Inside My Head

Since the discovery and confirmation of my mother's cancer over the last week, I've been out of sorts. While that is bad enough on it's on, dealing with school and helping my father paint the old place has really taken the wind out of my normally optimistic sails. My crush on Jeff is slowly abating, which is a good thing before it went into obsession or stalker mode. It just seems to me that I never catch a break. I'm never in the right place at the right time. Nor do my efforts produce an abundance of any sort. I'm not depressed, just applying some objective reality to my life and plans. The economy is worrying the hell out of me. I hope the certificate will help land me a job when I'm done, but given how overflowing the talent pool is and the shortage of positions, it isn't a done deal. Even crappy jobs are hard to find. Of course I'm petrified about this new cancer menace with my mother. I wonder if she will be able to bounce back after it or will she fall prey to something else while recovering. I can't even fathom how I would deal with it at this point. I still want a close friend to hang with to replace the one I lost nine years ago. Of those I thought could fill the bill, none seem to fit or really want to be a close friend. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a friend. Maybe money or a job is more important in helping define or sustain a friendship than I ever considered. I'm not even gonna go into relationship crap. As badly as I want one, I'm not ready for it. I don't have the time for it, till school and all the stuff with and for my parents is done. What I want and the reality are so far apart, I want to just chunk everything, find a nice quiet place to sit and think of nothing but how great my life once was, when there was real friends near by, a job to go to and I was in love. If wishing, hoping, praying, daydreaming, planning, or fantasizing about it made it true, I'd already be there.