I'm at the point where I take a look at my life and evaluate it. To sum up my findings, it sucks. It is nothing like I dreamt it would be. No where even close. Aside from all the dead friends, the failed college courses, and living in a mobile home way longer than planned, my life is no where near the deeply satisfying, exciting thing I had in mind. While things may be in the pipeline, and that's all well and fine, my social life has been seriously lacking for a decade now. I have developed such a crappy self image, that regardless of how badly I want to go out to do something, anything, I don't want to be seen in my present, bloated, unemployed, loser state. It's just too much to bear. In a way, Facebook has helped. I have reconnected with some old friends that had slipped away. Blogging has helped me form some new friends/acquaintances. But still there is something missing. The real face to face interaction with a real flesh and blood human being. Nothing can replace that. Over the last 10 years, I've isolated myself from people, hoping to heal from all the deaths of friends, forgive and forget wrongdoings by those I loved, trusted or admired, only to find myself still in that pattern, if not deeper in. No one meets my expectations. No one can be the friend to me that I want to be to them. All the other self loathing aspects of my personality, makes these shortcomings seem worse. No wonder I never smile. I have nothing to smile about. There isn't friends calling with invites or knocking on my door to hang out. There isn't enough money to take care of everything I want or need to do. I'm totally lost at how to make friends these days. It seemed so simple when I was younger. I'm embarrassed to have people know where I live and what I drive. I don't want to be seen as the fat middleaged fag I am, yet I crave amorous attention. I haven't been touched by another in over five years. I'm fat, unemployed, trailer park trash with nothing to offer someone. I would like to think it is because our gay culture is so shallow, but honestly, it's just me.
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8 comments:
Hmph. I'm fat, middle-aged, unemployed, reclusive, and my house and yard look so trashy that the neighbors are embarrassed to live close to me. I have forgotten how to make friends in real life, too, though the blog friends are terrific. They just don't live anywhere near me.
Well I'm fat, middle aged, unemployed and live in my mother's basement, which I desperately need to clean. Believe me you are not alone in feeling this is not the life you had planned! I enjoy reading your blog keep it up.
Dave, I'm right there with you on a couple of things. I don't go out much because I feel too old. I don't let people get close because I'm afraid of the hurt that 'might' come if they reject me.
But I've gotten over the self-esteem issues and the 'too high' expectations of what I thought I "should be" doing. Self-esteem is really only an attitude that YOU can change my friend!
So, what are you doing to change some of those things about your life you don't like? If you're doing something be proud of that!
Like being fat, are you exercising daily? Eating better? If so then know that you're in a process of change and things will get better! Be proud of that! Then move on to the next thing you'd like to change.
I'd say; let go of some of your expectations of what you think you should be! You may find out your life isn't so bad after
all.
Here is one blogger buddy that likes you and believes in you!! :-)
If I may, I would like to borrow your post word-for-word. How you summed my own thoughts and feelings!
But I think we are both like folks at one of those "creative craft" sessions. We both need to look around, sense the good in what we do have (of the material and of the spiritual), and create something good and beautiful from it all, something that is unique to our lives. It's kind of an addendum to the old expression "find what you like to do and do it - and hope somebody will pay you for it." You've got a lot going for you, Dave! Even some of the things that you now see as negatives, may end up being the building blocks for that new life that is uniquely, and wonderfully, Ultra Dave!
I realized after 4 years of therapy that you cannot like/love/believe in someone else unless you like/love/believe in yourself first.
I am 55, fat, average looking, employed, not gay. yet most guys will not give me a second glance. asshats don't know what they are missing! I am a fabulous person!
have you thought about volunteering with a cause you care about while you are looking for work? you never know whom you might meet to friend, or job network.
you are at a nadir; and you know it which is more than most people.
You can now become anything you want. Lucky man. I wish you luck as you recreate yourself. good luck.
Dave,
I believe you had a physical scheduled for today? How did everything go?
Regards,
Joe
I'm middle-aged and getting fatter(damn, the Oreo people), but started going to the Y and taking it rather seriously. A journey starts with a step.
Gaydom can be shallow, but so can any group. I wish you well.
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