Reflections

I see the approach of another birthday, not too far in the distance. I don't dread it or fear it. It's more like apathy. Like, "Oh, it's you again." I look back at my life and wonder what could I have done differently that would have put me in different circumstances. I say "different" not "better" because that isn't guaranteed. I try not to dwell on it much. I can't change the past and the future is still unknown. It's a waste of time and energy to do so. I wonder if I had stayed in college the first go round and became the Architect I had always dreamt of being how would it have impacted my life? I don't believe I would have made the friends I did. I would have been in a different social circle. That is hard to imagine. I wouldn't have met my last ex. I probably wouldn't have ever moved to Florida, though I may have had to move elsewhere for career opportunities. That kinda leads me back to where I am now. I would be moving back here to look after my parents as they age. I would most likely be giving up a career and starting fresh in this economy regardless. Chances are, maybe even leaving friends and a partner behind to do it. So as I see it, my life could have been about the same as it now. Maybe a different place to live or car to drive, and maybe more money in the bank, but I would still most likely be without the same things I currently am. Maybe it is circular logic. Maybe wishful thinking. Maybe finally reaching the middle of middle age has taught me something. No matter what you do, you will always be where you need to be, when you need to be there. Life seems to have it's own agenda. There are certain things you are meant to do in your life time and it will conspire to make it happen, regardless of your plans or timetables. My only wish for the coming year is to wrap up everything going on in my life and get started truly living it once again. As for my impending birthday wish this year, winning the lottery would be a really cool birthday gift.