Monday, July 13, 2009

Str8 Panic Defense

I'm a little peeved at the acquittal of a man who stabbed a neighbor to death over a supposedly sexual advance. Sixty one times he stabbed him. A bit excessive for panic, even if you are drunk. I've often wondered why we never hear of a Straight Panic Defense. Mostly because gays aren't by nature physically aggressive, but maybe because it doesn't exist, like gay panic shouldn't.
Here's my take on it.

Defendant: "Your honor, I had no choice but to kill him. I claim Straight Panic Defense for my actions. Had I not felt threaten by him I would not have had to defend myself."

Judge: "Just how did the deceased make you feel threaten?"

Defendant: "Well, your honor, it started innocent enough. I was invited to a Superbowl party. Things where great. Laughing, cheering, beer. Then slowly, he started asking me about my favorite player and recounting team stats. Then, he wanted a fist bump, so I went along with it, all the while I was trying not to be afraid of him. During half time, we stood up to stretch our legs and get more beer. That's when it happened." (sobbing now).

Judge: "I know it is difficult, but what exactly happened then?"

Defendant: "He.....he.....he tried to chest bump me! I was terrified. He may have gone for a bear hug next, or a huddle or an ass slap! I couldn't take it. My nerves were on end! I snapped! I felt he was trying to make straight! I grabbed the butcher knife from the block and stabbed blindly through my tears and fears. "(sobbing, shoulders shaking)

"Only later did I realize what I had done. He had it coming. It was honest self defense your honor. My gayness was at stake. If my friends had found out, I would have had my gay card revoke! I would no longer be allowed to twirl on the dance floor to fabulous DJ's. I would have to hang sheets over the windows instead of drapes and wear camouflage! I would have to shop at discount outlets, drive a minivan and vacation at family resorts! I couldn't let that happen. I had to defend myself! Just had to!"

Judge: "Case dismissed. That is clearly Str8 Panic."


Ray's Cowboy said...

I remember a case in Dallas. The judge said they deserved to be killed because they were gay. The guys got offalmost without a hand slap. I fully understand

Ur-spo said...

there is no straight panic disorder

Lemuel said...

Again and again, I shake my head in disbelief over straight guys who feel so "paniced" in the presence of gays. thank you for your humorous look at the absurdity of the panic defence.

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