Waiting to Exhale

My father has been a smoker all his adult life. He has worked in less than healthy environments as well. His father developed Emphysema and died of it complications. My father developed asthma about three years ago for which he takes medications regularly to control. Over the last year his weight has plummeted from a robust 210 pounds to 160 pounds. It doesn't look good on a 6'3" frame. His yearly X-ray during his physical revealed a spot on one of his lungs. A follow up CAT scan last week revealed there is two. Tuesday he goes for a PET scan. He is worried sick about it. So is the entire family. I hope it turns out to be nothing, but I know everyone is thinking cancer, we just aren't saying it. I hope the test prove us wrong.

Food For Thought

Remember the old saying,
"An apple a day, keeps the doctor away."?

Well, it works. I haven't met a doctor yet!

Thursday Tease

The end is in sight!

(And what a sight it is!)

In Your Eyes

You caught my eye as I walked in.

The twinkle of knowing, behind the smile.

Aware and now somehow vulnerable.

You glanced my way

to see if I was glancing yours.

A spark was struck.

A passion ignited,

all in a second.

The promise behind those eyes,

too enticing to ignore.

The hope that sprang from the second glance

and the third.

The flirting without sound or movement.

Your eyes said it all.

I was listening.

Wednesday Tease

Chains of Love!

Thanks!

Thanks to all my readers who visit often.

I love reading your comments.

You make blogging worthwhile!

Historic Meeting Set

In just a few hours, the meeting of two great

minds will take place. Details to follow.

Update!

Java and I met at one of my favorite restaurants. She treated me not only to a delightful meal but wonderful company as well. We chatted up a storm, literally, laughed and carried on like old friends. She is an amazing woman! How she manages everything in her life with the grace she does is beyond me. I look forward to more of our chats in the future. We would also like to extend an invitation to other local bloggers to join us on our next sojourn from blog land to the real world.

P.S. There was also a very handsome employee there, that compels me to become a frequent diner at that location!

Tuesday Tease

Weighting In

Well, since July 2, I have dropped 17 pounds! I can see my toes! After hoovering around the 220 mark for a year or so, from an all time high of 252 pounds, that makes a grand total of 47 pounds! After my massive weight gain, I'm now within sprinting distance of 175, when I had pecs and abs! Yee Haw!

Friday Tease

Here's Your Sign

SLOW DOWN!

More Than A Pretty Face

Damn!

Thursday Tease

Here's Your Sign

I hate it when that happens.

Morning Giggle

Wednesday Tease

Thinking of you!

Forward Movement

Well, I got up early to help cut some more trees! We made a great deal of progress today. Only a few more and we can start construction on my father's new shop/junk building. It was hot today. Why he didn't want to do it last week while the temperatures and humidity was lower is lost on me. Hopefully by Friday, we will be done.

We also measured for replacement windows for the house. Once again, why they waited till now is beyond me. That would have been the first thing I would have had done. My parents are certainly bass ackwards.

Even with all the head way we have made over there, I wonder if we will ever be done! In another 2 weeks, it will have been a year since this all started. At least the list is shorter now.

Sport's Oops

Go Team Spandex!

World of Wonder

How many accidents has this caused?

Tuesday Tease

Speechless.

Here's Your Sign

A Pretty Face

Morning Giggle

It can't be Tuesday!

Cartoon

Monday Tease

I couldn't just leave him lying there.

Garden Envy

How does your garden grow?

What Frozen Treat Are You?

You Are a Snow Cone

You are lighthearted, playful, and optimistic about the world. You're always having fun, and you're not the type to turn down anything sweet. People might be surprised to know that you're very sensitive. Even though you put on a brave face, your feelings are easily wounded.

What Frozen Treat Are You?

Saturday Tease

Time for that Saturday bath,

whether you need it or not!

More Than A Pretty Face

World Of Wonder

Love Bugs

My So-Called Life

Ho hum. My money is officially in the red, not completely broke yet, but so close it already hurts to think about it. I have read and reread the doctor's report from my testing. In one sentence he states I have Inattentive Disorder, in the next I don't. Past history indicates otherwise regardless of his interpretation of the results. I'm gonna set up an appointment with him and take my mother so he can explain it to both of us.

I'm worried about school. I can't afford to keep losing interest or freaking out and not finishing the course. I honestly don't think I can work and attend school. My mind is not wired that way. I can do one thing and one thing only it seems at a time. I hate to give up on school, but if worse comes to worse, I will. It won't be the first time I failed at something. I often wonder why I ever bother to try. I'll take some other dead end, unsatisfying job till I grow bored or get fired and start the pattern over yet again.

Of course all this news has perturbed my mother, which in turn causes me great stress, that I don't need or handle very well. She thinks I should sit in the trailer and do absolutely nothing that cost money. That is half my problem, yet she fails to realize it. Could I have saved more? Sure. Who couldn't? But is it really living to deprive yourself of every little joy for the sake of a few bucks? I think not. Yet another source of stress with my parents. Always money. They hoard till it hurts then only spend if it's an investment with tangible benefits. I spend and enjoy cause we ain't promised anything in life. I can't wait to win the lottery!

My health has improved somewhat. From the high weight of 252 two years ago to stalling around 220-210 for the last year, it has now moved to 208! A grand loss of 44 pounds! Of course with tight funds, I will have to give up my Lean Cuisines in favor of cheaper, unhealthier fair. My sinuses have finally stopped draining constantly, therefore the persistent cough is clearing up. My stomach is somewhat back to normal, though my change in diet has also effected it to some small degree. Having spent money to go out and be around people some the last 3 weeks definitely helped lift my spirits. That will most likely be short lived as well with the budget now stretched thin. I still don't regret any of it though. Everything I spent was worth the mental boost and nice feelings it still provides. Mother can just get over it.

Thank Goodness I'm Ultra Dave, mere mortals couldn't stand the stress of my existence. At times, I barely can.

Thursday Tease

Looking forward to the weekend!

Dead Man Walking

Today brought an unexpected visitor to my door, a friend, I thought quite honestly was dead. It was good to see I was mistaken but also a lot of unpleasant memories surfaced after he had left. I realize that he has been through a lot in the last two years. I understand and respect that. I know he was unable to make good on the arrangements to repay me because of them. I also noticed that he is still manipulative and self serving despite his near brush with death. He hasn't changed a bit. I ,sadly, found myself thinking how easier my life was when he wasn't around and I thought he was dead. Now the opportunity presents itself to pick up where we left off or let it drift away.

The back story is this. In 2006, we befriended each other. He even said he could be my best friend. I took him at his word. I learned he was in dire need of a lung transplant. Toward the end of 2007, it happened unexpectedly. He was in the hospital for all of 2008 for recovery, rehabilitation, other surgeries and infections. Well over $1,000,000 worth of medical bills paid by Medicare. By the way, as a side note, he is only 41, has a son that doesn't live with him and is straight.

Needless to say, with all that was going on, our contact tapered off to zilch. Before all of this happened, I would do things to help him out. I put the car and insurance in my name, though he doesn't have a valid driver's license. I gave him a line on my phone account. I would take him 3 hours up the interstate to the doctors he used at Duke hospital. I took him to file for Medicare, to see his brother in South Carolina (manipulated), hauled him to the grocery store, the barber shop (manipulated), etc. Occasionally we would do something fun, like a movie, but not often. Most of it centered around being manipulated into taking care of stuff for him. If he had asked me upfront to do so, I would have planned accordingly and gladly done so. But don't tell me one thing and when I get there change it to something else, knowing after I hear you wheeze, cough and gasp for air, I can't say no.

When he first went into the hospital, a female friend sent me one check for what he owed me from 2 months back. That was it. The last phone bill, his half was $285. I lost service because of it. I couldn't pay it. I paid on the car insurance for another 6 months because I knew he needed to get to the doctor and back. Finally, I transferred the car back to him and cancelled the insurance after not hearing from him for 6 months.

He shows up, out of the blue today, wanting to resume our friendship. I feel used and manipulated. I honestly don't want to be around him. I'm glad he survived the double lung transplant, the heart operation, and all the infections, but I don't like the feeling of being used. One of the first things he mentioned was repaying me. He invited me to his house to watch a movie tonight. He also wants us to go to pride together next week. It all sounds great. A straight best friend. But I've been burned too much in the past, not just with him. I think knowing he ain't dead is enough for me.

Am I being an asshole?

P.S Also, he once again asked about insurance and retitling his car in my name while he works on getting his license. (BTW, I'm not going to his house tonight.)

Wednesday Tease

One reason I love summer!

Freeing Yourself

Well, after a chat with the doctor on some test results, I've learned a have a defective personality. Sadly, I do agree with the findings. Somewhere from when the above picture was taken till now, I've become cynical and slightly warped. Some of it is fixable, some I'll just have to learn new coping mechanisms. Overall, I see it as a continuation of patterns seen throughout my adult life. Now they are just firmly entrenched. It will require much effort from me and a lot of support from family and a few friends I have to make the changes required.

I have often considered myself a huge failure, both socially and career-wise. Financially a disaster. I'm aware of the problems and behaviors that cause them. I also know that on the inside I'm not nearly as confident or self assured as I would like to be. That's gonna take some serious work to correct. Socially, I am currently trying to do more with other people. I fight it tooth and nail, though I know it is what I need more than anything. The worse part is when people make small talk, ask about where you work or live. I cringe inside because those are two of my sensitive spots and where my biggest failures lie. Maybe that's why I never ask those questions myself when I meet people.

My self-worth is in the toilet. Moving from this trailer park and into a real home will booster that greatly, but still a ways off. Still, afterward, because of my parents assistance and the land from my grandparents, it will never feel like a true accomplishment I achieved. Something I will have to work on as well. Losing the 13 pounds has already made me feel slightly better about myself, but there is still more weight to be lost. Only then will I feel truly good about my looks again. I will have to retrain that inner voice that constantly tells me I'm not worthy of love or respect or that everyone else is better than me, despite what I preach to others that feel the same. That will be a true break through if it ever happens.

Then there is the whole unemployed, being keep up by your parents, failing at school, sloppy house keeping, and myriad other issues to face and deal with. It ain't gonna be pretty. My life has seemingly been neatly packaged into chapters for me. This is merely the next one. I've always tried to be the best I could be, but felt I fell way short of such noble callings. Here is another chance, another attempt to get it right. I may succeed or I may fail yet again or land somewhere in the middle. The object is to continue to move forward, however painful or slow a process it may be. So gentle readers, buckle up, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

Tuesday Tease

Morning Giggle

Lions, tigers and bears.......Oh my!

Str8 Panic Defense

I'm a little peeved at the acquittal of a man who stabbed a neighbor to death over a supposedly sexual advance. Sixty one times he stabbed him. A bit excessive for panic, even if you are drunk. I've often wondered why we never hear of a Straight Panic Defense. Mostly because gays aren't by nature physically aggressive, but maybe because it doesn't exist, like gay panic shouldn't.
Here's my take on it.

Defendant: "Your honor, I had no choice but to kill him. I claim Straight Panic Defense for my actions. Had I not felt threaten by him I would not have had to defend myself."

Judge: "Just how did the deceased make you feel threaten?"

Defendant: "Well, your honor, it started innocent enough. I was invited to a Superbowl party. Things where great. Laughing, cheering, beer. Then slowly, he started asking me about my favorite player and recounting team stats. Then, he wanted a fist bump, so I went along with it, all the while I was trying not to be afraid of him. During half time, we stood up to stretch our legs and get more beer. That's when it happened." (sobbing now).

Judge: "I know it is difficult, but what exactly happened then?"

Defendant: "He.....he.....he tried to chest bump me! I was terrified. He may have gone for a bear hug next, or a huddle or an ass slap! I couldn't take it. My nerves were on end! I snapped! I felt he was trying to make straight! I grabbed the butcher knife from the block and stabbed blindly through my tears and fears. "(sobbing, shoulders shaking)

"Only later did I realize what I had done. He had it coming. It was honest self defense your honor. My gayness was at stake. If my friends had found out, I would have had my gay card revoke! I would no longer be allowed to twirl on the dance floor to fabulous DJ's. I would have to hang sheets over the windows instead of drapes and wear camouflage! I would have to shop at discount outlets, drive a minivan and vacation at family resorts! I couldn't let that happen. I had to defend myself! Just had to!"

Judge: "Case dismissed. That is clearly Str8 Panic."

Here's Your Sign

Still hard to believe, huh?

The Gay Porn Star Test

Your result for The Gay Porn*Star Test...

Johan Paulik

Congratulations! You scored ###!

You're as vanilla as Porn Stars can come. You're hardly ever doing it with more than one person, and it's always high quality stylish settings. You're the good boy of gay porn.

Take The Gay Porn*Star Test at HelloQuizzy

Morning Giggle

Wheeeee! It's Monday!

Happy Birthday Mama!

Tomorrow will be my mother's 70th birthday! My grandmother once told me, that she had hope to have her on the 9th, for my grandfather's birthday, but it didn't work out that way. My mother is an incredible woman. My parents are high school sweethearts. Though all the parents involved thought they were too young to be married, they snuck off to the Justice of the Peace almost 53 years ago! My mother owned a beauty shop when we were younger. It was located off to the side of the front yard. She wanted to be home when we were after school. Later, when my sister and I were in high school, my parents built a new home closer to the school and my mother returned to college at 42, to become an RN. While working in one of the large hospitals in the area, she was one of the few nurses that didn't balk at caring for AIDS patients. She retired from Hospice of Union County several years ago. She is the one that got me interested in volunteering there. Both her and my father are very active in Hospice fundraising, giving of their money and time to a great cause. She is also very active in her church, forever cooking or baking as the need arises. The fact that my sister and I are both adopted from infancy, has always amazed me. I could not have been more loved or cared for by my parents or grandparents. My mother has always been me biggest supporter and advocate. She was there encouraging me when I felt there was no longer a reason. She pushed to make sure I got the proper medications and therapy when I was diagnosed with depression and still does. She has been generous with her money, her time, and most importantly herself. I love you Mama! Happy Birthday!

Saturday Tease

The weekend is here!

One For The Books

Obviously, not a gay wedding.

More Than A Pretty Face

Art Appreciation

Have giant phallus, will travel.

Morning Giggle

Let them eat cake!

(that's gonna be one jacked up squirrel)