New Year's Wish List

My goals for 2013 or what I hope transpires in the coming new year....

• Find a better paying job
• Continue to get into shape
• Move
• Get jewelry out of pawn shop (finally)
• Have a boyfriend

Short and sweet and to the point. Nothing grandiose and all obtainable. Control the controllable and make it happen!

Happy New Year!

Wishing everyone a healthy and

Happy New Year!

Year End Clearance

As 2012 draws to a close, I look back and wonder how I got through it. There has been so much bad this year and so little to celebrate. Somehow, though, I found joy in the smallest of things and learned to dig deep within to find veins of resiliency I didn't know I possessed. I made it being strong my motto this year. I had to be emotionally strong for my mother after my father passed away. I had to be spiritually strong for myself, family and friends that faced hardships throughout the year. I decided to become physically stronger by getting serious about my weight loss and working out at the gym. There are many things, both good and bad, that I never posted about here. They were just too personally or too painful. I look forward to 2013. There are many changes already coming down the pike that I am aware of and surely some that will catch me by surprise. Regardless of how or when they arrive in the new year, I'll face them head on with as must resolve as I can muster. I refuse to give up or give in. Bad things will always happen. There will always be something to challenge the way you live, think or do things. The trick is to adapt quickly, regroup and move on. I have great hope that 2013 will be a stellar year for me to move forward on many fronts in my life. I'm ready. Bring it!

Merry Christmas!

Wishing each of my readers a

wonderful and safe

Holiday Season!

Sports Oops!

Not so much of an "oops" as an "oohhhh"!

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a comforting Holiday Season!

Um, Ok

Busy! Busy! Busy!
That is the only way to describe things at the moment. My work schedule is hectic and playing havoc with getting anything else accomplished, though I have managed to keep up my exercise time at the gym. This week, I'm scheduled for 54 hours! A far cry from the norm of only 35. These 10 hour days aren't too bad, but require lots of prep work and planning to make sure everything is taken care of before I leave home. I been hitting the gym anywhere from 230am to 5am in an effort to keep on track for my goals. I also try to get back home for 30 minutes to an hour so Izzy, isn't here for longer than 12 hours by himself. It makes me sad to leave him inside that long, but there isn't anything I can do about it. He seems to understand and has been so sweet. I'm off today, so I'll spend a lot of time with him to make up for it.

My mother is having a hard time with this holiday. She is stressing and missing my father something fierce. I wish I could spend more time with her, but work is getting in the way. This year, we will be going to my sister's house for Christmas, so we will be trying to squeeze that trip into an already hectic day. My sister thought it would help out my mother and her mother in law, who lost her oldest son a few months ago, to not have to worry with readying the house and meals at their respective homes. Maybe it will help. It seems to have taken a little of the joy away from my mother though, but she agreed to go and hasn't changed her mind, though asked several times. We'll see.

I'm anxiously awaiting the new schedule for the week of Christmas. I need to know what my hours are for Christmas Eve. I'm going to Midnight Mass with Tommy and I need to squeeze in a visit with my mother as well, since it will be her first without my father. I'm trying to make everybody happy. I just hope we close at a decent time and I'm off or either scheduled to leave earlier than closing that day. Of course, I have to have a little time with the dog as well before running off somewhere else that night after working too.

My Christmas shopping is coming along nicely. I'm almost finished with only 3 left to purchase. This year's budget was a stretch, but I've managed to find some good bargains on the stuff I was wanting to give. I should be finished by this Friday and have everything wrapped by Tuesday, my next day off.

I'll be glad when this year is over. It has been rough and tested me in so many ways. I'm just glad to have made it this far.......

How It Goes

Well, Thanksgiving has come an gone. I gave thanks, enjoyed a brief 2 hours with the family before heading home to sleep before work at 4am, and now thankful it is over with. It seemed really weird without my father. It was obvious my mother was making a strained effort to seem cheerful. I'm sure she was enjoying it some with the grand kids present, but was still missing my father.

I'm sure this Thanksgiving was hard on my brother in law too. He lost his brother in a small engine plane crash last month. I was glad to finally get to offer my condolences in person since Macy's wouldn't allow me to take the time off for the funeral. I felt really bad about not being able to attend. His brother had been a pilot for years and owned several small planes. The investigation revealed that the fuel tank had a small leak that caused the crash. Witnesses backed up that claim saying they heard the plane sputter and stall before the crash. His family is devastated. And they were already dealing with his father's failing health. His father is going through the same as mine did with lung cancer and emphysema.

The traffic in the store was a little off, sluggish even. Underwhelming to be exact, but not surprising given how early some of the sales started in our store. Only a hand full of coworkers met or exceeded their sales goals for the day, mostly the ones that were scheduled mid morning or later. Us early birds, didn't get close. Overall the store did ok, but still missed it's sales goal. I think that was a first for a Black Friday. Saturday and Sunday wasn't much better sales or traffic wise.

I've been going to the gym regularly since Nov. 5. I'm seeing a little bit of change in some areas, but still a ways to go. I have went from 166 pounds to 170 pounds. I'm hoping that gain is in muscle and not fat. My eating habits haven't changed much, except for eating a little more lean protein to help build muscle. It's my understanding that the body can gain muscle at about the same rate as it can lose fat, given proper diet and nutrition, which is usually 1 to 2 pounds a week. I certainly hope that is correct. Some body parts aren't as jiggly as they once were, but still aren't as solid and tight as I want.  While my stomach is far from flat, my ab workouts have been drawing in my gut a little. Still need to lose a little fat left in that area. My arms and pecs are grower tighter, but haven't haven't seen real growth yet. My butt muscles are sore from all the exercises I'm putting them through, but far from being as firm as melons yet. That will come in time for all the areas I'm targeting. So far, so good......

Giving Thanks

This will be the first Thanksgiving without my father around. Ten months have passed and it still doesn't seem real. I'm thankful that he suffered little before his passing. I'm thankful that he was interested in my life and who I was as person. I'm thankful that he cared enough to teach me meaningful skills to carry with me through my life. I thankful he was there whenever and for whatever I needed. I'm thankful that my parents managed to stay together for 55 years. I thankful for so many conversations about the important things in life and the trivial. I'm thankful of all the wanna be fathers out there I could have wound up with, that I was adopted by him and my mother. I'm thankful that my parents gave so much of themselves in raising me and my sister, to make us who we are today. I'm thankful for having such loving parents to call my own.

I'm thankful for the job at Macy's when I so desperately needed one after two years of searching. I'm thankful even for the low pay and screwy schedules as they have help be become less wasteful with my time and money. I thankful that through Macy's I'm made 3 incredible friendships; Tommy, Theresa and Jessica.

I'm thankful for the horrible periods in my life I've endured and rose above. I'm thankful for friendships that have extended from my childhood  into adulthood. I thankful for my health and the drive to improve my body, my mind and my spirit. I'm thankful that I've even got to have sex a few times this year.

I'm thankful for having transportation. I'm thankful for having a roof over my head. I'm thankful for my dog, Izzy, who loves me unconditionally. I'm thankful I kept my smaller clothes. I'm thankful for a cheap gym to join. I'm thankful for family I rarely get to see, but are there when you really need them.

I'm just thankful period. I may not have it all, but I have what I need when I need it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Routines & Habits

Granted it has only been a little over a week since I joined the gym, but starting to feel the effects, more so than see them at this point. My muscles in my arms, chest and legs are feeling tighter, and that's a good thing. Noticeably, visible results will take a little longer. I'm making going to the gym a daily habit. On days I'm scheduled to work, I do the weights with about 15 minutes of cardio to warm up the muscles and get the blood flowing. On my days off of work, I only do cardio for about 45 minutes. I vary the times I go according to my work schedule, so far, it has turned out to be mostly before work in the mornings. I like that best because it gets me going for the whole day. I do a complete circuit on the machines that work the muscle groups I'm focusing on. I rarely encounter anyone using a machine I need. The few times I have, I skip to the next and then come back when they are finished. I do three sets, with reps varying from 5 to 15, depending on the exercise and the weight used. Surprisingly, I've retained more strength than I thought I had. The first set is the heaviest weights. Second set is 10 pounds lighter and the third set is either lighter or back up to the original weight of the first set, depending on the exercise. Some of the machines are exercises I can do at home, but since the gyms is configured differently, it makes the exercise a little more difficult than I'm use to as it works the muscle group in a different fashion. I usually have to use a little lower weight than I'm use to because of it, but that's ok. I make sure I drink water while doing my circuit. I have a light breakfast before going, unusually a couple pieces of toast or yogurt, then eat a little more when I return home. My goal is to only build slightly more muscle with the emphasis on tone and definition. Hence the lower weights for the other sets. The first week I sweated like a whore in church, now not as much, though still a healthy amount. I'm curious as to what visible results I'll see after a month...

Sports Oops!

Yeah, I got a pole to throw....

Monday Tease

I'll hold that for ya!

Body is a Wonderland

Yeah, hoping to turn it into a theme park actually.....hehe.

I joined a local Planet Fitness gym Sunday. While I have a home gym, I've maxed out the weights on some exercises and others I  want to do just can't be done at home without the proper equipment. For $10 a month, I get the opportunity, some social interaction, and free advice, plus it is nice to be around other like minded people too for inspiration. So far I have learned that the max on my equipment at home isn't always the same at the gym. Who knew right? It's all good, though at first, it kinda freaked me out. I thought I had lost a lot of muscle mass. Turns out it is just the range of motion of the machines that works the muscles a little differently than mine, hence, not as strong in that way.

Of course my goals remain the same. To tone up over all (no jiggly parts!) I want to build my chest a little more and have better defined pecs. I want bigger biceps. I'd like to grow them to about 16" or 18" (hoping). I want to flatten my stomach, maybe even get my abs back. And of course, tighten, tone my butt so it is bubble like once again. All on my little wish list is doable. It's only a question of time and dedication. I chose this gym, not only for it's cheap price, but it is open 24/7! It meshes well with the weird scheduling at Macy's, especially here at the holidays. I'll keep y'all posted. Wish me well!

Another Year

Today would have been my parents 56th anniversary.

Happy Halloween Y'all!

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

Sports Oops

I like the new team uniforms...

Cool Breeze

I'm digging the Autumnal weather. I love the coolness in the morning that last till around noon. I love the fact that I can be outside in a sweater without actually sweating. I love that I can wear wool and be comfortable. I love that the car's warmth is inviting and not sweat inducing. I love the change in the color of the leaves. I love the crunch of leaves as I walk the dog. I love the coming holidays with all the loving memories they hold. I can't wait for the first frost, the way it sparkles on the grass in the early morning light. I can't wait for a cool drizzly day to sit bundled up on the couch with the dog, just staring out the window as the visible sign of change takes place. I look forward to our first snowfall of the year. I really love the cooler weather, even the cold weather is great. I like not sweating doing outdoor stuff. But the best part is wearing layers of clothes in wool, cashmere or heavy cotton, that feels like a warm hug.

"I don't fear change. I fear not changing." ~ Ultra Dave

New Pics

Me at 166 pounds

Conspiring Fates

I actually had a very unexpected pleasant weekend. It seems that things that were planned morphed into something even better. Saturday was the annual White Party but I wasn't planning on going. I had toyed with the idea but since last year was so disastrous, I figured maybe the After Party if anything at all. I was scheduled to work Saturday till 630 anyway, so the timing was good. I mentioned it to Tommy a while back and didn't think of it again. As the day approached, my budget just couldn't handle it and put it out of my mind. Tommy contacted me Wednesday and wanted me to help him plan a party for Saturday before the After Party. Of course I said I would. I went Friday night and helped clean up, and ready the place. To be cleaning up and being all domesticated, we actually had a good time. We heated up a pizza and opened some Coronas and commenced to cleaning and talking and listening to music, just having a great time, really! I advertised my shift for Saturday and someone picked it up that morning at 9am. Tommy called me to ask if I minded if he cancelled it because a friend of his had gotten invitations to the White Party. Then he asked if I wanted to go and we would meet at his house for cocktails before we left. I said yes.( Thankfully, early in the season, I had already purchased some white pants just in case I did go.)

We got ready....much tamer this time around....I was dressed and downstairs before him as his friends arrived at the front door. I let them in, got glasses and poured martinis that Tommy had made earlier from a pitcher. The look on their faces was priceless. One somewhere between a pleasant shock and awe. It was our first time meeting, and I knew he was close to them, so I wanted to charm them. (I already knew I looked good, lol) We chatted, laughed, probed, and drank....a very nice time. We all drove separate cars, cause no one was sure what exactly they may or may not feel like doing.

We had a blast! I drank, danced and hung out with the three of them. His friends were very warm and welcoming. I had a great time. I actually ran into Mike (the one who said there was no connection but we still chat like friends. He actually told me he seeing someone from Rock Hill the day before when we chatted. I wished him well, and hoped it worked out for him.) And I ran into Jerry (who come to find out knew all the ones I was with because they all do country line dancing together. We went out once too on a date but haven't really stayed in touch, though I tried, he made little effort to.) Imagine my surprise that they were dating each other! OH LORD! I smiled at them. Made small talk. I had no ill will against either. It wasn't awkward since I hadn't slept with either one. We only kissed good night on each of our respective dates. I think the oddest thing was while Tommy, Mike and Jerry all watched (intently, I may add) while I was dancing with a lesbian. I was getting down, having myself a blast, sweating like crazy! I catch their eyes watching me every once in a while.

Tommy really surprised me these last month or so. He actually picked up hours at Macy's. We have done lunch several times, chatted like never before. He purchase a gift for me, as a friend I'm sure. Gave me a DVD player since mine broke. Has introduced me to his friends, his neighbor, and his brother. He has been considerate, thoughtful and more sensitive. He has even offered me a spare room at his house, if I need a place to stay because of the issues with my place. He is actually being a good friend! Unbelievable!

So my weekend was awesome! I had fun! Made new friends! Saw some old ones! And I hope, made a few old dates a little envious that they lost out on me!

Remembering 9/11

When I think of what happened on this day in 2001, I still tear up and get a lump in my throat....the horror of it all is still hard to wrap my head around. I doubt it will ever go away....On that day, we truly knew that heroes walk among us. 

We knew we had an enemy. We knew that no day that followed would ever be the same. We learned how strong and resilient America really is. We learned what patriotism truly is. America had never been tested like such since Pearl Harbor. 

We survived. We grew stronger. Our heroes are real.

My Weekend Adventure

Well, my Labor Day weekend kinda sucked! I had great plans for it. A naked pool party Saturday,  haircut, trip to the grocery and liquor stores,  time with my mother and some chores for her and a few around my house. Didn't turn out quite like I had hoped. I woke up Saturday and ran the the convenience store to purchase a soda. My debit card was declined. The little screen said card expired. I asked about a new card the first of August when I was in a branch making a deposit. I called again on the 15th. I was assured my new card would arrive before the end if the month. It did not. I was busy making plans and thinking about my father I suppose, it didn't dawn on me that I still haven't received it yet. So I was stuck with only a half a tank of gas, no money in my wallet, and plans that required some funding! I was pissed! I went on over to my mother's to get started on chores for her. She was kind enough to pay me for them this time. So to save the little money and gas I had, I didn't go to the pool party. It's over 70 miles away from my house. I didn't go to the grocery or liquor stores or get a haircut either.
I did get in touch with a friend and helped him and his partner build a platform bed Saturday and Sunday. They even treated me to dinner for helping them at a hamburger joint in Monroe, I had never visited. It was very good burgers, though I rarely eat red meat these days.
Sunday evening I went to have dinner with my mother. It was nice to sit and chat a while. She is such a good cook too! I was stuffed on chicken, green beans, corn and fried okra! Yum! After I left her house, I went to visit Bill in Rock Hill, about 33 miles from my house according to Mapquest. I've been chatting with him for almost a month now and it was time to meet. I had some money and some gas and it wasn't that far away.
We had a great time. He is so much more handsome in person than his pics. We watched a couple of shows on PBS and sat on the couch with his dogs.........just a simple, nice evening. I left about 10:30 to come home since I had to work Monday morning at 9am.
We hugged and kissed goodbye. I had better direction in hand he had written out for me and there was a gas station just down the street.
Well that station was closed, but I stopped at another and put in some to get me home. I somehow missed a turn in the dark on those country roads. I drove and drove and drove. I was so freaking lost! I had very few minutes on my phone left since my debit card was expired and wouldn't work. I was now on an 1/8th tank of gas, in the middle of no where, no idea where I was at......it was very late and hardly no traffic, no houses or even businesses lining the roadsides! I was near panic! I finally found a gas station, asked for directions and was soon headed in the right direction. Thankfully, after much cussing and nail biting!
I arrived back at my house at 12:35am. I had put 145 miles on my car for a simple 66 miles round trip. My gas needle was on the red line when I pulled in the driveway. I was so glad to be home! I took Izzy out and went straight to bed!
The good thing is, it worked out. I wasn't stranded. I wasn't totally out of minutes or money. I was just alone in the dark in a strange place but I made it. It seemed to be a physical metaphor for my life at the moment. There seemed to be a lesson to learn. Ask for help early on and avoid the drama later down the road......Lesson learned!

Happy Birthday Daddy

My father would have been 75 today.

I love and miss you!

Happy Birthday!

Have a safe and happy Labor Day!

Random Thoughts

The dating scene is growing old now. I'm leary and weary of it. I've met some nice guys, a few I actually though stood a chance of going somewhere. Atlas, nothing has manifested yet. By nothing, I mean someone to date and fall in love with. I'm disappointed but not shocked. I'm intelligent enough to know it can't be placed on a timetable nor does wishing it were so, gonna make it happen. I'm doing my best given my schedule and fiances at the moment. The schedule will only get worse from now till Christmas. Apparently, fiances will too.

Nothing is happening on the job front either. I've applied and applied to jobs and only snagged one interview out of the hundred or so resumes and job applications submitted. Not very promising at all. I had hope to be out of Macy's before Christmas this year. It isn't shaping up that way.

Money is still tight. I still have to ask for a few bucks from my mother it seems weekly. I'm just gonna have to lay it all out with her and hope she can and will help righten the boat. The way it is now, there is nothing I'm current on. I can't get from one week to the next with enough money to cover expenses much less anything extra. I've bounced more checks and paid more late fees in the last 4 months than I have in my entire life. Hence why I'm short ever week it seems. My rarely $300 checks just don't leave much breathing room. No raise this year didn't help either.

Since the break in, I worry about my mother more than I ever did. I wish I didn't have to burden her with my problems. She has enough things going on as it is. She has adapted y well in the six months since my father passed. She still misses him and I'm sure always will till she is gone. There are one or two estate things left to settle and at least that will be out of the way. I wish the old place would sell! That would alleviate so much stress for both of us.

My little trailer is slowly falling apart. I have no money to fix anything and don't want to ask my mother for the money for repairs and catching up bills. The front storm door handle is broken. I can close it from the inside but not reopen it from outside. I've been propping a heavy board against it when I leave so I can get back in. There is a hellious leak under the trailer. I actually turn the water to the trailer on and off as needed. It has damaged the sub floor in several areas. I can feel the ripples when I walk. The toilet and window still need fixing as well as the hole in the bedroom floor. None have ever been repaired. The roof needs to be painted/sealed. My father had discussed it before he passed, but we never got to it with all that was going on. No way in hell, would I ask someone here to hang out.

My jewelry is still in the pawn shop, even the two pieces I had managed to get out in January are back in. I'm worried to death I'm gonna lose it. I'm behind 2 payments but so far, they have been really sweet about working with me. I'm doing my best to hang on till something good happens monetarily. I would hate to lose $15,000 worth of jewelry for a loan of only $600....It makes me physically ill whenever I think about it. But what else can I do?

So I'm hanging on, barely, struggling like so many others, who may be in worse shape than me. I do what I can for myself and my mother. And try not to worry about the rest. I apply for a job when I find one and hope I get lucky. When I have an extra buck or two, I buy  a lottery ticket and hope lady luck smiles on me in a big way. Right now, it would be nice to know exactly when all this will be settled and my mother and I  both can move forward.....

Breaking In

Last Saturday, I was weed eating around the old place......it has been on the market for 2 years now....when I got to the walk out basement side, I noticed the door was not completely closed. I figured maybe a realtor had shown the place and not closed it completely. I figured I just go in and check the place anyway to be safe.
As I went upstairs, the basement door from the hallway was open, which we always kept closed. I went on cautiously, hearing some beeping noise I couldn't identify....I was a bit concerned. As I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen, I realized it was the internal alarm that was beeping. As I rounded the doorway into the kitchen, I realized what the problem was.......
Someone had broken in, cut the alarm wires, turned the power to the house off and removed every kitchen appliance! They removed the new dishwasher that my father and I installed and had never been used! They removed the built in microwave/convention oven! They removed the built in ceramic cooktop! All of it was gone! I tore through the other rooms seeing if anything else was gone or damaged. I went back to the basement to check the furnace and water heater. I checked outside to see if the brand new heat pump was still there. Thankfully, those were still there! I made that dreaded call to my mother to let her know she needed to come over......
She was very upset, crying and angry. I canceled my plans for the afternoon and my date for that night. I finished up the trimming and gave a statement to the officer that came out.
It was a bit surreal. The thieves didn't damage the cabinets, the walls or anything. Just the broken window in the basement. They even moved ta TV on the bench under the window, sat it on the floor, but didn't take it. They took the electrical wiring from my father's workshop to the greenhouse and the grow lights, but left the bulbs neatly on the floor, only breaking one. And the cable from the workshop to the tractor shed. They were very professional. They figured out where the breaker box was and turned it off. They did manage to back into a big bush and leave behind a mud flap to their vehicle.

We have now put up a gate at the driveway. Since the house sits so far from the road they had plenty of time to disconnect everything and not make a mess. Now the place is well lite at night. I'm surprised after 2 years that this hasn't happened sooner. The police are checking out people who have viewed the property.  I'm sure they have been casing the place for a while and knew we aren't there all the time. I'm just glad that my mother hadn't stopped by and walk in on them. That is something new to worry about.

The total cost about $6,000 for the appliance, new gate and repairing the broken window. Overall it could have been much worse.

Weighty Issues

I am now at 169!

Dating, Meh

Well, dating is more difficult than I recall. Guys are flakier too than I recall. Norm and I had a rough start, smoothed out and now, not sure where it is going, if anywhere. The attraction is there, but not much commitment, to even date or get them or whatever. So he is placed on the back burner and I'm moving on. I've met a few other guys, while Norm flounders around trying to make decisions that he can stick to.

Jimmy was a nice guy. Too young (42), too far away (over an hours drive) and positive. Being positive isn't a deal breaker for me, but combined with the other two things just makes it harder to make it work. While cute, nice, and being a good kisser goes a long way in my book, the attraction just wasn't strong enough to give it another shot with all the other things in play.

Lee is the same age as Norm, 55. Butch as all get out, very close by, only 23 miles away. Sadly, he isn't really 5'9"......barefoot, I'm taller than he is. He was fun to hang with, chat with and meet. Most likely, we will remind friends because of our common interest and close proximity. However his schedule is as screwy as mine.

Danny was much more attractive in person than his pics let on. I enjoyed lunch with him and though he is only 5'7", his personality, body and charm made him seem 6' tall! But atlas, he wasn't feeling it on his part. We have stayed in touch and have tentative plans to hang together as friends in the near future. I can certainly use more friends.

I have a few other guys I'm chatting with and could see some meeting in the near future with them. Jerry (a different one), Donn (travels a LOT for his job), Beau (a sweetheart so far), Gary (hot but distance may be an issue), Mark( a good ole country boy about 60 miles away), Paul (nice guy, seems a bit insecure and distance, yet again), Tim(nice guy but travel a lot too for work), Steven(think he is more into hooking up than dating) and a few others that pop in and out of chat from time to time, but haven't really established anything meaningful enough to pursue a date with them yet.

I've learned that some of these guys online, think nothing of stretching the truth or outright lying about their stats, even careful omissions leave me wondering. My profile is accurate, 100% me. What you see is what you get. I don't hide facts or my intentions for being on the websites or behind old pics. Even in my most current pic from June, I'm 10 pounds lighter now. I chat to find out about them and the validity and truthfulness of what they have stated. I've learned to ask the questions, not assume they will volunteer the info I'm looking for. I'm not afraid to call them out on it either. It only makes sense to make them accountable. If someone states they are only looking for friends, then a pic of your cock or asshole is not necessary. If you are looking for only fun, so be it. If you need to be discreet or can't host, I'm gonna ask why. I'm not a game player, nor bullshitter. I'm honest and upfront and expect, no demand, the same. Everyone wants something or none of us would be there.....lying isn't gonna build anything lasting.

Friday Tease

Just Sayin'

"The theory of Love is more romantic and satisfying than the practical application." ~ Ultra Dave

Dating Update

Norm

Well, I've had a couple of hit or misses. Fred, a fellow I was talking to happen to mention that he is really 57, not 47 like his profile stated. No this a different guy, the other was named Wes. Hated to hear that because he was very interesting and we had a lot in common. Maybe I'm being too picky, but really, if you can't be honest about your age, then what else will they be dishonest about? So he won't be contacted again. Oh well, moving on.

I've been talking/flirting with a guy named Norm, on both Manhunt and Adam4Adam for a while now. We had set up 3 times to met, which he canceled all three. All were valid reasons, but I was ready to call it quits with him. We chatted after the last cancelation and I gave him one more chance. I let him know if he missed this one, it was over.

We had set up a time of 4pm on Sunday at McDonald's. I honestly figured he would cancel this one too, so my expectation level was very low. Despite all of our chatting online, and a seemingly common interest in each other, I truly had my doubts. Thankfully, going with my gut instinct and not heeding my coworker/friend's advice was the correct thing to do.

A very handsome man, 6'2", with Carolina blue eyes that sparkled showed up, with a firm handshake and a big smile. Just like his profile stated. Just like his pictures reflected. We quickly ordered our small ice cream treats and found an out of the way corner to sit and proceeded to talk non stop for almost 2 hours! He is truly amazing! I rubbed his stubble short hair on his head. Laughed often. Smiled and grinned a great deal. I felt that tingle that lets me know I'm on the right track. Quite honestly, I was blown away by him.

After sadly parting, down the road a piece, he texted me, "I'm at a traffic light. Thanks for a nice time."

 A couple of hours later, we were on line to each other. We messaged back and forth for over 2 hours. We both confessed to being very interested in each other. How lucky we are to have finally met after many snafus. And how we can't wait to see each other again. I'm happy with Norm so far. We have made plans for several other dates. Discussed many interest and the normal stuff newly connected people do. It feels good. Comfortable. Right. Only time will tell. Both of our intentions are clear and out in the open. I'm quite smitten with the fella, I don't mind saying. He seems to be with me too according to his messages and text. And I believe him. Fingers crossed y'all......

Just Sayin'

"Too wise to be jaded and too optimistic to be desperate." ~ Ultra Dave

Friday Tease

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

July 4th Pics

Independence Day

Wishing all my readers a 

Happy and Safe 

Independence Day!

Date Update

Well,where to start?


Jerry and I didn't get to meet Sunday. A bad storm came through about the time I was getting ready and knocked the power out for couple of hours. We haven't rescheduled yet, but most likely will. We have since emailed and texted. So guess things are still good despite Mother's Nature's monkey wrench.

Today Wes and I met for lunch. Well, let me say, he needs to update his profile a bit. He may have been a bodybuilder at some point in his life, but currently he has a rather large paunch hanging over his belt and maybe some decent biceps, though nothing to warrant asking guys who read his profile to "know their way around a gym." The conversation however was very nice and flowing, except the part where he mentioned he will be turning 59 on his birthday in November. His profile said 55 and I was stretching my limit with that age. He did offer to pay for lunch which was sweet, but I declined and paid for my own. We both have been to the naked pool. He thought it would be a great money and gas saver to ride together.  He was gonna prepare a schedule to see what worked for us.  At the conclusion, he asked if I would mind buying something to use my discount. Once I told him it had to be on a prepaid credit card, he had to think about it. I'm thinking to myself, "Shouldn't we get through lunch first?" Thankfully, going into this, I had low expectations which he met. I seriously doubt there will be another date.

Just Saying

Effort + Consistency = Change
Effort + Mood = No Change

~ Ultra Dave

Just Sayin'

"Conscience is the slap in the back of the head when you know better. Karma is the kick in the ass when you did it anyway." ~ Ultra Dave

Important Dates

As mentioned in another post.....I've piqued the interest of a few fellas and have chatted with several.

Last night I met Mike after work for drinks and a few games of pool at a local gay sports bar. It was very nice! Sweet guy with a great sense of humor and sparkling blue eyes. He's 50 and 6'1". I'm hoping to see him again.....soon hopefully!

This evening I'm meeting Jerry for ice cream. He is 45 and 6'4". We have chatted for a while. I like the way he types, meaning he conveys ideas very well. He seems to be cautious and a little reserved in his missives, but flirty and fun.

Thursday after work, I have plans to meet with Wes. A bodybuilder, 55 years old and 6'4". He is very professional in his communications. However he does have a fun side that intrigues me.

I'm looking forward to meeting Jerry and Wes......and really hope to see Mike again. I'm putting myself out there. It's kinda scary and exciting at the same time. I'm happy at the moment with this aspect of my life. Now if I could get a better paying job and a house in which to entertain in, I'd say my life would be close to perfect.

This morning I am #180 pounds. Only 10 more to go to my target weight, and tighten it all up.....

New Body, Old Mind

Since losing a little weight and getting into better shape with more of both to come, and having updated all my profile pics, I've been receiving emails, chat request, pokes, likes, comments, smiles, winks, gropes etc. galore! I'm loving it! While I think basing interest solely on looks or body type is rather shallow, I freely acknowledge that humans, men in particular, are very visual creatures. I have several ongoing, in depth exchanges with a couple of fellas now that show a bit promise for something more than a roll in the hay. While the exterior of me has been revamped, the personality and character is the same. I still know what I want and expect from someone. That hasn't changed, nor can I ever see it doing so. But the simple act of improving the outside has opened up more choices. I'm the same as I ever was with better marketing and packaging. I'm curious as to where this journey may lead. I'm finally excited about the social/sexual prospects it brings. Right now, I'm testing the waters, combining all I've learned from my past dating experiences, with the "new" found body, and moving toward a more complete happiness. No, I don't think a man can complete me or make me happy, that is mere icing on the cake. But the better I look, the better I feel, the more confident I become. It is actually helping me become a better rounded person. Helping me match the exterior me to the interior me. I'm completing myself so to speak. Stay tuned for further updates. My weight this morning is 182 pounds.

Ignorant Americans

My coworkers and I  have touched upon the subject of education of late. We are pretty much in agreement that the American education system is now a joke, and mostly to blame is the failed policy of "No Child Left Behind." Of course, the dumbing down of America is a benefit to a certain political party. The ignorant and uniformed are easier to manipulate and control, easier to stir into a frenzy on emotional issues than the better informed, educated critical thinkers among us. Whomever thought that holding entire classrooms of students back at the lowest performers level was a great idea should first apologize to America and all those students, then be flogged and locked away in prison for at least 10 years. Thanks to this one policy in particular, the last generation can barely form complete sentences, have no clue about history of this country or any other, nor reach well thought out, researched conclusions on their own. It is a sad, sad day for America that this was allowed to happen. Sure everyone that graduates now can take test and perform at a minimum 9th grade level, but isn't graduating high school about performing at a 12th grade level or higher? This nation no longer keeps pace with the rest of the world. We no longer dominate in anything other than military spending. The ignorance is rampant and that is the way certain politicians want it. If their ideas, policies, results, etc. are never challenged then they retain the power and control. So when it comes time to vote this November, among all the other issues that carry weight on your decision, please take a moment and consider which candidate wants to improve education opportunity for everyone and wants  to improve the collective IQ of America.

Father's Day Overview

This is the first Father's Day with out him around. It's kinda surreal. I still expect him to show up at some point during my visits. Either to come around the corner into the room or come in from outside or even be standing near the outbuilding when I drive up, but atlas, it isn't to be. I guess it is slowly sinking in. My mother and I went to eat lunch together today and we discussed it. She shed a few tears. I held back though I wanted to join her. We mentioned it again once home. We talked about how it use to be. How much he loved to be outside doing something, anything, instead of inside, sitting on the couch, watching the activities. She misses him something terrible. So do I. There is something missing. Something we can never have again. But we are coping. Making do the best we can. Taking life as it comes. What else can we do? Life goes on, whether you like it or not, ready or not. Sometimes you have to be like a little rolly polly bugs that ball themselves up in a knot to protect yourself. You present a tough shell exterior while inside you hope it is enough to weather the storm. You get through it somehow. You may not be the same afterward, but that isn't always a bad thing. It makes you stronger and more resilient in the end. Or so I hope. I know it will get better, the coping part anyway. The void will never be filled no matter what. But I keep moving on. There are many things to do, to keep me busy. I'll keep doing them until I can't any more, then I will find something new to do.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day! 

Life isn't the same without you! Thank you for being the best father a son could have. You're wisdom guides me. You're strength carries me. You still live on in my heart. And I miss you everyday. 

I love you Daddy!

Tease

  Me at #184

Heavy Things

As of this morning, my weight is at 184! Woohoo! My goal was 185, so take that fat!
I'm excited! I'm thrilled! So far, so good. If I can stay the course, I should hit my goal weight of 170 in another 4 weeks.......yippie!

Happy Birthday

Today is Tommy's birthday. He turns 47, the same age as me. While the journey hasn't always been the smoothest or gone the way I would have liked, I still consider him a dear friend and hold many fond memories of our times together. I enjoy the hell out of his company and wish him the best birthday ever! Happy Birthday Tall Guy!

Grateful Things

Of many things I've lost
along the way to here
The good the bad the indifferent
gathered together in one place
Easy to chose
or hardest choices
Family and friends are tops
love can go either way
Health and financial gain meh
It the the hurt and hate I'm glad to see leave
The disappointments and charades
Anger and frustration get the boot too.
For all the living one does
some dying must happen as well
Everything ends so something new can begin
I'm grateful for things
both good and bad
happy and sad
It makes the now so much sweeter
and the future so much more to be cherished
Perfection comes from continuous refinement
My life to this point has been adding the polish
to this once rough diamond
All that has come to pass
has added facets to my chararcter
and personality
I don't have to be happy in the moment
But only know to be grateful for all things in the end.

Going Down

I've had a good week so far. I'm down to 189 pounds! I honestly don't recall the last time I was below 190. I'm sure it has been at least 5 years or more. It feels great! Totally awesome! I'm fitting into more of my old "skinny" clothes. It's like shopping without the expense! I'm getting more second looks from men and women at work. Coworkers are asking about my weight loss. I'm loving it! Instead of sweating about losing 15 or 20 pounds I've set weekly goals of 1, 2, or 3 pounds based on my work schedule, factoring in when I would need to eat and workout. So far it has been successful and I don't see that changing. My goal is obtainable and the new attention is inspiring. By the end of July, my goal is to be at 170, my "old fighting weight". By the end of August, I hope to have tighten up all the jiggly parts. I'm excited about the progress so far. Its hard to believe when I started this journey about 4 years ago, I had allowed myself to balloon to 252 pounds. Never again. I've since learned new eating habits and have been exercising long enough now that it is a habit. I'm all a tingle.

Big Wheels

My mother and I took my father's truck to a local independent dealer this afternoon. I had already looked up the value on Kelly's Blue Book just to get a ballpark figure. It went smoothly and my mother had a connection with the owner. She had taken care of his mother in law when she worked at Hospice. I was concerned that a V-8 gas guzzler that is 6 years old would be hard to get rid of, I think she received a fair price for the truck. More importantly she believes she did.  Overall, for something both of us had dreaded, it was pleasant and quickly over. So one more item off the to-do list.

The small house my grandmother left my father should be wrapping up in another couple of weeks. Just waiting on the lawyer to finalize all the paperwork before the money can be dispersed. She is looking forward to that.

The current listing agent's contract for my parent's  old place is up at the end of the month. She already has a new one lined up to replace him. Hopefully, this one will actually do something to get it sold quickly.

Things are moving forward, albeit, at a snail's pace. But still moving. Now if I can find a better job.....

Three Months Gone

It really doesn't seem like it. But my father has been gone for three months now. I still miss him. Still think about him. Still there are little reminders of his absence and of his legacy. I know my mother is still trying to adjust as well. We talk about it often. I haven't heard much from my sister about it, though I'm sure her and the grand kids are doing their best to cope too.

I was thinking yesterday about him as I changed the oil in his tractor. He had mentioned it several times before he died that it needed to be done. Yesterday was a good day to do it finally. At first, I didn't think I would do it right since it would be my first time. But I just remembered all the stuff my father had taught me about oil changes and applied them to the tractor. After all, an engine is an engine. As I tried to loosen the oil plug, it wouldn't budge for love or money, no matter how hard I pushed or pulled in either direction. I had given up on loosening it and had already told my mother I couldn't get it loose. I felt like I had let her down some how. I gave it one more shot before officially giving up. It broke loose on the second attempt, probably because I had to rethink the direction, though I had tried with all my might in both directions and it wouldn't budge. I think my father gave me a little extra boost to keep from disappointing my mother and myself. Thanks Daddy!

Off Again

Had a three day weekend that I've looked forward to, but have done little to entertain myself. Friday and Saturday, I worked about 4 hours each day, at my mother's houses, taking care of things for her. Between the two places, mowing, weed eating, tilling and even changing the oil in the tractor, I'm exhausted. I'm still off Sunday, so I'm gonna try to do nothing.

I had been chatting with a fella on Adam4Adam and finally met him last night. Let's just say I like his profile better. There won't be another meeting. Don't get me wrong he wasn't too far off in his representation of himself, but enough to turn me off. I actually think when I first met him, it was the first time I seriously considered turning around and leaving. But I have needs, they were satisfied and then I left. Guess there really is a reason I don't bother with guys that are too near by and under 30. Oh well....on to the next.

Heavy Musings

As most know, I've struggled/ fought with my weight for a while now. Since redoubling my efforts in my diet and exercise routine in early March, I have finally reached 194 pounds. Just 2 pounds more than when I started Macy's August 2010. It could have been quicker had life not intervened nor had I had to lose the same freaking 5 to 10 pounds about 4 times. I'm finally down from 205 to below 195 for the first time in years! I'm all a tingle. Even if the fat fights me every step of the way, I am making progress. I can now see more definition in my chest, which makes my belly look smaller and I am back into my 33 waist pants! Woohoo!! My goal is to be back into my 32 waist pants by the end of July, if not sooner and to hit my target weight sometime by then if not sooner. I'm tweaking goals and my workout and diet as I go along to compensate for my age now and how my body reacts to exercise and dieting these days. Hopefully, it will all fall into place sooner rather than later this year!

Inward March

I think too much and act too little. I spend way too much time on the computer and not enough time in the real world, doing real things, with real people. I'm not sure how this habit developed. I think it was the first time either my DVD player or my TV stopped working. I use to get up and exercise every morning. That was how I got into such fantastic shape the first time. I use to have friends to hang out with, go places with, do things with. Of course I had the money to do that, now I don't. I'm not exactly sure how my life and my body got into such sad shape. I hate living in the past, though I seem to make comparisons very frequently to the "good old days". I think it keeps me from moving forward. Just like all the time spent on the internet. I will say this about the computer and the internet, I've met, reconnected, and learned a lot because of it. However the fact remains, it consumes way too much of my time. I'm so tempted to reactivate my Facebook account because I'm bored. I had considered working out tonight, but at this late hour, I'd never get to sleep. I'm bored with browsing profiles on various website trying to meet someone. I've grown to dislike the casual hookups over the years and would really like to have some meaningful connection with someone first. I had thought about throwing caution to the wind and spending some money on a night out, but realize I would have to ask my mother for money which I don't want to do. More so than stay home on the computer. I realize one day off of Facebook and one day limiting my time on "other" sites isn't gonna break the habit. Tonight will be rough. Tomorrow as well. But I will eventually get the hang of it and find other things to occupy my time. To be continued....

Hello! Goodbye!

Not much in the way of news around here. Much of the same old stuff, repeated daily. I did take a bold step and temporarily deactivated my Facebook profile. Nothing to get too concerned with, I just needed a break from it. I spend too much time trying to catch up with every little tidbit of news from my friends and make snarky comments or give meaningful advice to situations I know little about. I want to devote a bit more time to this blog again and of course, working out in the mornings. Without a news feed distracting for longer than intended, I should see some quicker process in getting in shape. Rest assured, I will be back to Facebook in a while. For those readers that are on my friends list, feel free to contact me through my email.

Soul Mates

Really? From my understanding, supposedly, everyone has one, whether they meet them or not or wind up with them or not. I can't say that I don't believe in them or that I whole heartily do either. I'm open to the concept and find the romantic connotation intriguing. It would be really cool if that were truly the case. Of course, I think putting too much emphasis on finding one would make anyone less feel like settling, when I don't think that would be the case if you were deeply in love and committed to someone.

A coworker asked me what I thought about the concept and I responded with the above, more or less. My best friend and I were probably very close to being soul mates. Our friendship was uncanny in many ways. I did love him, just not romantically. And sad to say, even that may have worked out if we had chosen to go there.

I think there is something to deep connections with another person. It can seem almost destined. I don't believe it will be struggle free. Life throws too many curve balls for anything to be too easy breezy. However, I think those connections are undeniable whether fully understood or expressed. It's a deep feeling, beyond gut level, toward something molecular almost. Maybe instinct or psychic or something akin or a blend of all the above. But it certainly feels real.

I've met and worked with many people. I'm usually a great judge of character. I sense what others don't. I've become close friends with coworkers in the past that others didn't like for some reason. Once they were around them more their opinions changed. I never discount anyone as a friend, potential date, etc, until I get to know them. People can be very surprising. And I like surprises. I have learned a lot by being open to people without the judging them, quickly or otherwise.

Some people you met you have an instant feeling of being connected to. Others that develops over time. Some you like and you don't exactly know why. Others, it's like you have known them forever. I have had many in all categories. Still, life can get in the way of seeing what will ultimately becomes of these. I try to make an effort for as long as I can. I don't wanna miss a thing, especially my soul mate.

Hanging On

Not much has really changed around here since the last post. I have exceeded my fundraising goal thanks to my generous blogger buddies and various high school friends.

I have lost a few more pounds but still away from my target weight. I have redoubled my efforts at exercising more regularly and for longer as well as tenaciously sticking to my diet. Hopefully, all the effort will spell success in the near future.

My mother's bereavement class seems to be helping some. Family and friends thus far have continued to be very supportive by visiting and planning small outings through out the month.

I still call two or three times a day, stop by on early days from work and spend my days off at her house doing whatever needs to be done. We have a certain routine now. A more stable work schedule would help a bit more.

I'm applying for jobs, the few I find, that are closer to home. The money for the most part  is about the same, but the hours and commute is better. Hopefully that will translate into more money in my pocket, even without an outright raise in salary.

The holding pattern continues.....

Sincerest Thanks

I would like to take a moment to thank those that have donated for the AIDS Walk this year.

• Michael Rockwell
• Kelly Stern
• Anne Marie
• Deborah Huffman
• Sean Donohue 
• Stanley Kozak 
• Lorrie Linn

Thank you all so much for your generous donations!
AIDS Walk Charlotte 2012

Tombstone

Somewhere angels rejoice

A tear falls quietly on a pillow.

A sob is softly stifled.

The end of one journey

The beginning of another

Moments frozen in time

Etched in heart and mind

Nothing fleeting

Nothing ethereal
If I sat on your tombstone
Would you speak to me?

Two Months

Yep, it has been two months already since my father passed away. It still seems a bit unreal, but the reality is slowly sinking in. As we wrap up the lose ends, it becomes a much sharper reality and harder to ignore that he is really gone. My mother is handling it as well as can be expected after 55 years of marriage. She has or is in the process of wrapping up all the legal stuff that needs to be dealt with. Today she is attending the auction of the house my grandmother left my father. Hopefully that will go well and she and my aunt will see a tidy profit after expenses. I've cleaned out my father's truck and at some point it will be detailed and ready for sale. That was difficult, but had to be done. My mother has begun attending a bereavement class at Hospice. Hopefully, that will help her in ways I cannot. We are just taking it one day at a time, one issue at a time. After all is finished and settled, she has mentioned she will get her affairs in better order to save my sister and I the same trouble she has had with the patchwork of legal things either delayed or overlooked. Hopefully, in the interim, their "old" house will be sold. That will be one less thing to worry about and take care of. Then maybe there will be some definitive forward progress for sure. Currently, I'm searching for a better job, closer to home, with better pay and hours. I would just be more comfortable knowing I'm closer to my mother if she needed me, instead of almost an hour away at work. Of course, more money would help, especially when I get a house. (Hopefully, soon.) A more stable schedule would make it easier to do things with/for my mother and provide a better chance of a social life for me as well. Overall, I guess things are coming together rather well all things considered.

2012 AIDS Walk Charlotte

For the third year I will be joining the AIDS Walk
to benefit R.A.I.N.,
(Regional AIDS Interfaith Network).
They provide many services and help raise
AIDS awareness.
Please donate to this worthy cause if you can.
Every little bit helps.
AIDS Walk Charlotte 2012

Thank you so much!