Friday, February 5, 2010

Inside My Head





Since the discovery and confirmation of my mother's cancer over the last week, I've been out of sorts. While that is bad enough on it's on, dealing with school and helping my father paint the old place has really taken the wind out of my normally optimistic sails. My crush on Jeff is slowly abating, which is a good thing before it went into obsession or stalker mode. It just seems to me that I never catch a break. I'm never in the right place at the right time. Nor do my efforts produce an abundance of any sort. I'm not depressed, just applying some objective reality to my life and plans. The economy is worrying the hell out of me. I hope the certificate will help land me a job when I'm done, but given how overflowing the talent pool is and the shortage of positions, it isn't a done deal. Even crappy jobs are hard to find. Of course I'm petrified about this new cancer menace with my mother. I wonder if she will be able to bounce back after it or will she fall prey to something else while recovering. I can't even fathom how I would deal with it at this point. I still want a close friend to hang with to replace the one I lost nine years ago. Of those I thought could fill the bill, none seem to fit or really want to be a close friend. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a friend. Maybe money or a job is more important in helping define or sustain a friendship than I ever considered. I'm not even gonna go into relationship crap. As badly as I want one, I'm not ready for it. I don't have the time for it, till school and all the stuff with and for my parents is done. What I want and the reality are so far apart, I want to just chunk everything, find a nice quiet place to sit and think of nothing but how great my life once was, when there was real friends near by, a job to go to and I was in love. If wishing, hoping, praying, daydreaming, planning, or fantasizing about it made it true, I'd already be there.



6 comments:

Larry Ohio said...

I think whoever you end up with is going to be a fortunate man.

Java said...

I wish I had some constructive bit of advice. I don't. But I'm sending a virtual hug, because it's all I can do right now.

anne marie in philly said...

me too...all I can send are {{{{{hugs}}}}} and good thoughts.

witomski said...

Dave....you certainly have a plate-full. Forget the relationship-thing....there's no energy left in you for it now. I lost my Mother when she was 58 to cancer and it was an emotional struggle as I eventually entered a state of denial. As time progressed, she would get sick frequently and would go to the hospital, get better, come home and life would move forward. Eventually, the doctor, who forged a wonderful relationship with my Mother, told my Mother one day that there was nothing more he could do. He told her he was "going to send her home to die.....Jean, do you understand?'....my Mother shook her head in acknowledgement. This was the most important part of my Mother's journey....to have a extraordinary, compassionate doctor who assisted her in her journey. Dave, try to be strong and share the time you may have left with her....help her laugh and live life with her as if everyday was her last....she will love you for this and you will have a rich history to look back on. Remember, death is a continuation of life. I will never view the loss of my Mother as death, but that she just went away....I will eventually join her in her journey....I do hope this helps in some small way....Regards...Joe

Lemuel said...

Hold fast to your past for the *joy* the memories bring you. Hold fast, but not too tightly. Life is about movement and change. Nothing stays the same for long. Consider the beauty of flowers. I hate artificial flowers. They are beautiful but they have no life. They are static. Part of the beauty of real flowers is the cycle of their life - their growth, their budding, the bloom, even the decay. Look to the cycle(s) of your life, Dave. Rejoice and remember the "blooming" and know that there are new and different "blooms" awaiting you as your life itself moves and changes.
HUGS.

Ur-spo said...

bad news, that
All sorts of what ifs and scary thoughts occur. Please take this one day at a time, get information, and keep in touch.

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