Before reading this post, it may be helpful to read the previous post and then the comments. It will help make sense of this one.
While I realize this blog has many loyal followers, which I appreciate, this blog does not reflect my life in it's entirety. There are many parts of it, in fact, about 90% of my life prior to me starting the blog in September 2008, that my readers know nothing about. I've shared a few things from my past but not all. I elude to things and how they use to be. To say this blog is a 100% true reflection of my entire life would be erroneous. After reading a comment on my previous post, I'm left with the impression that maybe by leaving so much out, my readers don't know me as well as they would like to think based on just these blog entries. I've ran across this before from another post and comment by another follow blogger, which I addressed privately. Since this is the second time, I figured I would make this one public.
Prior to 2008, my life was going pretty well. I had money and a job doing something I enjoyed. Before 2005, I was at the top of my game as far as income was concerned. I made more than I spent, but was still able to indulge in clothes, jewelry, antiques, artwork, china, crystal and whatever else I wanted. I never had trouble paying bills or had to ask my parents for money for the last decade or more. I was a big boy finally. I took classes to improve my job skills just because. I did volunteer work for Hospice. I still give to charities even in these stressing times, though not as much obviously. And let's not forget the AIDS Walk fundraiser for the last two years, as mentioned here before. Even though I had lost so many of my friends and my ex, I was regrouping. I was learning new skills, meeting new people, doing stuff I enjoyed and had even gotten into the best shape of my life.
What happened you may ask? Life happened. It started with another round of depression. It happened when the well paying job ended because the store location was closed. It happened because my grandfather broke his hip. It happened because nothing good last forever. There is no one certain, defining moment when I can say it all began to slip away. While I still have just about everything left from those times except the money, my parents and I both became older. Thus far, it has taken a bigger toll on them, than me.
The point I'm hoping to make is this: Yes, my parents are going to buy me a house because I can not. My parents will leave me with a trust fund when they are gone. I am by no means spoiled or privileged. I have worked since I was 16. I have always had my own money and a job (even if it sucked or was low paying. I'd work my way up or move to greener pastures when I had the opportunity). So many years with an alcoholic drug addict and a declining economy has taken it toll. I'm not selfish by any stretch. I have had many friends stay free of charge with me over the years or given them money when needed. I've driven 50 miles round trip to make sure friends could get to work and back when they had no transportation. I've listened to countless hours of woe from friends and coworkers. I've helped friends move, build, start a business, etc. countless times, every time they have needed me. Now they are all gone. I'm starting over on all fronts at 46. I don't expect people to do for me all that I've done in the past or willing to to do now for a friend. I'm left alone, with a poor paying job in a crappy economy, and elderly ailing parents, while my sister travels, swims in her pool, and visits once a month. I'm the one that needs someone to listen. Maybe even borrow $20 bucks occasionally. There is no one except my parents. And I'm certainly not waiting for them to die before I start living. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, in this situation. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't. And yes, I'm bored. I have no money to entertain my self with. And few friends I can trouble for company when lonely. But more importantly I'm frustrated at it all. I can only wish to be spoiled or have friends as good as I have been to mine in the past. There were times when I gave so much of myself there was nothing left, but I would gladly do it again if the need arose.
This blog is more about releasing my frustrations and disappointments than a complete anthology of my life. It is meant for me to express the things I have no flesh and blood person to help me work through. Years of therapy and self improvement books have taught me it is needed to be healthy mentally and to keep depression at bay. I ask my readers to understand that. The blog is not the entirety of me or my life in any way.
While I realize this blog has many loyal followers, which I appreciate, this blog does not reflect my life in it's entirety. There are many parts of it, in fact, about 90% of my life prior to me starting the blog in September 2008, that my readers know nothing about. I've shared a few things from my past but not all. I elude to things and how they use to be. To say this blog is a 100% true reflection of my entire life would be erroneous. After reading a comment on my previous post, I'm left with the impression that maybe by leaving so much out, my readers don't know me as well as they would like to think based on just these blog entries. I've ran across this before from another post and comment by another follow blogger, which I addressed privately. Since this is the second time, I figured I would make this one public.
Prior to 2008, my life was going pretty well. I had money and a job doing something I enjoyed. Before 2005, I was at the top of my game as far as income was concerned. I made more than I spent, but was still able to indulge in clothes, jewelry, antiques, artwork, china, crystal and whatever else I wanted. I never had trouble paying bills or had to ask my parents for money for the last decade or more. I was a big boy finally. I took classes to improve my job skills just because. I did volunteer work for Hospice. I still give to charities even in these stressing times, though not as much obviously. And let's not forget the AIDS Walk fundraiser for the last two years, as mentioned here before. Even though I had lost so many of my friends and my ex, I was regrouping. I was learning new skills, meeting new people, doing stuff I enjoyed and had even gotten into the best shape of my life.
What happened you may ask? Life happened. It started with another round of depression. It happened when the well paying job ended because the store location was closed. It happened because my grandfather broke his hip. It happened because nothing good last forever. There is no one certain, defining moment when I can say it all began to slip away. While I still have just about everything left from those times except the money, my parents and I both became older. Thus far, it has taken a bigger toll on them, than me.
The point I'm hoping to make is this: Yes, my parents are going to buy me a house because I can not. My parents will leave me with a trust fund when they are gone. I am by no means spoiled or privileged. I have worked since I was 16. I have always had my own money and a job (even if it sucked or was low paying. I'd work my way up or move to greener pastures when I had the opportunity). So many years with an alcoholic drug addict and a declining economy has taken it toll. I'm not selfish by any stretch. I have had many friends stay free of charge with me over the years or given them money when needed. I've driven 50 miles round trip to make sure friends could get to work and back when they had no transportation. I've listened to countless hours of woe from friends and coworkers. I've helped friends move, build, start a business, etc. countless times, every time they have needed me. Now they are all gone. I'm starting over on all fronts at 46. I don't expect people to do for me all that I've done in the past or willing to to do now for a friend. I'm left alone, with a poor paying job in a crappy economy, and elderly ailing parents, while my sister travels, swims in her pool, and visits once a month. I'm the one that needs someone to listen. Maybe even borrow $20 bucks occasionally. There is no one except my parents. And I'm certainly not waiting for them to die before I start living. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, in this situation. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't. And yes, I'm bored. I have no money to entertain my self with. And few friends I can trouble for company when lonely. But more importantly I'm frustrated at it all. I can only wish to be spoiled or have friends as good as I have been to mine in the past. There were times when I gave so much of myself there was nothing left, but I would gladly do it again if the need arose.
This blog is more about releasing my frustrations and disappointments than a complete anthology of my life. It is meant for me to express the things I have no flesh and blood person to help me work through. Years of therapy and self improvement books have taught me it is needed to be healthy mentally and to keep depression at bay. I ask my readers to understand that. The blog is not the entirety of me or my life in any way.
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8 comments:
I think of blogging like is was group therapy, with the group being other folks on the internet. I think how you are using it is one of the best possible ways to do so.
Thanks Cubby! Hope y'all were spared any problems from Irene!
I like what Cubby says about blogging. I don't use it that way, very deliberately, but I can see his point.
And just as in group therapy, sometimes what you hear from others misses the mark. But at least you do get to hear how you sound to others, which is good feedback in itself.
And even misplaced feedback that gets things wrong can sting you into realizing what really is true about yourself. I know you have a lot of good qualities, Dave, which you have written about before; and I'm sure your life, like mine, is a long and varied story, not easy to convey in words to people who weren't there. As I say, you do remind me of my younger self sometimes, in some ways, like a kid brother I never had.
I too have had to do the best I could along the way with what I had, against often overwhelming circumstances. So I hear you, man. Life sucks the big one sometimes, and sometimes all we can do is vent. Which is certainly helpful, if we can't do any better at the moment.
Good luck and God bless, lil' buddy.
Thanks Russ! Hug and a pat on the butt for ya!
I never think a blog is 'all you are". Mine certainly is not - there are several important areas of my life that never see blogging.
Blogs are arenas for expressive writing; no need for more, or to explain.
Dave, it seems that when you have been down your family has and is there for you. That is the way it should be now your dad is down, you are doing for them. They need you and you need them it works together.
I also am going through something like that sickness and death in the family. A parent loves their Children just and the children loves the parents, or rather that is the way it should be. You are doing a fine job don't let anyone or anything stop you.
Love
Joe
My blog has been the for the past few years, as close to giving all of myself as possible. I think I have blogged about every significant event in my life that has shaped me.
We all blog for very different reasons and you really don't owe anyone an explanation.
Dave, you could be my twin in many ways... I can share almost everything you said about your life in my own. We... your listeners ARE your flesh and blood now...
Sometimes all we need is for someone to share their story to help us put ours into perspective. I would love to write more, but I need to get going to work now. Let's chat more.
Lenny... your flesh and blood in Denver.
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