Musing

Not sure where all the introspection is coming from lately. Guess I've reached that point that I'm not content and I'm trying to figure out why. Obviously, my parent's health have some bearing on this. The hold up with selling their old place and figuring out do we subdivide or not is a weight as well. Of course there is the whole job/money thing. I had kinda hoped working again would alleviate that and to some degree it did, just not as much as I would have liked it to. Also the waiting to hear back about the job I applied for is agonizing. I'm not as patient as I use to be nor is time standing still for me to catch up. Then there is the whole looking for a house, looking at plans thing that seems like a total waste of time, given how slow things are moving on my parent's old place. I wonder why I bother at all. And last but not least, there is Tommy. I'm treating him as a friend though that isn't what I want. Given his circumstance and state of mind, I feel it is less stress on both of us, if there were ever a chance of an "us". I don't want to miss the opportunity if it exist and is currently clouded over because of his situation. I think it would be a very sad loss to us both to dismiss it so readily, but I honestly have no clue how to approach it any other way. Usually when I find things so burdensome, I write about it to help sort it out. It doesn't make for an interesting read but it is cathartic to let it out. So here I sit, typing my little heart out, trying to make sense of it all. If something would give just a little or something just fall in to place or click, I feel everything else would domino. It would all be as it should, but no such luck as of yet. Nothing is giving at the moment. I'm stuck in the holding pattern that seems to define so much of my life. I wait. I get frustrated. I want to give up worrying about anything and everything. Then I dive in again. Maybe one day it will change but it can't happen quick enough. I may have to bitch slap it when it does show for taking so long.