Sunday, March 7, 2010

Empty Streets of my Life

You ever have a period in you life when you just wanna bust out? There are no physical restraints holding you, but you still feel trapped, either by circumstance or commitment. That's the way I have been feeling lately. Not sure what to do about it. Not sure if there is anything I can do about at the moment. I realize that school will help alleviate some of this once I'm done in May. I realize the economy is improving even if it is at a snail's pace. I know that at some point everything will finally be over that is going on with my mother, and helping my father. I look forward to that day. I long for that day. That day can't come quickly enough.

The trouble is all the stuff in between. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I miss the life I use to have. I miss going out to eat. I miss renting movies. I miss having a full tank of gas in the car. I miss doing my own grocery shopping. I miss everything I'm not able to do now .I miss living my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have done all of it for my family. I'm certain they appreciate it. They have always been there for me and this was a chance to give back. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I do wonder if they realize the effect it has had on me the last 2 years?

Giving up my job. Giving up my new car of 6 months. Passing on invites. Staying at home, week after week, month after month. Not having regular phone service. Not having spending money. Delaying starting back to school. Etc. Etc. Etc. Having to rely on my unemployment till it ran out. Having to rely on them for every little thing since. All of this takes a toll on someone who has worked to improve them self mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially. It is devastating to start from scratch. When I even get that chance.

This latest event with my mother's breast cancer made me realize something I absolutely hate to admit. I'm scared of being alone. If something were to happen to both of my parents, that is exactly where I would be. My sister lives far away with her own family. I've had no time to rebuild friendships after losing so many friends. The only people I know are previous co workers or friends from before my last ex, twenty years ago. I have not dated anyone seriously in 10 years. I have not been with anyone in 5 years. My computer has truly been my life line these past few years. My saving grace. Still, it doesn't replace flesh and blood interaction.

I guess my point is I want to live again. For me. For myself. I want to be able to pursue my interest. I want to go and do. I want to work and have money again. I want a car I purchased. Sadly, I know this isn't possible. My mother still has her surgery coming up. My father is slowly declining as he ages. I still am not finished with my pitiful certificate. The economy still is in the toilet. Unemployment is still high. I'm still well dressed, well accessorized trailer park trash.

And yet I'm still hopeful. I still think it will get better. I still believe that everything will work out. I still have faith that my life will turn out just like I hoped. It just won't be today.


Larry Ohio said...

Dave, I know very much how you feel. Our lives parallel each other in many ways. It's too bad there is such a distance between us or we could commiserate together.

Lemuel said...

Hold on to that hope and steadily work toward making it a reality, but on the way do not fail to notice the life and the blessings that are all around you. Sometimes we are so blinded by what we think we want that we ignore what we have been given.

CJ/Rick said...

Yeah we all want to bust out sometimes Dave and not just because of a bad day. Sometimes I think while on the freeway to work I'll just keep going till the money runs out. Now wouldn't that be stupid of me? But it crosses my mind. Hey and at least you have hope. Hang in there Dave. Enjoy this time. Life is never the same after we lose our mother. Never. Well for most of us anyway.

Jeepguy said...

Hi Dave-
What you write here really reminds me of myself when I was about 35 years old, although under somewhat different circumstances. I jumped off a fast-moving train headed towards hell and went back to school to reinvent myself. I won't bore you with those bloody details.

Anyway, despite the loneliness and sometimes despair, I got through it, a day at a time. The end result is that I came out of the whole experience wiser, probably more cautious, but relatively sane and happy. I still make mistakes, but not the kind that destroy one's life.

So, there really is hope. Sounds like you are on the right track and have a good attitude about it all. Just keep slogging away, killing one rat at a time. And don't demand absolute perfection from yourself or anyone else. You'll get where you want to go, but maybe just not today, as you say.

Take care,

Russ Manley said...

I agree with what Gary said. It sucks big time being dependent on others; but this too shall pass, Dave, be patient a little while longer and you'll make it fine I just believe.

But with your parents getting older, I can see how easy it would be to fall into a permanent caregiver role right there . . . which is something you may have to make a thoughtful decision on down the road.

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