Spring 2012

Happy Birthday Keith!

Repost from March 19th 2009

Tomorrow would have been my best friend's 47th birthday. He was eight days older than me. We usually celebrated our birthdays together. It's hard to believe he has been gone for 11 years now. At the same time, it seems like a whole other life time ago. I often wonder what he would be like now had he lived. He was doing well in Atlanta with his antique shop. He loved to travel. Always on the go somewhere. Rarely would you catch him at one place for very long. I miss our hanging out together. Most people thought we were a couple, we were together so much. We worked together, partied together, vacationed together, even slept together, but we never crossed the line into sex. We had seen each other at their best and at their worst. We always had each other's backs and stood up for the other no matter what. If we hadn't been friends, I would have never experienced a lot of the things in my life. I've always been grateful for that. Of course as with any type of relationship, there were rough spots occasionally, but we never let it interfere with our friendship. We always forgave and forgot. Other than my most recent ex, some of my fondest memories are with him. Two people who couldn't have been more different but found common ground. Our friendship lasted for 16 years and still continues even after his death. Happy Birthday Keith!

Simple Wishes

At night I listen during daylight I look
Trying to find reason where none exist
Searching for clues though none are left
Something stirs
Something afoot
So close but just out of grasp
Almost palpable
Sometimes it flickers in your eyes
or can be heard in your voice
The undercurrent of our discourse
Amicable and sweet, melancholy and distant
An interesting mix waiting anxiously
Hoping for the anti visceral to be acted upon
For something, for anything, to click, to manifest
For the thing that will transform and propel
Simple wishes to grandiose dreams fulfilled.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Have a safe one y'all!

It Had To Happen

I knew it was coming. I could feel it. I pushed it back as much as possible, but it wouldn't be stopped. I went to my mother's this morning before work to put the lawn mower battery on the charger. I've done it dozens of times with and without my father's supervision. It dawned on me big time he is gone and won't ever be back. I can't ask him questions on how to do something. I can't get his opinion or advice on things anymore. As I looked for an extension cord, I saw all the tools he had used, all the ones he had shown me how to use or that I had used while he watched because he wasn't able to use it himself. I realized that the next time I'm on the tractor, or mow the yard, or mix gas for the weed eater or the chainsaw or plow the garden, those same memories will be there. At first to haunt me about what I have lost then to comfort me that I had it at all. I held it together till I got home. Then it all came flooding out. I hate to cry. I look horrible crying. I feel horrible for crying. But it felt like a welcome relief. I only saw my father cry twice. Both times it broke my heart. If he can cry then so can I. Only I can't stop.

I called in to work today. I just returned to work yesterday after being out for a week with an acute upper respiratory infection. I've used 6 of my 10 vacations days already this year in this month along. I worry about losing my job, but supposedly they understand. I can only hope with the 9 days for bereavement then 7 days for sickness and 2 days for not being able to cope with the sudden change in my life that they truly mean it. That is the last thing I need to burden myself or my mother with at the moment. Hopefully it will all settle down soon.

But right now, at this moment, I can't say it really matters. My father is gone. One of my biggest supporters. I feel lost and so not up to the task of looking out for my mother. And holding a full time job. And taking care of the day to day stuff of ordinary living. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Hopefully the old Dave is still with me. Buried under all the grief and stress of the moment. I hope he re-emerges soon.

4 Mondays Ago

Tomorrow will be the 4th Monday without my father around. It's hard to believe it's been that long. It seems like yesterday I saw Mama holding him in her arms on the back steps. It seems like yesterday that everyone came by their house to see how he was doing. It just doesn't seem like a month has passed. During those 4 weeks, I've hardly cried. I shed tears, sure, but only wept openly once. That was the Saturday I was at Tommy's, three days after the funeral. Even then I was outside away from him. It's not that I don't miss him or didn't love him. Hardly. I just don't want to start and not stop. I know thinking about him being gone will make me think of my mother being gone. Then my grandparents. Then so many friends. I don't want that. I'm trying to be strong for my mother. I visit or call everyday, at least once. I always ask how she is doing, if she needs anything done, or anything I can help her with. All the proper paperwork has been filed. All the titles changed over. All the forms sent off. Everything has been taken care of. Except the grieving, the mourning. Nothing will take care of that but time. Now we make decisions about how to proceed from here. Nothing to be hurried about. More quizzical preponderances that we know will have to be dealt with at some point down the road when things are a bit more settled. It's more like bouncing around ideas and making a mental checklist of things to do later. Things like disposing of his clothes (Tommy will get those. He is the same height as my father. What he doesn't want or can't wear will go to Goodwill.), the truck (sold outright or traded with my mother's vehicle for her a new one at some point.), what to do with all his tools from his building (My brother in law cleared it all out before daddy passed. All of it is in storage, so some other arrangements will have to be made at some point.), as well as figuring out what to do with the tractor and all the attachments (I can still use some to take care of my mother's yard and garden for the time being.) Little things like that need to be settled definitively at some point.
Right now, my mother is coping better than I thought she would. I've been keeping a close eye on her, like my father asked. I've told her to call me regardless of the time or why if she needed to. So far she hasn't. She has managed to keep some of her same routines. People still call or visit and she has been getting out of the house to run errands or tend to task. She is keeping busy. I think she is surprised at how much time she has now. Her sleeping is returning to normal. Her appetite hasn't changed much though her cooking obviously has. She really has been much stronger through all of this than I thought she would be. I guess when you watch someone slowly slip away, it does give you a bit of time to process what is happening, so when it finally does, you aren't as shocked. My sister and her family seem to be doing ok. I think it has a bit harder for them since they didn't interact daily or weekly like my mother and I did. I know the kids are taking it hard. My sister seems on the verge of tears any time something is mentioned concerning our father, but she keeps it together around our mother.
All in all, I guess things are going as normally as they can. It will just take time.