Friday, February 12, 2010

Mindless Ramble

I don't really know how to begin this post or end it. I have nothing clever or profound to say, but I have a need to just express myself at the moment. It will most likely ramble and not be cohesive, so bear with me.

I have so much stress right now. Concerns over my mother's health, my undrivable car, school assignments, money, unemployment, and all the accompanying feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and no control to go with it. Another Valentine's Day will soon be here with no one to share it with for 10th year in a row. No way to call people and just chat because I can't use the minutes up on the phone. No wine or champagne in the frig to even help mark the day. I worry a lot and hope for the best. I keep the hope that I too, can win the lottery and change my life while helping others. I feel very sad that all of these things are seemingly out of my control. I'm totally powerless in the face of cold reality. What I really need is a good cry, but I'm fearful that if I allow myself to start I won't stop. I need someone to just hold me while I sob, and tell me everything will be alright. I know that isn't available to me either, so here I sit, typing about the crap in my head. My heart is heavy with concern for my mother and how all of this will play out. I'm so scared I will lose her and I'm not ready for that. I worry about how all of this will effect my father and his health. There is nothing I can do about any of it. So I do the best I can to be strong for them. I try to plow on through it all and hope for the best, while expecting the worse, because that is just the way it always seems to be with me. I miss my friends so badly, I actually physically ache. I could have talked to them and cried and been hugged. It would have been some comfort. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be with someone again. I'm not sure I have that capacity left anymore. I'll feel hollow and like I'm on auto-pilot most days. I go through the motions, dealing with whatever comes up as best as I can, while trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. I'm still trying to lose weight in an effort to salvage my health and self esteem, but have hit a plateau. I just wish the world would stop long enough and let me get caught up. I don't want much. Don't need much. But it all seems so far out of reach. I have forgotten what is "normal" for me. Why can't everything just go away? Where is the reset button?


Larry Ohio said...

Oh Dave, I am crying for you. I wish we lived closer so I could give you the hug you so badly need. There may be 500 miles between us, but know that I'm there with you in spirit.

Russ Manley said...

I keep looking for that "reset" button too buddy, let me know if you find it.

January started the year out good but Feb. seems to be a downer for a lot of people, you and me both. Maybe it's the cold weather or something. And I dont' even want to think about V-day.

Having been thru exactly the kind of overwhelmed, despairing, out of control feeling youre describing many times - again I say, many times - in my life, all I can tell ya man is what my mama used to say: "This Too Shall Pass."

And it does. Don't seem possible when youre down at the bottom of that hole, but it always does sooner or later. Really. And you know that from your own experience.

So hang in there friend. Might help to segment your mind off from the future and the what-ifs, just focus on what you can do Today and do that the best you can. Even Jesus said, "take no thought for the morrow . . . ."

Bless you buddy. You'll tough it out, I know you will. You're a stronger man than you give yourself credit for right now.

Curtis said...

I don't mean to sound trite, but breathe. Just breathe. All will be well. You are in my thoughts.

Lemuel said...

I wish I could hug you in real time and not just through this sometimes impersonal medium. I have days that I have felt similarly. Know that you are loved and, as you have at times given strength to others, you can now draw your strength from us.

witomski said...

We love you Dave!

anne marie in philly said...


Java said...

I wish things had worked out for us to get together Friday. Sounds like you really need it! I do, too.

I care about you. I hope you have a chance for a good cry.

Your mother is in my prayers, as are you.

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