Catching Up

Here is some of the things going on with me.....

Two days before Christmas, the timing belt on my car decided to break on my way home after working a 10 hour day. Thankfully, I was only about a mile from home. A tow truck was called and delivered the car to a repair shop. Of course, they were closed the entire week of Christmas up to January 2nd. So it was towed to another local shop that opened the Wednesday after Christmas. It is uncertain if the pistons were warped or not when it broke. So now, once that is replaced and the engine back together, they will be checked to see if they were damaged and need to be repaired. I've been driving my mother's car and my sister's, which I picked up on Christmas day and drove back. Alternating back and forth if my mother doesn't need to go anywhere. So far, the big Yukon of my sister's has cost me $85 in gas for about 4 days of driving. My mother's has cost me $35 and I had filled my car up with $37 in gas, plus the two towing charges of $100. Guess where my overtime earnings went?

Also on Christmas day, I left early from my sister's since I had to be at work at 645 am for the first of 3 more 10 hour days at work. My mother fell down the basement stairs, missing the last 6 steps and landing hard on her right shoulder. She is bruised and in an arm sling for a separated shoulder bone. Thankfully, nothing is broken, but the bruises are almost neon yellow they are so bad. She hit the corner of the stairs pretty bad. A few inches higher she would have broken a rib or two, a couple lower, she would have broken her hip. She has been in some pain with the shoulder and tries to rest as much as possible. Nothing but time will heal that.

Obviously, I didn't make it to the Midnight Mass with Tommy after my car died. I hated to miss it but just couldn't make it without transportation. Maybe next year. I did go to the service with my mother after getting up at 330 am to go to the gym and working a 10 hour day. Somehow, I managed to stay awake through the hour and half service without falling asleep.

My favorite cousin lost her husband Wednesday night to lung cancer. After surgery and chemo treatments, he was released into Hospice care Monday. She is handling it well so far. I'm sure it will sink in after a few days. I remember their wedding as a youngster. It was the first I ever attended. Funeral arrangements haven't been made yet. I hope I can make it depending on my schedule at work.

Since September, I've been without running water at home. The leak I had was bad enough to run the water bill up over $400. Even with me turning the water on and off as needed, it was just too high to pay. I haven't told my mother, nor will I anytime soon, especially with the car repair looming and her property taxes due. The side benefit of  joining the gym is showers and toilets. Other times, a friend of mine since middle school, that is local, has given me the key to his house to use whenever I need to. Bless his heart. He has no idea how much that helps. I fill gallon jugs for water for Izzy to drink. I do laundry at my mother's when  I get the chance. I fibbed and told her my washer wasn't working. I bring the damp clothes home to dry as to not run her power bill up. It's more of an inconvenience than anything. It requires planning but manageable.

I had planned on using my overtime to finally get my jewelry out of the pawn shop. Guess that isn't gonna happen......

So now y'all up to speed......

Big Wheels

My mother and I took my father's truck to a local independent dealer this afternoon. I had already looked up the value on Kelly's Blue Book just to get a ballpark figure. It went smoothly and my mother had a connection with the owner. She had taken care of his mother in law when she worked at Hospice. I was concerned that a V-8 gas guzzler that is 6 years old would be hard to get rid of, I think she received a fair price for the truck. More importantly she believes she did.  Overall, for something both of us had dreaded, it was pleasant and quickly over. So one more item off the to-do list.

The small house my grandmother left my father should be wrapping up in another couple of weeks. Just waiting on the lawyer to finalize all the paperwork before the money can be dispersed. She is looking forward to that.

The current listing agent's contract for my parent's  old place is up at the end of the month. She already has a new one lined up to replace him. Hopefully, this one will actually do something to get it sold quickly.

Things are moving forward, albeit, at a snail's pace. But still moving. Now if I can find a better job.....

Daddy Update

I got a phone call this morning from my mother about 7:20 am. My father had fell outside on the steps and she thought he was dying. I rushed over, running stoplights and breaking speed limits in the process. I found her holding his head in her lap on the back steps. He was unresponsive, gasping for breath. We managed to get him moved back into the house and laid on the floor. I held him while my mother got the blood pressure cuff. His breathing turned rapid and shallow. I asked her to turn on the overhead light so I could see if his pupils would react. They did. I found his pulse to be slow but strong. His skin was very pale. He was bleeding from a really bad 5 inch scrap on his arm and elbow. I called Hospice and had someone come out. My mother called 911 to help us get him off the floor and into the bed. I was afraid I would hurt him if I manhandled him myself. After about 40 minutes, he regained consciousness. He was talking, albeit, very lowly. He recalled what happened and where he was. Shortly after, 3 EMT's showed up and moved him to the bed. (One was very handsome!) Another rescue unit showed up to transport him if needed, though I had already told the dispatcher it wasn't necessary since he was under Hospice care and a DNR. An hour after all this started, the nurse showed up and made her assessment. My sister arrived from Salisbury, 60 miles away (she was told he was dead). My Aunt and Uncle showed up upon hearing from other relatives that Fire and Rescue was at he house. Same for the Deacon and his wife hearing of it the same way. They also passed it along to minster for the rest of the congregation. I came home briefly to let the dog out and returned since my sister was there and my father was lucid once again. My brother in law and 2 nephews are en route. My niece is away at a dance competition. I will go back this evening for a few hours.

My mother was asking for feedback and suggestions about the funeral arrangements when things calmed down. All things being as they are, it appears that it will be needed soon. The final grains of sand are falling. There aren't many left...

Tizzies & Such

I'm in a tizzy over all that is going on right now around here. I'm worried about my father and my mother. I wonder what will happen to my mother when my father is gone? I'm concerned that my mother may not live long after he is gone. They have really never been apart much in their 55 year marriage. Hospice will be helping once he is released. That will a great relief on my mother I'm sure. It also means nothing more can be done but make him comfortable. I've requested the forms be sent for Intermittent Family Leave. I figured that way I can be there when they need me, whenever they need me, without jeopardizing my job. I'm concerned about the old place selling. I would like for my father to see it sold before he passes, but in this economy, I'm not sure that will happen. I would also like for him to know that I have a house of my own, of course, that depends on the latter. I worry that none of this will be done before both are gone and I will have to deal with my sister in these issues.

On other notes, Jim and I are still in touch, not as frequently but with things going on with me and him helping look after a friend that had back surgery there isn't much time. I think the interest is still there. I'm looking forward to a third date and maybe a little more. Phillip is totally out of the picture. He hasn't responded to the last text or emails and had unfriended me on Facebook. Guess that means he isn't interested. Fine by me. He was too flaky for me. Tommy has reached out and communicated. I'm not ready to hang out with him again, but it was a bit of a relief to have him to talk to about my father since he went through the same thing with his mother in June of this year. I'm playing it by ear with all of them. I have other things going on now. If it works out with Jim great. If Tommy and I can be friends great. If nothing more comes of either Jim or Tommy, I'm cool with that too. I've come to learn that it is more their loss than mine. I bring a lot to the table. What to they bring?

Meh...

Nothing has really changed around here lately. My father is still on the continually slow decline health wise. My parents have managed to get to the lake house twice this year so far. I'm glad about that. Who knows when will be the last time they get to enjoy it together. I'm still battling the bulge. In fact, I've actually gained about 10 pounds. I attribute it to stress and lack of selection while at work. Tommy is still looking for work. I do wish something would come along for him. On the romantic front it ain't gonna happen I'm afraid. I'm disappointed, but what can you do? They either like you that way or they don't. Apparently he don't. My wonderful Izzy is still wonderful and a great reason to be home. I can't imagine my life with the pooch. Jessica and I have had drinks a couple of times after work. I stay for one, though if it wasn't already a long day, I'd love to have more! Work is work and a paycheck. Nothing to get excited about. I keep applying for jobs when I find something that interest me. So far nothing. I'm playing the lottery, cause you can't win if you don't play. No one has invited me to any parties this year so far. I have been to the naked pool a few times this summer, but it's losing it's appeal. It's just so far to drive. My parents place is still on the market. Only a couple of half ass offers that they haven't even seriously considered. I hope it sells soon, but doubt it will. My mother is holding up pretty well. No more mentions of Hospice. They go to the doctor next week, so we will see how it goes. I guess I'm stuck in a rut, as usual. Bored out of my mind. Still lonely to some degree. Basically, I decided I'm not gonna give a shit anymore. Somebody wants me, they are gonna have to put forth a tremendous effort. And life goes on.....

Goodbyes and the Inevitable

This has been a rough week around the Ultra household. My great aunt passed away yesterday morning after being moved to Hospice Tuesday from an assisted living facility. I have posted about her earlier and the way her family treats her. Not saying she wasn't a handful herself, but she, anybody, deserves better. She had a rough life all the way around. An alcoholic husband. Living in a rented house, by the kindness of family friends for only $40 a month. No retirement of her own except social security and money from the Army from her oldest son that died in Vietiam. She had lost the ability to take care of herself. She couldn't half see, bathe, cook, clean or walk without support. I'm sad she had it so rough, but in all honesty, she wanted everyone to take care of her. For most of her life she had her wish. I spoke with my mother briefly this morning to find out about services and such. I neglected to ask if her son, daughter in law or her two grandsons were present when she passed. I have a feeling she died alone. So sad.

Also, Tommy's mother is in very bad shape suddenly. She is 85 years old, but until the last couple of weeks, seemed to have few problems health wise. When Tommy visited 2 weeks ago (like he does every week), she mentioned some lumps on her back that had suddenly appeared, as well as being very weak, tired and no appetite. Last week he took her to the doctor to have them removed and biopsied (he had one sister die of breast cancer last year) and a general check up. Turns out they are a form of aggressive cancer. He said there were about 5 or 6 of varying sizes. ***It has turned out to be far worse than expected. Hospice has been called in and he has taken a leave from work to be by her side.***

I want to comfort him in some way. I just don't know how or what to say. I haven't lost a parent, while he has already lost his father years ago. I have experienced many losses but none as close as a parent. The sadness emanating from him is overwhelming. I wrote the last two entries with him in mind. I've thought of passing copies to him, but not sure how they will be received. I just want to hug him till everything is all better. I wish it were that simple.

My father went for his check up today. His lung capacity is down to 15% now. He is constantly on oxygen. A new medicine, some inflatable jacket thing that suppose to help him breathe, his adjustable bed and lord knows what else. My mother ordered a wheelchair to help get him to and from doctor's appointments. (Since the first of the year, between the two of them, they have had over 100.) She has also requested my schedule to set up appointments so I can be there to help get him to and from the doctors on my days off. She just can't do it on her own any more. He talks a lot about things he wants to get done before he is gone. What he hopes for after he is gone. In between gasping and coughing when he takes the oxygen tube off. It breaks my heart, but I know it is coming. He knows it's coming. My mother knows it's coming. I'll be strong for my mother, some how.

I know that this happens day in and day out all over the world to people and their families in varying degrees. I always knew that my parents would never live forever either. Nobody does. I always expected my father to die in his sleep from a heart attack, not cancer or emphysema. (the latter appears to be doing him in more so than the cancer at this point.) I don't think my sister truly understands the gravity of their health issues. Nor the stress it puts on me. It doesn't matter though. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure neither has to go to an assisted living center or that they die with strangers or worse alone. Not as long as I, myself am breathing.

The Angel Tree

About 3 years ago or so, when I was a bit more involved with Hospice, I had the honor of attending their Angel Tree in the local mall. At first, I thought it may be a bit boring, but it actually turned out to be quite exciting. I sat quietly behind the table they had set up, the large tree at one end. I had a book that people could sign the names of their departed loved ones in that would be read aloud on Christmas Eve at a special ceremony at Hospice. We offered round ceramic plaques for $5.00 that you could hang on our tree or your own at home. All the money went to support services at Hospice. People would come over to the table to inquire, setting down all their packages and bags. It didn't take much for them to tell their story of their loved one and how much Hospice had meant to them and their family before they finally passed. Some would get teary eyed, others had an angelic smile as they recounted the story. The hours I sat their were probably the best I've ever spent in a mall. When my shift was over, I hated to leave. I looked forward to getting back as quickly as I could. It was a beautiful experience, one I'll never forget. It changes you for the better. It touches parts of your psyche that normal life experiences fail to do. It awakes appreciation for life, for people who do more than required of them for others. It makes you compassionate and empathetic. It's a spiritual experience. If you ever have the opportunity to help with any Hospice event, avail yourself to it. It will do you a world of good. It has me and my family.

Moments With Baxter

This had tears streaming down my cheeks.

World AIDS Day

Today is the 20th World AIDS Day. A time of remembrance and hope. Those that have passed and left an empty place in our lives, should be celebrated for their contribution to enriching it. Those that are currently living with AIDS, should be embraced and given our unending commitment to a cure. Having lost 10 close friends to this dreaded disease, I can attest to the ravages against once stellar human beings who lived courageously and fought to the bitter end. My life has been tragically altered by the lost of so many dear friends. Not a day goes by that I don't miss them and wish they were still here sharing in my journey, and me theirs. I have not given up hope that a cure or vaccine will be found. I volunteer my time whenever Hospice has an AIDS patient in it's care to do what I can to make their last moments here a little better, a little more comfortable. You would be amazed at how many die alone, because their family, friends, co workers and neighbors turn their backs on them when they learn of the diagnoses. No one should have to die alone.

Hospice Memorial

My mother and I went to the Hospice Memorial this afternoon. It honors all those who have passed during the year. My mother cried a little. Surprisingly, I didn't. It was thankfully brief, but a pleasant thing to do to ease the loss. We all sang ''Shall we gather at the river". That was a nice touch. The Chaplin for Hospice spoke and said a prayer.Then we all recited the Lord's Prayer together. I was happy I remembered all the words. They called out the names of the deceased and lite candles for each one. The refreshments were a little sparse, but not bad. It reminded me of when I accompanied my mother to a cancer survivors service at the Presbyterian Hospital many years ago. Overall, it was a somber experience. It reminded me of just how many people in my life they have taken care of in their final moments on this earth. So far 6, and sadly there will be more I'm sure. Hospice is a great organization. I'm proud my parents are so involved with them.

Hospice

I woke up early this morning again. I guess my medication is finally kicking in. I seem to be getting back to my normal sleep pattern. I love Sundays. Everything is so peaceful and quiet around here.

This afternoon at 3pm, Hospice is holding a group memorial service for all those that passed this year. My mother ask me to go with her. She is still having a rough time about losing her father in July. I still cry myself occasionally, but I think I'm coping a bit better with the grief. I've lost so many people in my life, maybe I'm getting use to it, if that's possible.

My parents went to the Hospice auction this past week. They are huge supporters. My mother actually retired from Hospice. I use to volunteer, but haven't in a while. It's a great organization. Yesterday when I saw my mother, her arm was terribly bruised. It looked horrible. Seems she fell over something at the auction. I asked was she okay. She said, "Yeah, I'm getting use to falling." She was on some sort of medication that made her wobbly. I think she has since stopped it. She even had the tile guy redo parts of the kitchen floor because she was afraid she would trip and break a bone. That is something I worry about. That's what started it all with my Grandfather; a broken hip. He didn't last but 6 months after that. I don't want that to happen to my parents.

Maybe going will help my Mother with some of her grief.