out of the running. Thankfully there is still two other potential buyers. One of which just sold their home and hopefully will make an offer shortly, since that is what they were waiting on. So now some more waiting.....

The car ordeal and ensuing expenses threw me for a loop. I was really struggling with things as it were and guess that was the tipping point. I was very depressed for about a week. I didn't go the the gym at all. Partly because I was depressed and just not in the mood, but also driving my sister's Yukon and my mother's Explorer just takes too much freaking gas. Between the 2 vehicles and towing, I've spent $300 bucks.....so much for saving my overtime pay or taking care of anything else I had hoped to do. Like new eyeglasses or tires for the car, much less getting any jewelry out of pawn. Somehow, I'll find away to get a new set of tires, hopefully that doesn't involve my mother. As for the eyeglasses, luckily, Tommy's prescription is perfect for me. I'm hoping at some point maybe I can borrow his, take them to a Lenscrafters, copy the prescription and have them placed in my old frames. It would be cheaper, if they can do that. I'll check into it a little later when all the car crap is out of the way.

At least now my head is cleared somewhat and I'm thinking clearly about what needs to be done. I'm back at the gym again which helps a lot with keeping the cobwebs at bay. Now to just get moving on updating the resume and polishing my interviewing skills.....2013 better be good to me!

How Does That Make You Feel?

My last visit to the shrink, as I had mentioned in an early post was productive. I had mentioned building a new home this year, (thanks to my parents). He had an interesting take on it that I had never considered. The past 18 years that I have lived in this trailer has seen all the upheaval in my life. The place is full of the ghost from my past. Lost jobs, set backs, death of friends and family, major depressive episodes, lose of a car, the end of a 10 year relationship, money woes. This place is a constant reminder of lose and failure to me. They are all here, contained in this flimsy, tin box. There is no escaping them. They are everywhere. I remember visits, and conversations. The happy and the sad times. Everywhere I look in this place is a reminder of my past. It haunts me. There are things I purchased when out with so and so, or were given by so and so. So and so sat here or there on their last visit. It's a gaping wound with no chance of healing. It also reminds me of my self perceived failures. What I had hope to accomplish but didn't. Something that didn't go as well as expected. Another disappointment.

He also pointed out that I had no closure with the death of my friends. Only 2 out of 12 was I able to attend their funerals. Others I learned of after the fact. I never got the chance to say goodbye. The 4 grandparents I lost while living here, there was closure, but friends none. Now with my social support system gone there is no one to share it with. All that is left are my parents who can't possibly understand the bonds between gay friends and lovers. Nor do they really want to. I'm somewhat isolated. He did encourage my blogging as therapy. I had already figured that out for myself. Yet despite of or because of, I still keep going. I've never totally lost my optimism. I still believe that better days are ahead. I agree with him, that moving may help alleviate a lot of my depression and make it more manageable. Different scenery and all. So I plug away at what changes I can, plan for others, and do my best to get through it.

Simon Says

I made it to the doctor's today. Had a shower. Treated myself to dinner away from the house and with real food. The doc said that most likely my medication is no longer as effective as it once was. He was very concerned about the turn of events. He postulated that maybe my grandfather's death had been a catalyst, since I tend to repress things. He told me I need to untrain my parrot, meaning my inner dialogue. He said I need to get out more before it becomes so bad that I won't be able to leave the house at all. He was also worried about besides the ineffectiveness of the medication that maybe some of my problem is my self image as a failure. That the defeatist attitude is also part of the problem. I've gone to this shrink longer than any shrink ever. I have a great rapport with him. I believe that there was a lot of truth in what he said. Now I just need to fight through it till we can find another pill that works better.

That Loud Sucking Sound

Depressions sucks! Here I sit at home instead of the classroom, trying to finish out the semester with a bang. I even exchanged emails with a classmate this morning and said I would see him in class. Yet, I performed my morning rituals of trimming up my stubble in preparation to shave, took the dog out for his business, ate something close to breakfast and walked into the bedroom to undress for a shower when all I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and sleep. So I did. My mood changed from joking and jovial to anxiety and terror of leaving the house. I just couldn't do it. I've needed to carry trash off for over a month now and can't bring my self to do it. I've needed to go to the grocery store for the last 4 days and haven't. I just want to stay home with the dog and the computer. It's safe and comfortable. I've always been a homebody, but this turn of events is starting to concern me. I've noticed other little traits creeping into my daily life as well. Now when I pray at night, I have to say Amen three times or I feel anxious. When I buy candy, I don't need, I have to buy 2 of each type or I feel weird because I didn't. Or fix a sandwich I have to make two of them. When I was admitted to the Vocational Rehabilitation program I had to undergo psychological testing. My IQ was better than average but it showed I have high levels of anxiety. Now I can be merrily rolling along and when confronted with having to leave the house my mood plummets to the point that I can't bring myself to do it. I have already screwed up my life enough. I don't need this, whatever this is to make it worse. I don't worry so much about my financial future, barring any real disaster, my inheritance will more than take care of my golden years, but what about the intervening years? How am I suppose to have any type of fulfilling life if a can't face leaving my own yard? This crap is hard enough to write about, but you should try sitting face to face with someone and hear it come from your own lips. You sound like an idiot or a loser. I've had a pizza and a barbecue plate since Thanksgiving, everything else has been candy or ravioli from a can or PBJ sandwiches. None to good for trying to get in shape again. In fact sad to say, Thanksgiving was the last time I shaved or showered. I stink. I can smell my pits! I get anxious thinking about getting into the shower for God's sake. I hate to self medicate, but I'm considering adding another pill to my usual dosage to see if that helps. I've drank a bottle of wine over the last week to help me get to sleep, a half a glass before bedtime every night. If not I was waking up after 3 hours. I haven't had alcohol since 2000. I honestly don't know what is going on in my head. Something seems to be screwed up. I hate if I burst any one's bubble that I was perfect. Far from it. I guess I hide the flaws and sickness better than some. God, why can't I have a normal life?

Meds

I've been back on my medication now for about a month. I had forgotten how sleepy it makes me. I take it at night before bed, but over in the afternoon, that extended release formula really starts to kick in. For example, Sunday, I went to bed at 12:30am and slept straight through till 10:00am Monday morning, after having a two hour nap that afternoon. I was sleepy all day while helping my father. All I could do was yawn. I use to sleep for seven and a half hours and wake up without an alarm clock. Now I don't even hear it and sleep much longer. I guess its hard to be depressed if you are asleep most to the time. Well, time to go do some stuff for a while. And remember, this blogger is medicated for your convenience.

Teen Webcast Suicide

It's appalling that a 19 year old young man, webcast his suicide. The video streamed for 12 hours, only to stop when the police arrived too late to save him. It was reported by those watching, that while some tried to talk him out of it, others egged him on. A tragic lost to his family, who said he had been dealing with bi polar disorder with medications. His overdose is just a reminder of how sad a state the mental health care is in this country and how serious depression can become. The fact than no one took him seriously until it was too late, shows a sad disconnect to those around us. Granted, he isn't the first to webcast a suicide and I wish it could be the last, but I'm not that naive. The internet is great for reaching out to others, but still common decency and common sense should still prevail. Though it was reported that some didn't take the claim seriously, as he had mentioned it before, any threat of suicide is always a call for help and should be treated as such. Having survived my own attempt at 15, that is one thing I'm truly glad I failed at. I've come to understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Now we need to provide help to those who ask and let them know, that suicide is not the solution. Depression has real life or death consequences.

Hanging On

Today is a weird day. I'm just not in the mood for class, though I know I have some things coming due. This is the bind that depression puts you in. The feeling of being torn between what you know you need to do and the reality you can't face. I was fortunate enough to be accepted by Health Quest for assistance with my medication. They even rushed filling my prescription for me since I had been out for so long. The down side is it takes weeks to build up in your system to become effective. I guess I'll be muddling along till then, fighting the good fight and trying to overcome the effects of moods I can barely control. But all is well and looking brighter by the day. When you reach the end of your rope, you have to tie a knot and hang on.

Depression 101

For anyone who suffers from depression, just let me say, "You are not alone". I have dealt with it most of my adult life. I understand how it is to try to face each day. I wanted to let others know how I felt but talking about it always sounded like whining or just plain stupid. Trust me, the best thing you can do is talk about it to anyone who will listen. You must understand that it isn't your fault. You are not bad person because of it. You are not defective in any way. It is just one of those things that happens to a person for a variety of reasons. Sometime it can be events in your life. Sometimes it may be organic in nature. The only true way to figure it out is talk to your doctor. You have nothing to be ashamed of or lose, and everything to gain.

Some of the most common symptoms are:

• feelings of hopelessness
• lack of joy in things
• withdrawal and isolation
• thoughts of death or suicide
• feelings of worthlessness
• loss or increase in appetite
• change in sleep patterns
• apathy

If several of these symptoms are present to varying degrees and lasting longer than 2 weeks, you should certainly consider a visit to your doctor to discuss it. Depression can rob you of your joy and even your life if untreated. The occasional bad day or even couple of days isn't cause for concern. If these feelings are present, with no obvious outside cause, then please consult a professional.

There are several types of depression. Only a doctor can properly diagnose which is troubling you. Some only require some time and a sympathetic ear. Other types require medications and long term therapy to develop strategies and behaviors to help cope. But there is help. You are not alone.

Use the Force

I need some balance in my life. I remember when I was younger, I worked, hung out with friends, visited my parents, dated, worked out and enjoyed life. Now I spend my days trying to help my parents get their new house in order (my grandparent's old home), going to school, and massive amounts of time on the Internet. I realize some of my problem comes from depression and the isolation it brings. Having lost so many friends over the years, there truly are none left to hang with. I know some of it is the unhealthy dependence I have on my parents while in school and unemployed. The fact that I even admit this is good, but I really need a change. I've gotten fat and lazy. I seem to have just given up on the things that matter to me. That may even be the reason I can't seem to locate my future. I know how I want my life to be; I just can't seem to get everything in sync. Considering my history, getting it all in order isn't going to happen overnight. So I'm trying to set obtainable goals, within a loose timeline.

• working out
• finishing school
• make new friends
• being more domestic
• being around other people
• being involved

It's a small start. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. These are mine.

Been Thinking Again

I 'm trying to figure out what I really, really want to do with the rest of my life. I've talked with therapist and counselors. I try to get ideas. I don't know what criteria one is suppose to use to make decisions that effect the rest of your life. Obviously, I want a career that pays well, that I can be very happy or satisfied with. My main problem is I have such diverse interest. I bore very easy. With my disorder, that will quickly spell disaster. At my age and with my job history, I don't need to keep changing jobs. I would love a job that would let me interact with people on a one to one basis and has some use for my experience in sales. About any job requires a basic knowledge of computers, so I'm covered on that front. I really like helping people. I like sitting down and discussing their needs and how best to meet them. I like being knowledgeable in what I'm doing. I also like being in charge. I don't handle stress very well. It usually leads to a depressive episode after a few months. I like learning and researching. I wish there were a way not to repeat the same mistakes over again, just accepting jobs for an income, but not really something you're interested in. If a job moves to slow or if it becomes too frustrating, it freaks me out too. It throws me all out of whack. I'm great at organizing, writing, instructing and team work. I hope I can figure something out. I can't avoid it by waiting on an inheritance or winning the lottery.

Sadness Part 2 Billion

Everyone has their good days and bad days. For me the bad outnumber the good. It isn't always the rain on my parade, the thorn in my side, or even some horrific injustice. It's depression. I've lived with it, tolerated it, beat it, succumbed to it, and held it at bay for almost 20 years now. At the moment, it is kicking my butt. I don't have a job, nor insurance, and therefore no medication. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and do the absolute minimal to call my existence a life. I have a hard enough time focusing (mild inattentive disorder, recently diagnosed), and getting through the day without killing myself or someone else, or beating the dog, or lashing out at family or strangers. The frustration is overwhelming. Unless a person has ever suffered through it themselves I don't believe one can fully understand the devastating impact it has in your everyday life. Simple household chores, like washing dishes, doing laundry, or mowing the yard seem like climbing Mount Everest. Everything seems to take more effort and just leaves you drained. The rational part of your mind is constantly screaming at you to do something, anything, but all it succeeds in doing is making you angry. Angry at yourself, your life, your predicament. Medication helps take the edge off. It makes me more tolerant of others and myself. It puts me back on an even keel.

In order to find help with my medication, I had to apply for Food Stamps. Health Quest will only help you if you bring a letter from them stating you have applied. Why they require it, I'm not sure. I felt even worse having to go through that process. I have an appointment next week. I hope I can make it that long. I'm certain I can. One suicide attempt was one too many. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Surprising how much he actually helps. (When I'm away from him for more than a few hours I start freaking out and can't wait to get home.) Unless you have firsthand experience of depression, words will never convey the hopelessness, the frustration, the confusion, and worthlessness of it all.