Happy New Year

Wishing all my loyal readers a
wonderful 2012

New Year Wishes

1. World Peace
2. Get in shape
3. Quit smoking again
4. Get a better paying job with better hours
5. Spend time with parents
6. Win the Lottery Jackpot
7. Find a man
8. Make new friends
   

Year in Review

What a crap filled year this has been. I'm glad it is almost over. Thought I would waltz through all the craptastic events of the year.

• Daddy developed lung cancer
• Daddy was in the hospital twice for pneumonia
• My great Aunt Ona passed
• My Uncle Russell passed
• My Uncle R.B. passed
  
• No offers on my parent's old place
  
• I pawned all my jewelry to just pay bills
• I was moved from Fine Jewelry department to Watches/Accessories
• My transmission will not stay in drive
• My power has been turned off twice
• Tommy has issues
  
• Phillip can't commit to anything apparently
• Jim hasn't taken much initiative in things
• I've only had a few paycheck to break $300
• I scratched my eyeball in my sleep and had to go the the ER
• I need glasses that even with insurance I can't afford
• I had to replace the floor in the bathroom
• I still have a hole in the floor of the bedroom
  
• My toilet still doesn't work properly
• Now there is a leak in the shower
• I'm still broke and single
• I'm still overweight
  

Now a few of the highlights:

• I did get one piece of jewelry out of the pawn shop
• I still have my job
• I still have a place to live
• I still have a car to drive
• Neither of my parents are dead yet
• I'm not dead yet
• I still have my wonderful dog Izzy to come home too
• My health is fine
• I did lose a few pounds over the year
  

2012 had better be nice to me before I snap!

Mourning

This is something I've been wanting to post about for a while now, but given the loss of Tommy's mother back in June and my father's health issues, and I have the time at the moment, I figured I would do it now, rather than later.

I've lost many friends, fifteen to be exact, that I was close to and some not so close. I've lost all four of my grandparents. As well as, 2 Uncles and a great Aunt this year alone. So suffice it to say, I know something about loss and grieving. I realize it is a different process for each individual. I know there are stages to mourning and coming to terms with a loss. I know there isn't a definite time frame for it to subside. All I can speak to is how the process went for me.

There is always the sadness, no matter how close or distant the person was to you, or for how long you may have known them. There is the sense of loss, that there is a place left empty in your life that they once filled. There is the time spent crying even after you think the process has long since ended. There are the flood of memories that seem to keep you on the edge of tears, sometimes for years. There are the times of the year that are associated with certain people. Certain places too. There are words, phrases, movies, commercials, songs, you name it, that will bring back memories and the sadness and that void will resurface. Honestly, I can say it never goes away. Ever. It will fade and become more infrequent as time passes. The profound sadness will slowly be replaced with comfortable melancholy followed by a warm, fuzzy feeling of nostalgia. But it never leaves you completely. Just as their lives ended, you begin to realize the impact they made on yours. The subtle things you remember. Their likes and dislikes, shared jokes, and all those memories you made together will suddenly have become like little life preservers. There when you need them the most in some event that you wish the person was present for and it will somehow seem ok again.

In my experiences, I cried a lot and often but mostly it was a deep feeling of loss. I cried till I had a headache. I cried till I ran out of tears. I cried till I fell asleep. I knew I had lost something special from my life. I had the feelings of anger and regret. The times you wanted to scream at their passing and then laugh uncontrollably at something you recall about a time shared. Mostly I got through it by talking about it to others. Sometimes even myself out loud at home. I wrote about it in a journal. I wrote poems. I didn't keep it in. I expressed it and shared it. In doing so, it helped the loneliness I felt, the bitterness at their departure and the constant reminder of those absences of those that passed. It helped clear the air in a way and certainly my mind. I was strong when needed but allowed myself the privilege of letting go and letting someone else help with the burden. It still took as long as it was going to take. No way that I know to speed that up.

With each death, I learned something new about myself and my relationship with that person. The most valuable lesson was how to live myself. I now take more pictures. Take more time for conversation. Take more time for anything that involves another person I'm close too. I learned how to be unselfish with myself because my friends and family need me, even for something as small as a quick conversation or a major project. I learned all to well you never know when it could be the last time you see them. It could be the last conversation you have with them or the last time you said hello or goodbye. I make more of an effort at maintaining friendships. I let a lot of things slide with friends that maybe I shouldn't, but they will never know. Friendships and family mean that much to me. I go the extra distance if need be. I don't want regrets for something I didn't do or say. (I had a few of those to deal with. ) I want to look back from now on and know I didn't stop living because they are gone. I truly live now after their passing in their honor. I try to make everyday count, no matter how small the scale may be. Everything matters to someone, sometime, somewhere, somehow, whether you are aware of it at that moment, whether you are in the mood for it. I didn't stop living, or put my life on hold to grieve. I carried on and did what I could and never let it stop me. It was just another item on my to do list. So if I can, I make the effort, regardless of my frame of mind or what ever else I may be personally dealing with. My friends and family are just that important to me. Someday that may very will be a defining moment in your friendship and one of your fondest memories when they are gone. Cause even in their passing, they never really leave you.

Christmas Musings

I remember growing up the anticipation leading up to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was a wonderful time to be a kid. I remember not being that shocked or disappointed that there really wasn't a Santa. I recall many gifts from parents and grandparents that I adored. Funny, I don't recall ever being after the latest and greatest toy of season. I was always happy with whatever I got. I'm still that way. Any time someone ask me what I want, I say nothing and I really mean it. I have enough stuff. Enough clothes, of all sizes, enough knick knacks to fill a couple of houses. I don't need any more. I will usually relent when pushed and just say wine and/or money. There never seems to be enough of either of those here. Maybe it's the 22 years in retail and being assaulted earlier every year with Christmas music and decorations in the workplace for 8 hours or more. Maybe it is the over spending I see this time of the year or the horror stories of shopping excursions gone bad. Maybe I'm just jaded and cynical in my middle age. But Christmas seems more of a chore and less joyful than it did in my 30's or before. It is always a hassle to pick the right gift, or find a way to afford something that no one in my family really needs. The last few years I've stopped decorating. It is more trouble than it is worth to me. I have to move Hell and half of Georgia to make room for the tree. I'm rarely home long enough to enjoy it. I don't have company over that would see or appreciate it. And the dog really don't care one way or the other. So why bother? Don't get me wrong, I love the festive lights and the shiny, sparkly ornaments. I'm happy others enjoy it. Yeah, for them. To me it is a paid day off. As far as the religion part goes, I don't buy into it wholeheartedly. It seems all the shopping and decorating and overspending has really upsurped the supposed meaning of the holiday. I'd rather hang with family and friends on this day, with the twinkling lights, good food and drinks and just enjoy the company. I like it more for that, than a fairytale birth. I partake begrudgingly with the family because they are all about that stuff. And I would never hear the end of it if I missed it. I sit and watch, oh and awe appropriately and count the minutes till I can gracefully leave. This year at work I went all season and didn't wish a single customer Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. If they wished it upon me, I responded back with a simple, "you too!" and left it at that. When I move into a larger house, whenever that may be, I will put up a tree and lights because I enjoy that part of it. I will entertain friends with seasonal music, twinkling lights and good alcoholic beverages. I will still buy gifts for family because it is expected. But I don't have to go hog wild about. I'll reflect quietly to myself and wonder why I can't keep the decorations up year round and start thinking about the New Year.

Shopping!

I do love to shop and I really enjoy a bargain! I purchased $417 worth of gifts for a mere $146.84 after sales, coupons and my employee discount, tax included. It was a struggle to come up with the money, but doing it a little along the way helped. I'm tickled with the end result and glad it is over with. The only thing I asked for this Christmas was cash. I hope I get enough to get at least a couple of pieces of jewelry out of the pawn shop. That will help my money go a little farther if I'm not paying them every month. I'm hoping next year is better fiscally than this year has been.

Tonight

Quiet wraps me like a tight hug.
In the still and the dark,
my thoughts are of you.
Memories cover me
like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
A content smile upon my lips.
I drift off to sleep,
wishing of dreams of you.
Hoping you will dream of me too.

Wishing all my loyal readers a wonderful and safe holiday season!

I Didn't

I didn’t want to see you naked. I wanted to admire your masculine beauty.

I didn’t want to have sex with you. I wanted to make love to you.

I didn't want to intrude upon your life. I wanted to take care of you.

I didn’t expect to bond so deeply with someone, but I did.

I didn’t expect you to fulfill my every need, but you were a friend.

I didn’t expect to miss you so much, but I do.

I didn’t expect to ache at the loss, but knowing it doesn’t effect you the same, makes my soul scream.

I don’t suspect it will subside any time soon but I soldier on in hopes it does.

Joy To The World

Amazing how the heart strings can be plucked from time to time, to remind us of what is real and human. Seems that Christmas brings it to the surface for me more than any other holiday. Maybe it is a song, a commercial or a plea for a charitable donation. Whether it is the music, the sentiment or the imagery used, it brings a tear to the eye, a lump to the throat and a swelling to the heart. After these events you just want the world to find peace and the down trodden to find comfort. You wanna hug someone. You want to believe the world can be a better place. You want to spread love and good cheer where ever you go. Wouldn't it be nice to feel like that every moment of every day?

Bah Hum Bug

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. There are too many things weighting me down I guess to give into commercial frivolity and consumerism. Concerns about my parents and money are the tops of the list. Macy's really fucked up my budget for the month with their Thanksgiving/Black Friday bullshit. I hate worrying week after week, month after month, about gas to get to work or how to pay some bill or if I'll be able to get my jewelry out of the pawn shop or whatever else pops up. My normal happy go lucky disposition has been replaced with cynicism and a chronic case of I just don't give a shit any more. Sadly I don't see this ending before the year is out. Now Christmas is upon us and I need to spend even a few dollars on gifts for people that really don't need a damn thing just to not feel bad myself and not guilty for receiving anything they give me. What a crock! I had planned to do Christmas cards this year, but can't afford that either. I honestly had more money when I was unemployed. I've only seen 1 or 2 checks this year over $300 after taxes and deductions. If there is one wish I have for Christmas this year, it would be to win the lottery. I know I should be wishing for my father's health to improve but even if it did, money would still be an issue. At least he would pass knowing my bills are paid and I have a roof over my head and I could take care of my mother regardless of what happens. Maybe along with becoming cynical, I've become pragmatic as well. If next year is this bad money wise, I'm gonna start selling drugs and take my chances.

Finally

Jim and I spent the night together at his place last night. I've been wanting to do that since I met him October 2! He is very sweet. Very good in bed too! I enjoyed myself immensely. So did he. We kissed and cuddled and...well, you get the idea. Since it was the first time together, we didn't go "all the way". I have to have deep feelings for someone before I go there. While, I am very fond of him, and do enjoy his company, I'm not ready for that just yet. It was so nice to spoon and wake up next to someone. Hope there are more opportunities in the near future. Of course with the holidays and the crazy hours at Macy's and taking care of things for the parents, I never know. I'll just play it by ear.