Sunday, January 18, 2009

How Does That Make You Feel?

My last visit to the shrink, as I had mentioned in an early post was productive. I had mentioned building a new home this year, (thanks to my parents). He had an interesting take on it that I had never considered. The past 18 years that I have lived in this trailer has seen all the upheaval in my life. The place is full of the ghost from my past. Lost jobs, set backs, death of friends and family, major depressive episodes, lose of a car, the end of a 10 year relationship, money woes. This place is a constant reminder of lose and failure to me. They are all here, contained in this flimsy, tin box. There is no escaping them. They are everywhere. I remember visits, and conversations. The happy and the sad times. Everywhere I look in this place is a reminder of my past. It haunts me. There are things I purchased when out with so and so, or were given by so and so. So and so sat here or there on their last visit. It's a gaping wound with no chance of healing. It also reminds me of my self perceived failures. What I had hope to accomplish but didn't. Something that didn't go as well as expected. Another disappointment.
He also pointed out that I had no closure with the death of my friends. Only 2 out of 12 was I able to attend their funerals. Others I learned of after the fact. I never got the chance to say goodbye. The 4 grandparents I lost while living here, there was closure, but friends none. Now with my social support system gone there is no one to share it with. All that is left are my parents who can't possibly understand the bonds between gay friends and lovers. Nor do they really want to. I'm somewhat isolated. He did encourage my blogging as therapy. I had already figured that out for myself. Yet despite of or because of, I still keep going. I've never totally lost my optimism. I still believe that better days are ahead. I agree with him, that moving may help alleviate a lot of my depression and make it more manageable. Different scenery and all. So I plug away at what changes I can, plan for others, and do my best to get through it.


Bob said...

Sometimes, change is a good thing. It sounds like you are on the right path, I mean, you're still have memories and thoughts and all, but you won't be surrounded by them in the place they all occured.

Lemuel said...

I celebrate your movement towards your future, symbolized by the move to the new house. Even the "building" of that new home has wonderful symbolism!

Do not forget, UD, that you have this wider circle of us. I do not doubt that you will meet some of your readers and some whom you read. There is more. There is good.

Bear Me Out said...

I SO struggle with much to mourn, with losses, and with a sense of failure in so many things. Hang in and hang on. You are taking positive steps and doing it well.

As Lem said, remember those of us out here in blogland who can help with support. It has been great for me as I journey through coming out.

Ur-spo said...

What you need is a ritual, some sort of ceremony to clear out the ghosts and make room for new things and karma for the new year.
Try to create some sort of closing ceremony for the old and a hello for the new - perhaps 2 rituals are needed.

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