Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Piece Of The Puzzle

I think there is a fine line between love and stupidity, often blurred, but easy to recognized when crossed. I use to veer into the stupid category more often than not. I give too much of myself, my time, my money too soon in a budding relationship. I was trying to show interest or commitment, but it usually came across as desperate and made me easier to manipulate. Having learned from experience, I tend to venture too far in the other direction now out of caution and come across as aloof, or heaven forbid, intimidating. I withhold the joy that once was unbridled and given free rein. Somewhere in the middle is the balance I've yet to find. I don't like holding back when I'm guienuely into someone, but if I don't I overwhelm them. I run the risk of either smothering them or seeming needy and clingly. Neither are particular attractive traits. I guess one day I'll learn to moderate my behavior a little better. It is easy to fall into old behaviors, even when you are aware of them. I'm a very intense and expressive person and applying the brakes isn't my style, but for the sake of not frightening a potential boyfriend I need to control it better. I have learned not to expect them to read my mind and not be disappointed when they don't clue into every little hint I throw their way. That is deeply unfair to both of us. I also have become aware of not becoming defensive or possessive in these matters. I don't really expect them to drop all their friends to spend time with me, but it would be nice to be included in that circle sooner rather than later. I think friends offer a valuable insight to a potential boyfriend. I have to realize that they had a life before I came along, a history I may be unaware of, just as I do. I'm an open book, too much so sometimes. Someone who is less forth coming than I, concerns me until everything is known. Hence the defensive, possessive posturing as a defense mechanism. Relationships are difficult even without those burdens from the get go, especially when either party isn't convinced they want to undertake the journey with the other. I guess as much as I like someone, nothing will change the fact that it isn't solely up to me. It has to a mutual endeavor or it is destined to fail before it ever begins and damage whatever was there beforehand.


7 comments:

Shaney said...

The way I feel about relationships is pretty similar...A good man is hard to find, even harder to hold on to!

I have a tendency to hold a part of me back now, I don't feel I should all of myself until I am convinced it is what I and the other party really want, sometimes that can take months even years so history indicates.

But I do hope that you find love and happiness in your life Dave. xxx

Ray's Cowboy said...

Dave first of all is there something youare trying to tell us. Have you found Mr Right and are worried about him?
Now back to your story. Most of us hold allot in when we try to connect to others. I think we are scared now of getting hurt. Dave I do not believe this is you. You should be free to be yourself. Handsome, caring, funny, and a good talker. Since I do nto know if youput out or not. I can not say a good lay yet or not. By yourself. Bekind. do not go over board and buy flowers onthe second date. Wait until the 4th. If he ask for money, beware. Go dutch until it has been a month and maybe treat him to something crazy. you know and ice cream sunday at the soda shop. Then start spreading your wings after that. See if he respnse to you and buys you things. Once you have done both you know he is into youfor you. not Daddy Warbucks.
Dave I also pray you find Mr Wonderful and be happy fo rthe rest of yourlife with hijm, but please do nto give up on your blog, if you find him. Keep us going wtih you as well.
Hugs
Ray

Ultra Dave said...

LOL! Naw Ray, if I had found him y'all would know! I do have my eye on someone though it remains to be seen if it will lead anywhere. I wouldn't give up my blog regardless. It's been a while for putting out, so I think I can resist a little longer when he does come along!

Ur-spo said...

Shakespeare said it best "Love and Reason keep little company nowadays, pity some honest neighbors don't make them friends."

TomS said...

It's frightening to feel left out of your potential mate's circle. And maybe we hold back because we want to preserve our hope that that special guy is really into us, and we don't want to upset that delicate scenario.

And among men in our culture there is the terrifying prospect of saying "no" to many in order to say "yes" to one. It's a frustrating byproduct of a hedonistic culture...it's not you!

Dave, you are smart and creative, and your journal is an excellent way for you to deal with these things without holding on too tight and making yourself weary.

I hope you remain honest in your feelings with others....ultimately, the people you want to spend time with will notice that (bacause that trait seems to be so rare these days), and feel closer to you as a result. Then, who knows what wonderful things will occur?

Best to you!
Tom

Lemuel said...

You are hardly alone in this struggle, Dave. I've struggled with a similar quandary all my life: coming on too strong or not strong enough. I've usually misread the signals and done the opposite of what I should have. I do not have the magic answer, just a sympathetic heart to where you are at.

Jeepguy said...

Hi Dave-
I've been following your blog off and on for a bit - came here from Russ' Blue Truck blog, actually. I like what you write.

I've always had a tendency to jump into the fire with both feet too fast, so I know what you're talking about. Best advice is usually to use some caution, but that's not always the easiest path to follow.

Hope you find the guy you're looking for. Follow your heart, but don't forget about your head. And, it's ok if he has some faults, as long as they are ones you can honestly live with.

Regards,
Gary

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