Monday, December 8, 2008

That Loud Sucking Sound

Depressions sucks! Here I sit at home instead of the classroom, trying to finish out the semester with a bang. I even exchanged emails with a classmate this morning and said I would see him in class. Yet, I performed my morning rituals of trimming up my stubble in preparation to shave, took the dog out for his business, ate something close to breakfast and walked into the bedroom to undress for a shower when all I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and sleep. So I did. My mood changed from joking and jovial to anxiety and terror of leaving the house. I just couldn't do it. I've needed to carry trash off for over a month now and can't bring my self to do it. I've needed to go to the grocery store for the last 4 days and haven't. I just want to stay home with the dog and the computer. It's safe and comfortable. I've always been a homebody, but this turn of events is starting to concern me. I've noticed other little traits creeping into my daily life as well. Now when I pray at night, I have to say Amen three times or I feel anxious. When I buy candy, I don't need, I have to buy 2 of each type or I feel weird because I didn't. Or fix a sandwich I have to make two of them. When I was admitted to the Vocational Rehabilitation program I had to undergo psychological testing. My IQ was better than average but it showed I have high levels of anxiety. Now I can be merrily rolling along and when confronted with having to leave the house my mood plummets to the point that I can't bring myself to do it. I have already screwed up my life enough. I don't need this, whatever this is to make it worse. I don't worry so much about my financial future, barring any real disaster, my inheritance will more than take care of my golden years, but what about the intervening years? How am I suppose to have any type of fulfilling life if a can't face leaving my own yard? This crap is hard enough to write about, but you should try sitting face to face with someone and hear it come from your own lips. You sound like an idiot or a loser. I've had a pizza and a barbecue plate since Thanksgiving, everything else has been candy or ravioli from a can or PBJ sandwiches. None to good for trying to get in shape again. In fact sad to say, Thanksgiving was the last time I shaved or showered. I stink. I can smell my pits! I get anxious thinking about getting into the shower for God's sake. I hate to self medicate, but I'm considering adding another pill to my usual dosage to see if that helps. I've drank a bottle of wine over the last week to help me get to sleep, a half a glass before bedtime every night. If not I was waking up after 3 hours. I haven't had alcohol since 2000. I honestly don't know what is going on in my head. Something seems to be screwed up. I hate if I burst any one's bubble that I was perfect. Far from it. I guess I hide the flaws and sickness better than some. God, why can't I have a normal life?


TigerYogiji said...

Hon, it sounds like you need to call your doctor TODAY to talk about what's going on with you.

Please don't wait. ((HUGS))

A Lewis said...

I 100% echo what Tiger said above....get help immediately today. Don't wait until tomorrow. And, as much as I like a man who smells like a man in the pits, Thanksgiving????????? Oh my. I send you my good greetings for coming out on top of this thing and showing it who is boss -- rather than it showing you whose boss. Hugs and happier days ahead.

Michael Guy said...

There's no such thing as 'normal.' We all have crap to overcome. Some just manage to hide it better. I think your frankness, though, does merit feedback and to that end I mirror "TigerYogiji" comment; talk to your doctor. Talk to your friends. Talk to family. You are isolating and need a sounding board for these thoughts otherwise you'll drown in them. Been there; trust me. Nothing pleases me more than pulling the shades, hitting the chardonnnay and lamenting the breakup of a 25+ year relationship...but it solves nothing.

You do not sound like a "loser."

Skip the wine at bedtime. Frankly, I've dealt with horrible mood swings of late and recently discovered the benefits of SAM-E, a natural mood enhancer/stabilizer. I know, sounds like goof-ball shit, but it actually works. I've been taking it for two months now and my moods stay 'flat.' No extreme highs, no Hellish lows...just nice and even. My world is manageable. Try it. But still seek some feedback from a trained pro with regard to what is signaling/triggerinig your mood plummets.

Sorry I wrote a book here and good luck to you!

Lemuel said...

I am *absolutely* with Tigeryogyji and A Lewis on this one! Hie thee to a doctor posthaste!!

Do it for us! You have a family of readers who care deeply for you now. You are not alone. Let the doc help you get your system back in balance. Please!

Jim said...

Howdy, I popped over from Michael Guys's blog. You have depression. It is a medical illness. I also have depression. I experienced your last few weeks when I was in my early 20's. I sincerely understand how you feel.

I have treated my depression with the use of mood stabalizing drugs (prozac, wellbutrin, zoloft-those kinds if things), therapy and excercise. I also had my testosterone checked and discovered I was a "quart low". Apparently that can also affect your mood.

I guess the short of what I am saying is, this is a medical condition and whern you see your doctor, if they don't get what you are telling them, tell them more or change doctors. There us a light at the end of the tunnel and I promise it is not a train!

rptrcub said...

Hey fella. I'm bipolar myself: going from the manic highs (which are quite enjoyable until you crash) where I'm the life of the party and very chipper and eager to do things, to depression.

Go to the doctor--I've been helped by mood stabilizers and anti-convulsants. Please know that you are a worthy person and that there are people who love you. You are not a loser. I can relate to being in these periods and before I was treated, I would call in sick on some days because I just couldn't deal.

Hugs to you!

Dream Weaver Hit Counter
Hughes Net Satellite Internet