Friday, November 28, 2008


It wasn't until my mid to late 30's that I realized I was a man. Not that I thought I was a woman. I always referred to myself as a guy, a boy, a dude, or a fella. I wasn't particularly athletic growing up. I did enough normal guy stuff and a few not so guy like things. I was a boy scout, a horrible baseball player, rode bikes, had a dog, etc. My biggest deviation was reading, drawing, and daydreaming. I was more into going to library, checking out books on ancient Rome and Greece or architecture. I would read the dictionary and both entire sets of encyclopedias. I spent time playing with my sister and the two sisters down the street. By the time I was old enough to venture out of the yard to play elsewhere, the boys that lived on our street were in their mid teens. Not exactly playmate material. Most times I was just a loner. I ramble through the woods, play in the barn or playhouse, imagining all sorts of adventures. If I wasn't doing any of that I would be watching the Hardy Boys, or Solid Gold on TV.

I knew I had a penis and that made me a boy. I like, no love, my penis. And many others I've seen. I've never had a desire to be female, or dress like one either. I know how to worked just about every power tool, have driven tractors, dump trucks, painted, changed out light fixtures, landscaped and move furniture. All the manly things. But it wasn't until my late 30's that I remember calling myself a man when speaking about myself. It struck me as odd. So being the inquisitive type that I am, I started wondering why and trying to explain it.

Growing up, I wasn't very close to my father. He was always working and was tired and grumpy when he would get home. My grandfather and I were always tight. As I matured, my father became less of a stranger to me. Now we have a great bond, just like my grandfather and me. I had a few male friends that would come over after school, but not very often. For some reason, my mother never liked a single friend of mine. I only recall visiting one friend's house once in my entire childhood. I never had nor went to sleep overs, except once with the boy scout troop, in which my father was there too. He was also the coach of the baseball team the whole four years I played. Probably the only reason I made the team, 'cause I sucked. I went camping several times with my grandfather. Of course once I turned 18, and was working, I was rarely at home. I made new friends, discovered boys, hung out, partied, and discovered what fun having a penis can be. Most of my friends after high school never met my parents. I liked it that way. I guess having grown up the way I did, and being gay, kind of never gave me the "man" self image that most guys form. Just another step in the journey of life. I'm glad I finally became a man.


larry said...

i love the light fixture!!!! i want one...

rptrcub said...

I used to read encyclopedias too! And the year book supplements as well.

I can kind of relate -- when someone tells me that I'm a handsome man or something about being a good man, it's never quite taken hold, until recently.

Lemuel said...

Some of my own issues with thinking of myself as a "man" were resolved when I was finally able to separate myself from the power and influence of my father.

Dream Weaver Hit Counter
Hughes Net Satellite Internet