Friday, January 1, 2010

One Is Not Like The Other

Last night, while chatting with my first ex, I had casually mentioned something about "fitting in".The context was how I always felt excluded, on the outside looking in, a misfit. I thought about this a lot today for some reason and decided to write about it. Most people would assume it is because I'm gay, but they would be partially right or wrong as the case may be. I never had any problem accepting who or what I was. It was rather matter of fact with me. I like guys more than girls, end of story. It wasn't all the religious dogma either. I simply knew they were wrong period. This "fitting in" thing was different. It was more social. I wasn't popular in high school, nor was I unknown. I had a close group of friends and when I became old enough to work part time, it expanded. I'm still in touch with most of them today through FaceBook. I wasn't an athlete or an honor student either. I made good grades, attended school functions, and did extracurricular activities. I wasn't a smoker or drinker or drug user in high school, but some of my friends were. Overall, I had a pleasant experience there.

I always felt that I never really belonged to one group. I had my close friends and I was just accepted in the weight room as I was in the Pep Club. I related well with all the students and teachers, with other employees and management. I could talk to anyone on just about any subject they cared too. I wasn't pigeoned holed. I think that was my problem. I fit in everywhere, seamlessly, unobtrusively almost transparently. Hence, my "fitting in" problem. There was nothing exceptional about me or my achievements. I didn't stand out, wasn't always considered a part of any one group, even my little small one. I migrated and transitioned.

Once a guy I was seeing commented on how well rounded I was, so I asked him to explain. He pretty much covered most of what I already did, then added a bit of friendly advice, "Be careful, because with such breath of knowledge, you relate to everyone on common ground. Focusing on a few things would be more beneficial to finding happiness." At the time, I sorta filed it away dismissively. I think now I understand it a better.

I long for someone to be in my life again, so much so, anything in common with someone and I automatically assume we should be together, whether they are good for me or not. You can see the inherit danger there. I have my own style, my own way of doing everything, which is good. I just can't find the perfect fit in social circles. Some aspects of a group appeals to me, but then others do not. It is like I'm shopping racks for a custom made suit. It ain't gonna happen. I may like this particular fabric, but in a different color and want a 3 button instead of a double breasted jacket. It is weird, I know. I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe it is something I should change about myself, or hope I can cultivate the right group of people to hang with. It seems whatever group I'm with at the moment, I feel like the opposite of, if that makes any sense. Like it is fake, or forced, which always comes across as awkward.


Ur-spo said...

human beings have the same dilemma throughout history - how to be both a member for a tribe that acknowledges us as 'one of them'
growth of you own Self

Good luck in 2010.

PS -when in doubt, go with option B)

Larry Ohio said...

I love reading you.

T.E.W. said...

Dave I think you hit the nail on the head for a lot of us. It should help to understand we are all in that boat or at sometime rode the boat for longer then we wanted to.

Russ Manley said...

Dave we all long for "someone in our life," that's the human condition; so don't feel like you're the only one. Hell, there's some tree stumps across the road looking mighty good to me at the moment, ya know what I mean bud? Grin.

One thing I just want to reflect back to you, for whatever it might be worth. I was struck by how at the first of your post here, you said "I fit in everywhere." But then you end by saying "I feel like a fake."

Interesting contradiction. I have no idea what to make of that, just throwing it out there man.

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