Mindless Ramble

I don't really know how to begin this post or end it. I have nothing clever or profound to say, but I have a need to just express myself at the moment. It will most likely ramble and not be cohesive, so bear with me.

I have so much stress right now. Concerns over my mother's health, my undrivable car, school assignments, money, unemployment, and all the accompanying feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and no control to go with it. Another Valentine's Day will soon be here with no one to share it with for 10th year in a row. No way to call people and just chat because I can't use the minutes up on the phone. No wine or champagne in the frig to even help mark the day. I worry a lot and hope for the best. I keep the hope that I too, can win the lottery and change my life while helping others. I feel very sad that all of these things are seemingly out of my control. I'm totally powerless in the face of cold reality. What I really need is a good cry, but I'm fearful that if I allow myself to start I won't stop. I need someone to just hold me while I sob, and tell me everything will be alright. I know that isn't available to me either, so here I sit, typing about the crap in my head. My heart is heavy with concern for my mother and how all of this will play out. I'm so scared I will lose her and I'm not ready for that. I worry about how all of this will effect my father and his health. There is nothing I can do about any of it. So I do the best I can to be strong for them. I try to plow on through it all and hope for the best, while expecting the worse, because that is just the way it always seems to be with me. I miss my friends so badly, I actually physically ache. I could have talked to them and cried and been hugged. It would have been some comfort. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be with someone again. I'm not sure I have that capacity left anymore. I'll feel hollow and like I'm on auto-pilot most days. I go through the motions, dealing with whatever comes up as best as I can, while trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. I'm still trying to lose weight in an effort to salvage my health and self esteem, but have hit a plateau. I just wish the world would stop long enough and let me get caught up. I don't want much. Don't need much. But it all seems so far out of reach. I have forgotten what is "normal" for me. Why can't everything just go away? Where is the reset button?