Zingers

Last night while trying to fall a sleep, I had the little one liners, snarky remarks and witty comebacks running through my head that I've blurted out over the years. Most of them, someone other than myself found amusing.

• When a former DM asked about my manager's work ethic, I replied, "Let's just say, if breathing didn't come naturally, he wouldn't do it."
• A friend and I were riding along discussing the duality of people's actions. I retorted, "You can't spend just one side of a coin, can you?"
• When my mother didn't like my new goatee, I said, "Well, you don't mind wading through the brush to get to a picnic."
• When I was cursed out by a customer once, I turned to another employee to vent. I responded when asked if I was upset by saying, "I wouldn't piss on them if they were burning."
• A former co-worker always thought he knew the answer to every thing. One day, I had my fill and told him, "People who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who do."
• When discussing the suicide of my grandfather's minister, I told him, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
• My best friend and I were talking about what makes a man one day. I stated, "It takes more than a big dick and chest hair."
• After my ex and I had anal sex for the first, with scented hand lotion for lube, I said, "Just call me Freesia Farts."
• Whenever someone ask a favor of me, my usual rely is, "I'm easy.....just not cheap."
• When someone does something so blatantly ignorant, I say, "They are eat up with stupid."
• I was being fingerprinted once for a DUI, I told the officer, "Don't mess up my manicure."
• A couple of friends and I had stopped at a convience store for soda and out walked a hunk of a man, I blurted out, "Looks like dinner to me!"