Just Thinking

I want to write, but don't know what to say. I also have that problem when emailing Jeff. I try to make it relevant to something current, just to hide my interest. I think it's working. He is still very kind in his responses. They're never short or curt, but polite and thoughtful. I have now ran into him twice since the first of the year. Each time, he has been friendly, kind and considerate. He has even hugged me. Once, he initiated it, the other I can't recall clearly enough to say for certain. I need to find another moniker for him, "crush" no longer seems to fit. He will usually respond to most emails, a few he hasn't but they didn't really seem to require it. They were mostly meant to inform him of something. He only posted a birthday wish on my wall. Sometimes I feel like a dirty little secret. In public it just feels different than how he comes across in his emails. Course he is a Gemini, so was a previous ex, so maybe that has something to do with it. If he is with friends, they seem to stare at me. Maybe I'm paranoid. I feel like I'm intruding or being judged by them. Of course, I wish it was because I was so breathtakingly fabulous, they wish it were them I was talking to or hugging instead of him. I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't feel the urgency any more. There is still a certain warmth but not to the extent I first felt when I blogged about it. I try not to spend too much time on it. Whatever will be, will be.