Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Freeing Yourself

Well, after a chat with the doctor on some test results, I've learned a have a defective personality. Sadly, I do agree with the findings. Somewhere from when the above picture was taken till now, I've become cynical and slightly warped. Some of it is fixable, some I'll just have to learn new coping mechanisms. Overall, I see it as a continuation of patterns seen throughout my adult life. Now they are just firmly entrenched. It will require much effort from me and a lot of support from family and a few friends I have to make the changes required.

I have often considered myself a huge failure, both socially and career-wise. Financially a disaster. I'm aware of the problems and behaviors that cause them. I also know that on the inside I'm not nearly as confident or self assured as I would like to be. That's gonna take some serious work to correct. Socially, I am currently trying to do more with other people. I fight it tooth and nail, though I know it is what I need more than anything. The worse part is when people make small talk, ask about where you work or live. I cringe inside because those are two of my sensitive spots and where my biggest failures lie. Maybe that's why I never ask those questions myself when I meet people.

My self-worth is in the toilet. Moving from this trailer park and into a real home will booster that greatly, but still a ways off. Still, afterward, because of my parents assistance and the land from my grandparents, it will never feel like a true accomplishment I achieved. Something I will have to work on as well. Losing the 13 pounds has already made me feel slightly better about myself, but there is still more weight to be lost. Only then will I feel truly good about my looks again. I will have to retrain that inner voice that constantly tells me I'm not worthy of love or respect or that everyone else is better than me, despite what I preach to others that feel the same. That will be a true break through if it ever happens.

Then there is the whole unemployed, being keep up by your parents, failing at school, sloppy house keeping, and myriad other issues to face and deal with. It ain't gonna be pretty. My life has seemingly been neatly packaged into chapters for me. This is merely the next one. I've always tried to be the best I could be, but felt I fell way short of such noble callings. Here is another chance, another attempt to get it right. I may succeed or I may fail yet again or land somewhere in the middle. The object is to continue to move forward, however painful or slow a process it may be. So gentle readers, buckle up, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.


Ray's Cowboy said...

Dave I have faith in you. I think yo have done a reall good jobn your house. Your family must think you are good and everything, or why would they keep hanging around with you. Just believe in yourself as allot of us believe in you.
Remeber one thing God does not make junk.

witomski said...

Dave...Your starting point should be reflecting on those aspects of your life that are positive...in other words, count your blessings and make that your foundation from which to build. I refuse to believe that your life is a failure...Joe

Ultra Dave said...

Thanks Guys!

Lemuel said...

First, if it is any consolation, I know that my own journey of life has been from one of innocence, hope, and optimism gradually to one of cynicsm. I wonder if it is not just a part of the natural process of aging and maturing. The more we see of the world the more we adjust to its realities.

That having been said, I think you have a lot going for you. Certainly I would encourage you to strive for your goals and for self-improvement. But I think that there is a danger here for all of us: that we judge and measure ourselves by external standards set by others that may or may not be appropriate for us. Each of us is unique. We all yearn for acceptance by others, but we need to come to peace with what and with whom we are and to measure our own success by what we are. By all means, Dave, strive to be better! But do not consider yourself a failure because you do not have the job that others have or because you do not live in a home like others have or because you do not have the physique that others have. You are a very talented and gifted man, Dave! The evidence is apparent through your blog. Celebrate that talent and those gifts. Enhance them. Move toward that "Ultra Dave" that you truly are! HUGS!

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