A Piece Of The Puzzle

I think there is a fine line between love and stupidity, often blurred, but easy to recognized when crossed. I use to veer into the stupid category more often than not. I give too much of myself, my time, my money too soon in a budding relationship. I was trying to show interest or commitment, but it usually came across as desperate and made me easier to manipulate. Having learned from experience, I tend to venture too far in the other direction now out of caution and come across as aloof, or heaven forbid, intimidating. I withhold the joy that once was unbridled and given free rein. Somewhere in the middle is the balance I've yet to find. I don't like holding back when I'm guienuely into someone, but if I don't I overwhelm them. I run the risk of either smothering them or seeming needy and clingly. Neither are particular attractive traits. I guess one day I'll learn to moderate my behavior a little better. It is easy to fall into old behaviors, even when you are aware of them. I'm a very intense and expressive person and applying the brakes isn't my style, but for the sake of not frightening a potential boyfriend I need to control it better. I have learned not to expect them to read my mind and not be disappointed when they don't clue into every little hint I throw their way. That is deeply unfair to both of us. I also have become aware of not becoming defensive or possessive in these matters. I don't really expect them to drop all their friends to spend time with me, but it would be nice to be included in that circle sooner rather than later. I think friends offer a valuable insight to a potential boyfriend. I have to realize that they had a life before I came along, a history I may be unaware of, just as I do. I'm an open book, too much so sometimes. Someone who is less forth coming than I, concerns me until everything is known. Hence the defensive, possessive posturing as a defense mechanism. Relationships are difficult even without those burdens from the get go, especially when either party isn't convinced they want to undertake the journey with the other. I guess as much as I like someone, nothing will change the fact that it isn't solely up to me. It has to a mutual endeavor or it is destined to fail before it ever begins and damage whatever was there beforehand.