What's on my Mind

Last night, as I was falling asleep, a thought occurred to me. Since the death of so many of my dear friends, I have spent the last several years planning what I want to do with my life instead of actually living it. It reminded my of several universal truths that I've seemed to have overlooked or forgotten.

• The first is: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. How can I hope and plan for change if I do nothing to bring it about.
• The second is : Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it merely changes form. I can't change who I am, but I can control who I become.
• Thirdly: Mass in motion will continue to move in a straight line until acted upon by an outside force. If I don't like the direction of my life, it is up to me to apply the force necessary to change it.

I spent many years in solitude, mourning my friends, cutting myself off from making new ones, insulating myself from the pain and loneliness if felt. I planned a life that would hopefully lead me away from all that, but in essence reinforced it. I've finally realized that. I know loss is inevitable. It is the natural rhythm of life. Having never fully dealt with all the loss from friends I never had the chance to say good bye to placed me in a very dark place. I have struggled with depression for many years, through many medications. Thankfully the last visit to the shrink lead to a major break through. I never fully processed the losses. It has feed my depression. Of course other circumstances had their hand in it as well.

Somehow, I escaped all this by planning the perfect life. Deciding I had to be perfect in the process to ensure that it would never happen to me again. The problem with that is twofold. It sets lofty, unobtainable standards that set you up for failure and feeds the cycle of depression. Secondly, there is no way to be a living, breathing, fully functioning adult and not experience loss or pain on some level at some point in your life. There in is the truth. The change I seek, I had possessed all along. It came from within. Through all the reading of self help, mysticism, religious, meditation, esoteric books I had read and practices I adopted, the answer was there. I saw it, but didn't truly understand it. Why do I now? I guess it was time. If you find yourself in a similar place in your life, don't fret it away like I did. I don't consider the time wasted. I learned a great many thing about a lot of things that interest me. I just didn't fully embrace the truth or put it into practice. Let's see where this leads now that my eyes are truly opened.