2012 AIDS Walk Charlotte

For the third year I will be joining the AIDS Walk
to benefit R.A.I.N.,
(Regional AIDS Interfaith Network).
They provide many services and help raise
AIDS awareness.
Please donate to this worthy cause if you can.
Every little bit helps.
AIDS Walk Charlotte 2012

Thank you so much!

Happy Easter

Scream

I scream inside
From anguish
of that which is now gone
Of frustration and loss
Easing temporarily
the pain
the suffering
the hurt
the vacancy in my heart

I scream inside
no lasting change
I still ache
I still long
I still need
No one rushes to my rescue
Nothing fills the void

I scream inside
till nothing is left
consumed by emptiness
my soul echoes with woe

Spring 2012

Happy Birthday Keith!

Repost from March 19th 2009

Tomorrow would have been my best friend's 47th birthday. He was eight days older than me. We usually celebrated our birthdays together. It's hard to believe he has been gone for 11 years now. At the same time, it seems like a whole other life time ago. I often wonder what he would be like now had he lived. He was doing well in Atlanta with his antique shop. He loved to travel. Always on the go somewhere. Rarely would you catch him at one place for very long. I miss our hanging out together. Most people thought we were a couple, we were together so much. We worked together, partied together, vacationed together, even slept together, but we never crossed the line into sex. We had seen each other at their best and at their worst. We always had each other's backs and stood up for the other no matter what. If we hadn't been friends, I would have never experienced a lot of the things in my life. I've always been grateful for that. Of course as with any type of relationship, there were rough spots occasionally, but we never let it interfere with our friendship. We always forgave and forgot. Other than my most recent ex, some of my fondest memories are with him. Two people who couldn't have been more different but found common ground. Our friendship lasted for 16 years and still continues even after his death. Happy Birthday Keith!

Simple Wishes

At night I listen during daylight I look
Trying to find reason where none exist
Searching for clues though none are left
Something stirs
Something afoot
So close but just out of grasp
Almost palpable
Sometimes it flickers in your eyes
or can be heard in your voice
The undercurrent of our discourse
Amicable and sweet, melancholy and distant
An interesting mix waiting anxiously
Hoping for the anti visceral to be acted upon
For something, for anything, to click, to manifest
For the thing that will transform and propel
Simple wishes to grandiose dreams fulfilled.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Have a safe one y'all!

It Had To Happen

I knew it was coming. I could feel it. I pushed it back as much as possible, but it wouldn't be stopped. I went to my mother's this morning before work to put the lawn mower battery on the charger. I've done it dozens of times with and without my father's supervision. It dawned on me big time he is gone and won't ever be back. I can't ask him questions on how to do something. I can't get his opinion or advice on things anymore. As I looked for an extension cord, I saw all the tools he had used, all the ones he had shown me how to use or that I had used while he watched because he wasn't able to use it himself. I realized that the next time I'm on the tractor, or mow the yard, or mix gas for the weed eater or the chainsaw or plow the garden, those same memories will be there. At first to haunt me about what I have lost then to comfort me that I had it at all. I held it together till I got home. Then it all came flooding out. I hate to cry. I look horrible crying. I feel horrible for crying. But it felt like a welcome relief. I only saw my father cry twice. Both times it broke my heart. If he can cry then so can I. Only I can't stop.

I called in to work today. I just returned to work yesterday after being out for a week with an acute upper respiratory infection. I've used 6 of my 10 vacations days already this year in this month along. I worry about losing my job, but supposedly they understand. I can only hope with the 9 days for bereavement then 7 days for sickness and 2 days for not being able to cope with the sudden change in my life that they truly mean it. That is the last thing I need to burden myself or my mother with at the moment. Hopefully it will all settle down soon.

But right now, at this moment, I can't say it really matters. My father is gone. One of my biggest supporters. I feel lost and so not up to the task of looking out for my mother. And holding a full time job. And taking care of the day to day stuff of ordinary living. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Hopefully the old Dave is still with me. Buried under all the grief and stress of the moment. I hope he re-emerges soon.

4 Mondays Ago

Tomorrow will be the 4th Monday without my father around. It's hard to believe it's been that long. It seems like yesterday I saw Mama holding him in her arms on the back steps. It seems like yesterday that everyone came by their house to see how he was doing. It just doesn't seem like a month has passed. During those 4 weeks, I've hardly cried. I shed tears, sure, but only wept openly once. That was the Saturday I was at Tommy's, three days after the funeral. Even then I was outside away from him. It's not that I don't miss him or didn't love him. Hardly. I just don't want to start and not stop. I know thinking about him being gone will make me think of my mother being gone. Then my grandparents. Then so many friends. I don't want that. I'm trying to be strong for my mother. I visit or call everyday, at least once. I always ask how she is doing, if she needs anything done, or anything I can help her with. All the proper paperwork has been filed. All the titles changed over. All the forms sent off. Everything has been taken care of. Except the grieving, the mourning. Nothing will take care of that but time. Now we make decisions about how to proceed from here. Nothing to be hurried about. More quizzical preponderances that we know will have to be dealt with at some point down the road when things are a bit more settled. It's more like bouncing around ideas and making a mental checklist of things to do later. Things like disposing of his clothes (Tommy will get those. He is the same height as my father. What he doesn't want or can't wear will go to Goodwill.), the truck (sold outright or traded with my mother's vehicle for her a new one at some point.), what to do with all his tools from his building (My brother in law cleared it all out before daddy passed. All of it is in storage, so some other arrangements will have to be made at some point.), as well as figuring out what to do with the tractor and all the attachments (I can still use some to take care of my mother's yard and garden for the time being.) Little things like that need to be settled definitively at some point.
Right now, my mother is coping better than I thought she would. I've been keeping a close eye on her, like my father asked. I've told her to call me regardless of the time or why if she needed to. So far she hasn't. She has managed to keep some of her same routines. People still call or visit and she has been getting out of the house to run errands or tend to task. She is keeping busy. I think she is surprised at how much time she has now. Her sleeping is returning to normal. Her appetite hasn't changed much though her cooking obviously has. She really has been much stronger through all of this than I thought she would be. I guess when you watch someone slowly slip away, it does give you a bit of time to process what is happening, so when it finally does, you aren't as shocked. My sister and her family seem to be doing ok. I think it has a bit harder for them since they didn't interact daily or weekly like my mother and I did. I know the kids are taking it hard. My sister seems on the verge of tears any time something is mentioned concerning our father, but she keeps it together around our mother.
All in all, I guess things are going as normally as they can. It will just take time.

Thank You

I want to thank each of you who have helped me through this difficult period with your kind words, thoughts and prayers. It truly meant a lot to me and made it a little easier. Bless each one of you.

Hereafter

Now I turn toward taking care of my mother like I promised my father I would. I'm going to make every attempt to stop by before and after work everyday as long as I'm not closing. Just because it would be too late to visit. I'm gonna call her on the way home on those days before she goes to bed. My biggest fear, concern is that, now that she is alone, something will happen and there will be no one around to help. Even in my father's condition, he could have called for help if nothing else. I'm hoping to convince her the keep her phone with her at all times, even in the house, just in case of an emergency. The thought of her laying helpless or worse, unconscious, or still worse, dead, and no one there terrifies me. I know the time will come when I will be the one most likely to find her, but I don't want to hasten the time because there was no one to render assistance. The next few weeks is sure to be filled with people coming and going and calling, I'm worried about the months and maybe years that follow, when things clam down a bit. She has spent her adult life taking care of people, I want to take care of her and protect her. And when her time comes, I don't want her to be alone.

The Day After

The whole service went smoothly and gracefully, lasting a little over 2 1/2 hours. It was all very understated and simple, just the way my father would have wanted it. My mother choose simple red roses in vases on pedestals flanking the casket, with a spray tied with red ribbon sharing the end of the plain light wood coffin with the American flag. (They reminded her of the dozen roses he would give her every year for the last 55 years for Valentine's Day. This year she gave the roses.) The sanctuary was packed. I estimate close to 200 people packed the little country church. "Because he lives" was sung by a family friend. Everyone joined in for "Shall we gather at the river?", the song my father told me he liked. It reminded me of the lake house, since he always referred to it as going to the the "river". The interment service was beautifully executed and very moving. The playing of "Taps" on the bugle finally got me. The pall bearers were all his nephews and great nephews, nine of them, wearing white rose boutineer, that were removed and placed on the coffin. "Amazing Grace" was sung acapella, with a few spontaneously joining in. It was simple a beautiful memorial to commemorate a wonderful man. He will be greatly missed by many. He once told my mother if he died on a Monday, bury him on Tuesday, and start living again on Wednesday. And bury him in a plain pine box. I think he would have approved.

In Passing

My father passed away this morning. My mother had checked his blood pressure and oxygen level around 4:15 am and all was fine. She dozed off and awoke around 5:20 am and checked his blood pressure again and there was none. She called my sister and I about 15 minutes till 6 am. I came right over. We waited on the Hospice nurse to come and pronounce him. We waited for the funeral home to come and collect him. The nurse and I destroyed the medicines that were left (or unused). My mother and I made phone calls to various family members starting at 7 am. My sister arrived before he had been removed. She was shocked and distraught at that, but I couldn't get to the door in time to stop her from bursting in. She has a thing about that. She won't even pay respects before they close a casket. Never has. Never will I guess. The rest of the morning was an endless parade of well wishing family and friends. We did finally get away for the afternoon to go make the arrangements at the funeral home. Tomorrow my mother and I will go to the cemetery to finish up that process.

The visitation is from 1 to 2:30 at Siler Presbyterian Church in Wesley Chapel. Followed immediately by the service in the sanctuary. Internment service will be at 3:30 at Lakeland Memorial Park on highway 200 in Monroe.

It's now after 9pm. I'm exhausted and so is my mother. I'm spending the night here with her. The house is eerily quiet without the hum of the oxygen generator in the background. I've ran between my house and hers four times today, to shower or change clothes or check on Izzy. Last night as I went out the door, I yelled to my father, "I love you." He answered back, "I love you too." I didn't know it would be for the last time.

(Work has given me 5 paid days off. Monday thru Friday. I was already scheduled to be off Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I'll return to work next Tuesday.)

Daddy Update

I got a phone call this morning from my mother about 7:20 am. My father had fell outside on the steps and she thought he was dying. I rushed over, running stoplights and breaking speed limits in the process. I found her holding his head in her lap on the back steps. He was unresponsive, gasping for breath. We managed to get him moved back into the house and laid on the floor. I held him while my mother got the blood pressure cuff. His breathing turned rapid and shallow. I asked her to turn on the overhead light so I could see if his pupils would react. They did. I found his pulse to be slow but strong. His skin was very pale. He was bleeding from a really bad 5 inch scrap on his arm and elbow. I called Hospice and had someone come out. My mother called 911 to help us get him off the floor and into the bed. I was afraid I would hurt him if I manhandled him myself. After about 40 minutes, he regained consciousness. He was talking, albeit, very lowly. He recalled what happened and where he was. Shortly after, 3 EMT's showed up and moved him to the bed. (One was very handsome!) Another rescue unit showed up to transport him if needed, though I had already told the dispatcher it wasn't necessary since he was under Hospice care and a DNR. An hour after all this started, the nurse showed up and made her assessment. My sister arrived from Salisbury, 60 miles away (she was told he was dead). My Aunt and Uncle showed up upon hearing from other relatives that Fire and Rescue was at he house. Same for the Deacon and his wife hearing of it the same way. They also passed it along to minster for the rest of the congregation. I came home briefly to let the dog out and returned since my sister was there and my father was lucid once again. My brother in law and 2 nephews are en route. My niece is away at a dance competition. I will go back this evening for a few hours.

My mother was asking for feedback and suggestions about the funeral arrangements when things calmed down. All things being as they are, it appears that it will be needed soon. The final grains of sand are falling. There aren't many left...

Happy Valentine's Day

Wishing everyone a very Happy Valentine's Day!

Well Digging

I enjoy listening to my parents tell of growing up. My grandparents too, when they were alive. I marvel at how simple times were then. At how hard working people were because their survival depended on it. Most people in the community were in the same boat. Uneducated, poor, no telephones, no tv's, nothing. Just each other, friends and the community to fall back on. There was no central air or heat. No swimming pools, no indoor plumbing, no wall to wall carpeting. Yet they have persevered. The next generation went to school. Most left the farm to work in factories in town. Some bought the first cars in the area. Others the first refrigerator. Or maybe even the first washing machine. They moved into small, but comfortable brick homes instead of drafty wooden farmhouses. They had telephones and tv's eventually. The small community culture evolved and adaptable not without resistance but it made forward strides.

I recall my parents talking about a hand dug well we had on our property. It was about 60 feet deep, rock lined with a concrete curb about the top open to the sky when my parents purchased the place. My mother had gone back to school to become a registered nurse while I had started my freshman year of high school. She took a sample to be tested to school for a project. I remember her telling us over dinner one night, that the instructor commented, "I hope your family doesn't use that well. " We had a big kick out of that. Of course we had a nice modern well dug, by modern equipment that was over 200 feet deep, with a tank and an electric pump. We had purchased my father's boyhood home place. My mother and father great grand fathers' had dug the well together. Little did they suspect that one day their descendants would marry and purchase the well together. I guess that is why they didn't have it filled when the new place was built, but honored it with new curbing, a new roof and a cover that protected the well (and us from falling in.).

I remember the days that daddy and I worked on it. I recall the conversations we had about the old place as we nailed down the new asphalt shingles on the roof. I loved the feeling of being tied to the land through out family history. I loved that they used the salvaged brick from fireplace of the old house to build the new fireplace. That they saved some of the old hand sawned timbers from the place to use again. I loved the stories of how even as kids my parents knew one another. Their families for generations back knew one another and regularly lent a hand around the farms. From raising a barn or corn crib, to picking a field of cotton together. I was always amazed at how hard they worked, how hard times were, yet none went hungry, or went without medical care or discipline or time for fun or just being a kid. That's a legacy I'm proud of.

I look at my sister and her family. They have worked hard too. The kids not so much. The oldest is now 16. Before he got his license, they had already purchased him a Jeep with leather seats, sunroof, etc. The family had already been on trips to Aruba, Hawaii, Jamaica and the Virgin Islands. The kids each have their new iPhones, their iPods, Facebook pages, video games and more clothes than can ever be worn. They just installed a new swimming pool because the lake house is too far away at 10 miles to visit on a whim. I can't help but wonder how they kids will turn out. Yeah, they are smart, polite, well mannered, but what about those traits like honor, hard work, and simple face to face interaction with others. At their grandparents, all I see is them playing video games, texting or watching tv or even napping. Very little interaction with my parents.

I think of how the world has changed. I think of how my life has changed. There was a time when you knew exactly who you could count on if needed. It use to be anyone in the community would lend a hand for any reason. From digging a well to harvesting a crop. Then it became family and friends if you needed them you could call them. Now, it is whittled down to family. That is only possible if they are physically able and still around to do so. Sometimes it can only be financial help because that is all that is possible. How did we move from being tied to the land and community with history to the latest trend in electronics connecting us to people who can't even text, email, call or "poke" as a depth of measure of your friendship? Who do I know that would help me dig my well? Sadly, no one.

Monday Tease

Things are looking up...

Sometimes people go from what you want to what you need and getting there depends on the time you spend interacting with them. ~ Ultra Dave

A Non-update Update

Things are still unchanged on the home front for the most part. No interest in the old home place and the trailer is still standing for the moment. My parents are doing relatively well. The doctor said my father's pneumonia is finally cleared up. He is still weak and thin and relies on my mother an awful lot. He goes for a CT scan in a few weeks to see if the cancer is spreading. We are a bit anxious about that. I'm finally making some headway financially. I actually have gotten a few more pieces of jewelry out of the pawn shop and caught up a few bills. Next check should be free and clear of any bills for a change. Woohoo! I'm still attempting to get into a regular exercise routine instead of the hit or miss I've been doing. Thankfully, I haven't gained any weight back through the holidays and parental stress. I've been able to fit into more of my old clothes, so that makes me happy. Work is work. I'm still waiting on the final word for my FMLA status. That has been a long drawn out process in itself. I'm glad the holidays are over, inventory is finished and all the returns are drawing to a close. I've been tweaking the resume to send out soon. Still want a better paying job with a better schedule.Izzy is still the best dog ever and I love on him everyday. Tommy is still Tommy and who knows if we are friends or not sometimes. Whatever. I just go with the flow when it concerns him. Jessica and I went to Chilli's last Saturday after work and had a great time with another coworker Lu Anne. It was unplanned but fun to break my routine of work, home or parents everyday. Richard, the cute guy that moved to Delaware last year, text me Happy New Year. So did Jim. Things are still slow with Jim. Not sure where that is headed. I'm just playing it by ear. I'm not waiting on him and I do chat with other guys in the interim. My social life could use some improvement. So could my sex life. I'm use to it so it isn't that big a deal. It will happen when it happens. So far so good this year. Overall, I'm happier than Ive been in a while despite it all. 2012 is gonna be an ok year I think. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

"The only oppression hate groups of any stripe feel is the weight of their own ignorance and bigotry." ~ Ultra Dave

Question

Is it possible (or practical) to base a relationship solely on physical attraction and work on the trust and honesty later (and I assume all the other personality traits as well)? Or is looking for the personality traits first and let the attraction grow from there?

An acquaintance of mine believes the first. I believe the latter. My reasoning is the personality traits rarely change where as the physical body does over time. And the fact that my taste in men are so varied, where as his seem to be a clearly defined “type”.

Another Gone

My Uncle R.B. died suddenly of a massive heart attack on Thursday while driving. He was always a nice guy to everyone. He ran a grocery store for years in Monroe. The little corner store kind, that carried everything and knew his regulars by name. He was my Aunt Hazel's second husband and she couldn't have been happier. He did everything for her. Fill the car with gas, took care of the bills, bought her gifts for no reason. He was a very wealthy man through his business and real estate holdings, but you would never know it. They lived simple lives, nothing lavish, just comfortable. He will be missed. The funeral is Monday.


(This is the third relative to pass this year. Rest in peace, Uncle Russell, Uncle R.B. and Great Aunt Ona.)

Happy New Year

Wishing all my loyal readers a
wonderful 2012

New Year Wishes

1. World Peace
2. Get in shape
3. Quit smoking again
4. Get a better paying job with better hours
5. Spend time with parents
6. Win the Lottery Jackpot
7. Find a man
8. Make new friends
   

Year in Review

What a crap filled year this has been. I'm glad it is almost over. Thought I would waltz through all the craptastic events of the year.

• Daddy developed lung cancer
• Daddy was in the hospital twice for pneumonia
• My great Aunt Ona passed
• My Uncle Russell passed
• My Uncle R.B. passed
  
• No offers on my parent's old place
  
• I pawned all my jewelry to just pay bills
• I was moved from Fine Jewelry department to Watches/Accessories
• My transmission will not stay in drive
• My power has been turned off twice
• Tommy has issues
  
• Phillip can't commit to anything apparently
• Jim hasn't taken much initiative in things
• I've only had a few paycheck to break $300
• I scratched my eyeball in my sleep and had to go the the ER
• I need glasses that even with insurance I can't afford
• I had to replace the floor in the bathroom
• I still have a hole in the floor of the bedroom
  
• My toilet still doesn't work properly
• Now there is a leak in the shower
• I'm still broke and single
• I'm still overweight
  

Now a few of the highlights:

• I did get one piece of jewelry out of the pawn shop
• I still have my job
• I still have a place to live
• I still have a car to drive
• Neither of my parents are dead yet
• I'm not dead yet
• I still have my wonderful dog Izzy to come home too
• My health is fine
• I did lose a few pounds over the year
  

2012 had better be nice to me before I snap!

Mourning

This is something I've been wanting to post about for a while now, but given the loss of Tommy's mother back in June and my father's health issues, and I have the time at the moment, I figured I would do it now, rather than later.

I've lost many friends, fifteen to be exact, that I was close to and some not so close. I've lost all four of my grandparents. As well as, 2 Uncles and a great Aunt this year alone. So suffice it to say, I know something about loss and grieving. I realize it is a different process for each individual. I know there are stages to mourning and coming to terms with a loss. I know there isn't a definite time frame for it to subside. All I can speak to is how the process went for me.

There is always the sadness, no matter how close or distant the person was to you, or for how long you may have known them. There is the sense of loss, that there is a place left empty in your life that they once filled. There is the time spent crying even after you think the process has long since ended. There are the flood of memories that seem to keep you on the edge of tears, sometimes for years. There are the times of the year that are associated with certain people. Certain places too. There are words, phrases, movies, commercials, songs, you name it, that will bring back memories and the sadness and that void will resurface. Honestly, I can say it never goes away. Ever. It will fade and become more infrequent as time passes. The profound sadness will slowly be replaced with comfortable melancholy followed by a warm, fuzzy feeling of nostalgia. But it never leaves you completely. Just as their lives ended, you begin to realize the impact they made on yours. The subtle things you remember. Their likes and dislikes, shared jokes, and all those memories you made together will suddenly have become like little life preservers. There when you need them the most in some event that you wish the person was present for and it will somehow seem ok again.

In my experiences, I cried a lot and often but mostly it was a deep feeling of loss. I cried till I had a headache. I cried till I ran out of tears. I cried till I fell asleep. I knew I had lost something special from my life. I had the feelings of anger and regret. The times you wanted to scream at their passing and then laugh uncontrollably at something you recall about a time shared. Mostly I got through it by talking about it to others. Sometimes even myself out loud at home. I wrote about it in a journal. I wrote poems. I didn't keep it in. I expressed it and shared it. In doing so, it helped the loneliness I felt, the bitterness at their departure and the constant reminder of those absences of those that passed. It helped clear the air in a way and certainly my mind. I was strong when needed but allowed myself the privilege of letting go and letting someone else help with the burden. It still took as long as it was going to take. No way that I know to speed that up.

With each death, I learned something new about myself and my relationship with that person. The most valuable lesson was how to live myself. I now take more pictures. Take more time for conversation. Take more time for anything that involves another person I'm close too. I learned how to be unselfish with myself because my friends and family need me, even for something as small as a quick conversation or a major project. I learned all to well you never know when it could be the last time you see them. It could be the last conversation you have with them or the last time you said hello or goodbye. I make more of an effort at maintaining friendships. I let a lot of things slide with friends that maybe I shouldn't, but they will never know. Friendships and family mean that much to me. I go the extra distance if need be. I don't want regrets for something I didn't do or say. (I had a few of those to deal with. ) I want to look back from now on and know I didn't stop living because they are gone. I truly live now after their passing in their honor. I try to make everyday count, no matter how small the scale may be. Everything matters to someone, sometime, somewhere, somehow, whether you are aware of it at that moment, whether you are in the mood for it. I didn't stop living, or put my life on hold to grieve. I carried on and did what I could and never let it stop me. It was just another item on my to do list. So if I can, I make the effort, regardless of my frame of mind or what ever else I may be personally dealing with. My friends and family are just that important to me. Someday that may very will be a defining moment in your friendship and one of your fondest memories when they are gone. Cause even in their passing, they never really leave you.

Christmas Musings

I remember growing up the anticipation leading up to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was a wonderful time to be a kid. I remember not being that shocked or disappointed that there really wasn't a Santa. I recall many gifts from parents and grandparents that I adored. Funny, I don't recall ever being after the latest and greatest toy of season. I was always happy with whatever I got. I'm still that way. Any time someone ask me what I want, I say nothing and I really mean it. I have enough stuff. Enough clothes, of all sizes, enough knick knacks to fill a couple of houses. I don't need any more. I will usually relent when pushed and just say wine and/or money. There never seems to be enough of either of those here. Maybe it's the 22 years in retail and being assaulted earlier every year with Christmas music and decorations in the workplace for 8 hours or more. Maybe it is the over spending I see this time of the year or the horror stories of shopping excursions gone bad. Maybe I'm just jaded and cynical in my middle age. But Christmas seems more of a chore and less joyful than it did in my 30's or before. It is always a hassle to pick the right gift, or find a way to afford something that no one in my family really needs. The last few years I've stopped decorating. It is more trouble than it is worth to me. I have to move Hell and half of Georgia to make room for the tree. I'm rarely home long enough to enjoy it. I don't have company over that would see or appreciate it. And the dog really don't care one way or the other. So why bother? Don't get me wrong, I love the festive lights and the shiny, sparkly ornaments. I'm happy others enjoy it. Yeah, for them. To me it is a paid day off. As far as the religion part goes, I don't buy into it wholeheartedly. It seems all the shopping and decorating and overspending has really upsurped the supposed meaning of the holiday. I'd rather hang with family and friends on this day, with the twinkling lights, good food and drinks and just enjoy the company. I like it more for that, than a fairytale birth. I partake begrudgingly with the family because they are all about that stuff. And I would never hear the end of it if I missed it. I sit and watch, oh and awe appropriately and count the minutes till I can gracefully leave. This year at work I went all season and didn't wish a single customer Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. If they wished it upon me, I responded back with a simple, "you too!" and left it at that. When I move into a larger house, whenever that may be, I will put up a tree and lights because I enjoy that part of it. I will entertain friends with seasonal music, twinkling lights and good alcoholic beverages. I will still buy gifts for family because it is expected. But I don't have to go hog wild about. I'll reflect quietly to myself and wonder why I can't keep the decorations up year round and start thinking about the New Year.

Shopping!

I do love to shop and I really enjoy a bargain! I purchased $417 worth of gifts for a mere $146.84 after sales, coupons and my employee discount, tax included. It was a struggle to come up with the money, but doing it a little along the way helped. I'm tickled with the end result and glad it is over with. The only thing I asked for this Christmas was cash. I hope I get enough to get at least a couple of pieces of jewelry out of the pawn shop. That will help my money go a little farther if I'm not paying them every month. I'm hoping next year is better fiscally than this year has been.

Tonight

Quiet wraps me like a tight hug.
In the still and the dark,
my thoughts are of you.
Memories cover me
like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
A content smile upon my lips.
I drift off to sleep,
wishing of dreams of you.
Hoping you will dream of me too.

Wishing all my loyal readers a wonderful and safe holiday season!

I Didn't

I didn’t want to see you naked. I wanted to admire your masculine beauty.

I didn’t want to have sex with you. I wanted to make love to you.

I didn't want to intrude upon your life. I wanted to take care of you.

I didn’t expect to bond so deeply with someone, but I did.

I didn’t expect you to fulfill my every need, but you were a friend.

I didn’t expect to miss you so much, but I do.

I didn’t expect to ache at the loss, but knowing it doesn’t effect you the same, makes my soul scream.

I don’t suspect it will subside any time soon but I soldier on in hopes it does.

Joy To The World

Amazing how the heart strings can be plucked from time to time, to remind us of what is real and human. Seems that Christmas brings it to the surface for me more than any other holiday. Maybe it is a song, a commercial or a plea for a charitable donation. Whether it is the music, the sentiment or the imagery used, it brings a tear to the eye, a lump to the throat and a swelling to the heart. After these events you just want the world to find peace and the down trodden to find comfort. You wanna hug someone. You want to believe the world can be a better place. You want to spread love and good cheer where ever you go. Wouldn't it be nice to feel like that every moment of every day?

Bah Hum Bug

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. There are too many things weighting me down I guess to give into commercial frivolity and consumerism. Concerns about my parents and money are the tops of the list. Macy's really fucked up my budget for the month with their Thanksgiving/Black Friday bullshit. I hate worrying week after week, month after month, about gas to get to work or how to pay some bill or if I'll be able to get my jewelry out of the pawn shop or whatever else pops up. My normal happy go lucky disposition has been replaced with cynicism and a chronic case of I just don't give a shit any more. Sadly I don't see this ending before the year is out. Now Christmas is upon us and I need to spend even a few dollars on gifts for people that really don't need a damn thing just to not feel bad myself and not guilty for receiving anything they give me. What a crock! I had planned to do Christmas cards this year, but can't afford that either. I honestly had more money when I was unemployed. I've only seen 1 or 2 checks this year over $300 after taxes and deductions. If there is one wish I have for Christmas this year, it would be to win the lottery. I know I should be wishing for my father's health to improve but even if it did, money would still be an issue. At least he would pass knowing my bills are paid and I have a roof over my head and I could take care of my mother regardless of what happens. Maybe along with becoming cynical, I've become pragmatic as well. If next year is this bad money wise, I'm gonna start selling drugs and take my chances.

Finally

Jim and I spent the night together at his place last night. I've been wanting to do that since I met him October 2! He is very sweet. Very good in bed too! I enjoyed myself immensely. So did he. We kissed and cuddled and...well, you get the idea. Since it was the first time together, we didn't go "all the way". I have to have deep feelings for someone before I go there. While, I am very fond of him, and do enjoy his company, I'm not ready for that just yet. It was so nice to spoon and wake up next to someone. Hope there are more opportunities in the near future. Of course with the holidays and the crazy hours at Macy's and taking care of things for the parents, I never know. I'll just play it by ear.