Sunday, July 24, 2011

Inner Space

Reserved. Pensive. Sedate. But maybe I'm just boring, shy and unsure of myself. I have my moments for each. Sometimes all in one day. I would like to think those that have known me for any length of time understand this and see past those less than stellar moments (depression not withstanding). Like everyone else on the planet, I have good days and bad. The good I hope out weights the bad, though I tend to bundle my bad together in stretches of several days. The bad passes and the good return. I consider myself a great person to be around. I'm thoughtful, considerate, humorous, intelligent and respectful, unless I'm protecting myself from getting hurt emotionally. Then I come across as boring and dispassionate. The last thing my ex told me before getting in his car almost 11 years ago, was he spoiled me for other men. I didn't want to believe it or that it was true in any way. Sadly, I believe he was correct. I look at the way I interact with guys I'm interested in. Instead of being the fun loving, open guy I know myself to be, I keep a distance between us. I come across as pensive and aloof. Almost expressionless, rarely smiling or laughing, though that is what I desperately want to do around them. It's always my hope that they will see through this ploy and put forth the effort to get me to trust them, open myself and my heart to them. Of course at the same time I fear becoming an emotional mess if I did. While not a control freak per se, I do rein tight control over myself, my actions, my reactions, my emotions, all not to seem needy or desperate or lonely or maybe even human. Ten years with an unaffectionate alcoholic drug addict will do that to a guy I suppose. Despite myself or maybe because of it, what I really want more than anything, is to be loved unconditionally, without reserve. To be held and comforted for no reason. To feel safe and protected with someone. Therapy through the years lets me know these things about myself. Now maybe others will too. Maybe they know someone like me. Maybe it will help them reach out and see through what is holding themselves back in relationships. Maybe it will help someone find true love. Maybe even someone like me.

1 comment:

Ray's Cowboy said...

Love to see that you are back. Miss you blogging.


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