Happy New Year

Wishing all my loyal readers a
wonderful 2012

New Year Wishes

1. World Peace
2. Get in shape
3. Quit smoking again
4. Get a better paying job with better hours
5. Spend time with parents
6. Win the Lottery Jackpot
7. Find a man
8. Make new friends
   

Year in Review

What a crap filled year this has been. I'm glad it is almost over. Thought I would waltz through all the craptastic events of the year.

• Daddy developed lung cancer
• Daddy was in the hospital twice for pneumonia
• My great Aunt Ona passed
• My Uncle Russell passed
• My Uncle R.B. passed
  
• No offers on my parent's old place
  
• I pawned all my jewelry to just pay bills
• I was moved from Fine Jewelry department to Watches/Accessories
• My transmission will not stay in drive
• My power has been turned off twice
• Tommy has issues
  
• Phillip can't commit to anything apparently
• Jim hasn't taken much initiative in things
• I've only had a few paycheck to break $300
• I scratched my eyeball in my sleep and had to go the the ER
• I need glasses that even with insurance I can't afford
• I had to replace the floor in the bathroom
• I still have a hole in the floor of the bedroom
  
• My toilet still doesn't work properly
• Now there is a leak in the shower
• I'm still broke and single
• I'm still overweight
  

Now a few of the highlights:

• I did get one piece of jewelry out of the pawn shop
• I still have my job
• I still have a place to live
• I still have a car to drive
• Neither of my parents are dead yet
• I'm not dead yet
• I still have my wonderful dog Izzy to come home too
• My health is fine
• I did lose a few pounds over the year
  

2012 had better be nice to me before I snap!

Mourning

This is something I've been wanting to post about for a while now, but given the loss of Tommy's mother back in June and my father's health issues, and I have the time at the moment, I figured I would do it now, rather than later.

I've lost many friends, fifteen to be exact, that I was close to and some not so close. I've lost all four of my grandparents. As well as, 2 Uncles and a great Aunt this year alone. So suffice it to say, I know something about loss and grieving. I realize it is a different process for each individual. I know there are stages to mourning and coming to terms with a loss. I know there isn't a definite time frame for it to subside. All I can speak to is how the process went for me.

There is always the sadness, no matter how close or distant the person was to you, or for how long you may have known them. There is the sense of loss, that there is a place left empty in your life that they once filled. There is the time spent crying even after you think the process has long since ended. There are the flood of memories that seem to keep you on the edge of tears, sometimes for years. There are the times of the year that are associated with certain people. Certain places too. There are words, phrases, movies, commercials, songs, you name it, that will bring back memories and the sadness and that void will resurface. Honestly, I can say it never goes away. Ever. It will fade and become more infrequent as time passes. The profound sadness will slowly be replaced with comfortable melancholy followed by a warm, fuzzy feeling of nostalgia. But it never leaves you completely. Just as their lives ended, you begin to realize the impact they made on yours. The subtle things you remember. Their likes and dislikes, shared jokes, and all those memories you made together will suddenly have become like little life preservers. There when you need them the most in some event that you wish the person was present for and it will somehow seem ok again.

In my experiences, I cried a lot and often but mostly it was a deep feeling of loss. I cried till I had a headache. I cried till I ran out of tears. I cried till I fell asleep. I knew I had lost something special from my life. I had the feelings of anger and regret. The times you wanted to scream at their passing and then laugh uncontrollably at something you recall about a time shared. Mostly I got through it by talking about it to others. Sometimes even myself out loud at home. I wrote about it in a journal. I wrote poems. I didn't keep it in. I expressed it and shared it. In doing so, it helped the loneliness I felt, the bitterness at their departure and the constant reminder of those absences of those that passed. It helped clear the air in a way and certainly my mind. I was strong when needed but allowed myself the privilege of letting go and letting someone else help with the burden. It still took as long as it was going to take. No way that I know to speed that up.

With each death, I learned something new about myself and my relationship with that person. The most valuable lesson was how to live myself. I now take more pictures. Take more time for conversation. Take more time for anything that involves another person I'm close too. I learned how to be unselfish with myself because my friends and family need me, even for something as small as a quick conversation or a major project. I learned all to well you never know when it could be the last time you see them. It could be the last conversation you have with them or the last time you said hello or goodbye. I make more of an effort at maintaining friendships. I let a lot of things slide with friends that maybe I shouldn't, but they will never know. Friendships and family mean that much to me. I go the extra distance if need be. I don't want regrets for something I didn't do or say. (I had a few of those to deal with. ) I want to look back from now on and know I didn't stop living because they are gone. I truly live now after their passing in their honor. I try to make everyday count, no matter how small the scale may be. Everything matters to someone, sometime, somewhere, somehow, whether you are aware of it at that moment, whether you are in the mood for it. I didn't stop living, or put my life on hold to grieve. I carried on and did what I could and never let it stop me. It was just another item on my to do list. So if I can, I make the effort, regardless of my frame of mind or what ever else I may be personally dealing with. My friends and family are just that important to me. Someday that may very will be a defining moment in your friendship and one of your fondest memories when they are gone. Cause even in their passing, they never really leave you.

Christmas Musings

I remember growing up the anticipation leading up to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was a wonderful time to be a kid. I remember not being that shocked or disappointed that there really wasn't a Santa. I recall many gifts from parents and grandparents that I adored. Funny, I don't recall ever being after the latest and greatest toy of season. I was always happy with whatever I got. I'm still that way. Any time someone ask me what I want, I say nothing and I really mean it. I have enough stuff. Enough clothes, of all sizes, enough knick knacks to fill a couple of houses. I don't need any more. I will usually relent when pushed and just say wine and/or money. There never seems to be enough of either of those here. Maybe it's the 22 years in retail and being assaulted earlier every year with Christmas music and decorations in the workplace for 8 hours or more. Maybe it is the over spending I see this time of the year or the horror stories of shopping excursions gone bad. Maybe I'm just jaded and cynical in my middle age. But Christmas seems more of a chore and less joyful than it did in my 30's or before. It is always a hassle to pick the right gift, or find a way to afford something that no one in my family really needs. The last few years I've stopped decorating. It is more trouble than it is worth to me. I have to move Hell and half of Georgia to make room for the tree. I'm rarely home long enough to enjoy it. I don't have company over that would see or appreciate it. And the dog really don't care one way or the other. So why bother? Don't get me wrong, I love the festive lights and the shiny, sparkly ornaments. I'm happy others enjoy it. Yeah, for them. To me it is a paid day off. As far as the religion part goes, I don't buy into it wholeheartedly. It seems all the shopping and decorating and overspending has really upsurped the supposed meaning of the holiday. I'd rather hang with family and friends on this day, with the twinkling lights, good food and drinks and just enjoy the company. I like it more for that, than a fairytale birth. I partake begrudgingly with the family because they are all about that stuff. And I would never hear the end of it if I missed it. I sit and watch, oh and awe appropriately and count the minutes till I can gracefully leave. This year at work I went all season and didn't wish a single customer Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. If they wished it upon me, I responded back with a simple, "you too!" and left it at that. When I move into a larger house, whenever that may be, I will put up a tree and lights because I enjoy that part of it. I will entertain friends with seasonal music, twinkling lights and good alcoholic beverages. I will still buy gifts for family because it is expected. But I don't have to go hog wild about. I'll reflect quietly to myself and wonder why I can't keep the decorations up year round and start thinking about the New Year.

Shopping!

I do love to shop and I really enjoy a bargain! I purchased $417 worth of gifts for a mere $146.84 after sales, coupons and my employee discount, tax included. It was a struggle to come up with the money, but doing it a little along the way helped. I'm tickled with the end result and glad it is over with. The only thing I asked for this Christmas was cash. I hope I get enough to get at least a couple of pieces of jewelry out of the pawn shop. That will help my money go a little farther if I'm not paying them every month. I'm hoping next year is better fiscally than this year has been.

Tonight

Quiet wraps me like a tight hug.
In the still and the dark,
my thoughts are of you.
Memories cover me
like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
A content smile upon my lips.
I drift off to sleep,
wishing of dreams of you.
Hoping you will dream of me too.

Wishing all my loyal readers a wonderful and safe holiday season!

I Didn't

I didn’t want to see you naked. I wanted to admire your masculine beauty.

I didn’t want to have sex with you. I wanted to make love to you.

I didn't want to intrude upon your life. I wanted to take care of you.

I didn’t expect to bond so deeply with someone, but I did.

I didn’t expect you to fulfill my every need, but you were a friend.

I didn’t expect to miss you so much, but I do.

I didn’t expect to ache at the loss, but knowing it doesn’t effect you the same, makes my soul scream.

I don’t suspect it will subside any time soon but I soldier on in hopes it does.

Joy To The World

Amazing how the heart strings can be plucked from time to time, to remind us of what is real and human. Seems that Christmas brings it to the surface for me more than any other holiday. Maybe it is a song, a commercial or a plea for a charitable donation. Whether it is the music, the sentiment or the imagery used, it brings a tear to the eye, a lump to the throat and a swelling to the heart. After these events you just want the world to find peace and the down trodden to find comfort. You wanna hug someone. You want to believe the world can be a better place. You want to spread love and good cheer where ever you go. Wouldn't it be nice to feel like that every moment of every day?

Bah Hum Bug

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. There are too many things weighting me down I guess to give into commercial frivolity and consumerism. Concerns about my parents and money are the tops of the list. Macy's really fucked up my budget for the month with their Thanksgiving/Black Friday bullshit. I hate worrying week after week, month after month, about gas to get to work or how to pay some bill or if I'll be able to get my jewelry out of the pawn shop or whatever else pops up. My normal happy go lucky disposition has been replaced with cynicism and a chronic case of I just don't give a shit any more. Sadly I don't see this ending before the year is out. Now Christmas is upon us and I need to spend even a few dollars on gifts for people that really don't need a damn thing just to not feel bad myself and not guilty for receiving anything they give me. What a crock! I had planned to do Christmas cards this year, but can't afford that either. I honestly had more money when I was unemployed. I've only seen 1 or 2 checks this year over $300 after taxes and deductions. If there is one wish I have for Christmas this year, it would be to win the lottery. I know I should be wishing for my father's health to improve but even if it did, money would still be an issue. At least he would pass knowing my bills are paid and I have a roof over my head and I could take care of my mother regardless of what happens. Maybe along with becoming cynical, I've become pragmatic as well. If next year is this bad money wise, I'm gonna start selling drugs and take my chances.

Finally

Jim and I spent the night together at his place last night. I've been wanting to do that since I met him October 2! He is very sweet. Very good in bed too! I enjoyed myself immensely. So did he. We kissed and cuddled and...well, you get the idea. Since it was the first time together, we didn't go "all the way". I have to have deep feelings for someone before I go there. While, I am very fond of him, and do enjoy his company, I'm not ready for that just yet. It was so nice to spoon and wake up next to someone. Hope there are more opportunities in the near future. Of course with the holidays and the crazy hours at Macy's and taking care of things for the parents, I never know. I'll just play it by ear.

Thanks Macy's

After working 11:30 pm till 9:30 am on Thanksgiving night/ Black Friday morning just to take advantage of the time and a half, 10% shift differential, and the holiday pay, it increased my paycheck by $15.90. It appears the time and a half only applied to the hour between 11pm and 12am and the 10% shift differential only from the hours of 12am till 4am. The holiday pay barely made up for the extra day off I was given that week. Thanks Macy's!

I Am

• Overweight by 20 pounds/ But I did lose 75 pounds
• Very hairy / But I do keep it trimmed and shaved
• Mentally and emotional strong / But I can be hurt
• A very good friend / But I can be driven away
• Not in perfect shape / But I do have some muscles
• Broke most of the time / But I do have a job
• Not needy or lonely / But I do like to hang out or chat
• Intelligent / But still feel stupid sometimes
• Loyal / But realize when being mistreated or taken advantage of
• Not living large / But I do inherit a trust fund
• Generous with my time / But not gonna make all the effort
• Not a good time charlie or fair weather friend / But there if needed
• Sweet and caring / But can be a bitch if pushed
• Well adjusted / But still have a few things that will set me off
• A great communicator / But I can be secretive
• Forgiving / But I don’t forget

Happy Thanksgiving

For Thanksgiving tomorrow, I hope that everyone can find at least one small thing in their life to be thankful for and one great thing that made you who you are today. Thanksgiving isn't about the food, but the people who surround us everyday. Those we count as friend, coworker, neighbor or family. Those are the blessings in life, not the things we possess. Wishing all my blogger friends, a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Melancholy Morning

I spent some time with my father today, while my mother ran a few errands. I piddled about while he sat on the sofa with his oxygen tube on. The sparkle and depth have left his eyes. My mother helped him bathe this morning. His vigor and stamina is gone. He is wobbly when he walks. I went with him outside to sit in the swing and enjoy the fresh air. There were a few moments that I thought he may not make it back in the house without me picking him up. Some how he managed. His steps are slow and deliberate, though unsure at times. He worries me. My mother worries me. Even though they both weight the same now, she could not pick him up should he fall and not have the energy to get back up himself. He is so frail. His 6'3" frame is nothing but skin and bones now. I'm afraid he will fall and break something. Or my mother will be injured trying to help him in some way. I don't think I have enough left in me to take care of both of them at the same time if need be. I've signed up for Intermittent Family Leave at work. If they need me, I can be late, leave early or call in and it not count against me. It will just shorten my paycheck. My mother mentioned to me this morning that she don't think he will make it through Christmas. I was thinking the same thing, but secretly hope he does, so long as he isn't suffering. While he dozed on the sofa, and my mother got ready to leave, I stood at the dining room window, staring out at nothing and silently cried.

Things Have Changed

Out the window, blankly I stare
Falling leaves drift slowly to the ground
Barren trees standing silently in place
The melancholy of it all.
I think of happier times, happier places
knowing I can never return there again
Things have changed
Too many pieces of the happy missing from the puzzle of joy.
Profound loss, deep sadness saturate my being
There is no halting where life is heading
No stopping the march of time
Along for the ride, like it or not, ready or not.
I know what is coming and my soul aches.
Out the window, blankly I stare.
For at this moment, that is all I can do.

Queer Meme

From Spo, the dear.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
About 5. Always knew there was something special about the boys!

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Nope, never will either.

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
Not sure exactly. Don't recall ever being really "in".

4. Are you out to your family?
Yes.

5. Do you want children?
No. When I was younger, I would have considered it.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
About evenly split.

7. Were you out in school?
Once again, not really in, but I didn't place it on a billboard either.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?
Nope.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?
Nope.

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
Nope.

11. Have you ever been in a sling?
Nope.

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?
Yep.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
When I was about 12. Fooled even my grandparents, but that was before the mustache.

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Nope. Not enough closet space.

15. Are you ‘fixed in your ways’ as it were?
I'm adaptable.

16. Cher or Bette?
Cher

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
Dated, no. Tricked, yes.

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No to all.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?
One

20. Name of your first love?
Reggie

21. Do you still talk to them?
Nope

22. Does size matter?
Somewhat. Depends....

23. Biggest turn on?
Kindness and intellect.

24. Biggest turn off?
Attitude. (agree with Spo on this one)

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Called names but quickly quelched that.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
Music choices. Love a danceable tune.

27. Ever been to a pride rally?
Yes

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes. Already planned it, just gotta find the man :)

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
Rich and smart. Money can make me beautiful and youth is wasted.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?
No.

31. Do you trim your body hair?
Trim occasionally, not shave, except for the back.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yep, long ago.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Yep, not my cup of tea.

34. Which character in “The Women” best reflects you?
Have no idea about this. Whichever one is the most fabulous.

35. Favorite gay expression ?

The word ‘fabulous”! (agree with Spo on this too.)

36. How may ‘ex’ do you have?
Two.

37. Do you believe in fairies?
I believe in all magical creatures and good men as well. They are just hard to find.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
Yep, three of them.

39. Do you have any piercings?
No.

40. Would you date a smoker?
Yep, as long as it isn't pot, crack or some other illicit drug.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Yep, a few.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
About 15 at last count. So sad.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
Not any more. Don't have the time.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
Don't belong to a gym currently, but if I join one, that is a must!

45. Grinder or Scruff?
Neither.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
God, I hope it gets better from here on out.

47. Got Porn?
Yes

48. Make out music?
Anything that fits the mood and location.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
Had crushes.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?
No.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?

Nope, on my bucket list.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
Yep.

53. Ever had sex in public?
Sorta....

54. What gay gene did you miss out?

Tidiness......I hate to clean a house.

My Father is Back Home!

There Is No Place Like Home

I'm glad my father's time in rehab is just about up. When he left the hospital this last time, he had to go to a rehab/nursing facuility to finish up his IV treatment. It has been rough on him for sure, being hooked up to the IV for up to 16 hours a day and constant interruptions throughout the night. It has been tough for my mother as well but it is closer to home than the hospital was and she stays only a couple of hours twice a day to visit. I go before or after work, depending on my schedule. It has made for some long days this last week. My dog has has to endure this as well, given I'm gone for up to 14 hours at a time and he is stuck inside. I'm so glad is about over with. I don't like where he is. The corridors smell of urine and feces, Clorox and staleness. I pass the same rooms everyday, and see the same people, just sitting there. No visitors. Just sitting or sleeping or laying in the bed. It's the saddest place I've ever been. I feel for them. If any of them happen to look away from the ceiling, wall or TV, I smile at them. The first couple of days, their expressions never changed. Now, a few will sort of smile back. The few that can leave their rooms on the own power that I meet in the hall will even wave a little or say "Hi". One thing is sure, my father will not go back there again. I don't like him being there, any more than he does, but for different reasons. It is a place of forgotten people. The lonely and dying left to wait for the Grim Reaper. Hospice will take over when he is released and back home. That is a much better place to be while he waits.

The End Is Near

Unsteady breaths.
The hope now faded.
There is no turning back from this.
It's grip too strong.
It's heels dug in deep.
Nothing more can be done.
Sadness colors everything.
Everything you do.
Everything you think.
There is no escaping.
No reprieves.
Just this moment.
Wondering if there will be another.
A final countdown that no one knows when will end.
Will it be sudden?
Or stretched to torturous lengths?
Will there be much pain?
There will be many tears.
More than can be counted.
The end is coming.
It is closer than it should be.
Everyone knows.
Especially him.

Better

Better times ahead they say.
They arrive too slowly and depart too quickly.
Waiting,wanting, needing
Something to give, to change
Just be different.
Everyday the same
Eat, Sleep, Work.
Where's the love?
More bills than paycheck.
More effort than returns.
Mind numbing,
Gut wrenching,
Heart breaking,
Life.
It gets better they say.
Yeah, right.
When?

Tizzies & Such

I'm in a tizzy over all that is going on right now around here. I'm worried about my father and my mother. I wonder what will happen to my mother when my father is gone? I'm concerned that my mother may not live long after he is gone. They have really never been apart much in their 55 year marriage. Hospice will be helping once he is released. That will a great relief on my mother I'm sure. It also means nothing more can be done but make him comfortable. I've requested the forms be sent for Intermittent Family Leave. I figured that way I can be there when they need me, whenever they need me, without jeopardizing my job. I'm concerned about the old place selling. I would like for my father to see it sold before he passes, but in this economy, I'm not sure that will happen. I would also like for him to know that I have a house of my own, of course, that depends on the latter. I worry that none of this will be done before both are gone and I will have to deal with my sister in these issues.

On other notes, Jim and I are still in touch, not as frequently but with things going on with me and him helping look after a friend that had back surgery there isn't much time. I think the interest is still there. I'm looking forward to a third date and maybe a little more. Phillip is totally out of the picture. He hasn't responded to the last text or emails and had unfriended me on Facebook. Guess that means he isn't interested. Fine by me. He was too flaky for me. Tommy has reached out and communicated. I'm not ready to hang out with him again, but it was a bit of a relief to have him to talk to about my father since he went through the same thing with his mother in June of this year. I'm playing it by ear with all of them. I have other things going on now. If it works out with Jim great. If Tommy and I can be friends great. If nothing more comes of either Jim or Tommy, I'm cool with that too. I've come to learn that it is more their loss than mine. I bring a lot to the table. What to they bring?

Happy Anniversary

55 years together today.

Sadly, they will be celebrating from the hospital this time. My father was admitted Monday due to the pneumonia returning. He is doing much better and should be released Friday or Saturday. I purchased a gift and a card for him to give my mother and placed in his room last night for this morning. (Of course he reimbursed me.) They have had a rough year and a half, but I look at them and wish I had that deep of a love with someone. They are my inspiration in everything I do.

Happy 55th Anniversary!

Daddy Update

My father had a doctor's appointment yesterday to find out what the CT scan revealed on Tuesday. It's not good news. The cancerous tumor has begin growing again. He still has a touch of pneumonia, but was given some antibiotics for that. He can't have any more radiation treatments. He isn't strong enough for chemo. And the location and condition of his lungs don't allow surgery as an option. The upside to all of this is that it isn't growing at an alarming rate at the moment nor does it appear to be spreading elsewhere, nor did the visit warrant a sentence of a few months or less than a year. My parents are seeking out other treatment options but I'm not sure there are any left available. I'm gonna be optimistic for all our sakes and hope that something can be found. It's sad to say this and a bit selfish too, but I'm gonna say it anyway. If my father must go, then let it be quick, pain free and after the first of next year sometime. I don't want my mother to associate their anniversary in November, or Thanksgiving or Christmas with his death.

Weight Loss

At #195.
2o more to go and get tightened up.
Still a bit scary, but I can see my feet!

I feel better than I did at #252!

Yep He Is A Sweetheart

Since Jim couldn't make it to the party Saturday because of work, I decided to invite him to the mall for dinner at California Pizza Kitchen Friday night after I got off work. He wasn't sure if he would be leaving work in time, but texted me later to say he could. He drove from the University area all the way over to Southpark Mall, a distance of about 20 miles to see me and he paid for dinner! He is such a sweetheart. He had parked at the top of the hill near the restaurant entranced and walked all the way to the store to meet me. After dinner we walked to the car and he drove me to mine so I wouldn't have to walk so far. We talked a little more and had our first kiss. I was getting ready to tell him what a great kisser he was but he told me I was first! It was a great first kiss! I do wish I had a pic of him to show adorable he is, but so far I don't. I haven't had anyone treat me so nice or be so considerate in a very, very long time. I think he genuinely enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. I can't wait to see him again! He is such a great hugger and kisser!

Dating Update

I had my first kiss and cuddle session with Phillip on Sunday evening after work. It was very pleasant snuggled up on the couch next to him, watching a little bit of tv and just talking. He is great at hugging too! It was very nice. My big concern at this point is: I don't particularly like the way he kisses. Since he is big guy, his mouth is larger than mine too, so when he kisses, I feel like he is trying to swallow my face. The little flirty kisses are very nice but the french ones aren't. I've ran across this problem before with another guy long ago. We stopped seeing each other, not necessarily because of that, but I did take it into consideration. I'm going over Wednesday night to watch movies with him. I'll see if it is any different. It could just have been the angle of approach, since we were both laying back on the sofa at the time. Overall, I still enjoyed the evening.

****Update....Phillip just canceled plans an hour before I was suppose to be at his house.****

This Saturday I'm going out with Jim. We are going to a party in Winston Salem. I'm looking forward to the party and to seeing him again. I can't wait to hug and kiss him too! Our parting hug after we left the restaurant last Sunday was wonderful. Very compatible physically. Our conversation was great too. That was one of the reasons I invited him to go. I knew the drive down and back would give us more time to learn about the other. I've spoken and emailed with him several times since the dinner. I'm quite happy thinking about him. Even a bit more tingly than with Phillip. I'll just have to wait to see how it goes.

*** Jim has a late appointment Saturday and can't make it. Damn! I'm disappointed***

Daddy Update

My father got to come home yesterday after a week in the hospital. Now maybe he can rest. I'm so relieved!

Father Hospitalized

My father is in the hospital with pneumonia on top of his emphysema and asthma. He also took a tumble in the living room this morning, hitting his forehead on the ceramic tile floor, scraping his elbow and shoulder up pretty bad. They have put him on IV antibiotics and did some type of lung treatment. Thankfully, my sister was down to visit today and stayed with them at the emergency room till 4pm. I stopped by after work so my mother could go home to change, feed their dog and take her pills. She is gonna spend the night and my sister will be there in the morning about 8am to relive her. The spots on the elbow and shoulder look really bad. His coughing is still going but not as bad as it was. He looks horrible. Both my parents seem a bit out it. My sister and I are worried sick about both of them at this point. I'm not ready for this.

This is More Like It!

While waiting around for Phillip to make plans this weekend, I struck up a conversation with a fella named Jim. He looked handsome in his pics with a very nice body, (yes, one of those sites). After chatting a bit and hitting it off so well, he invited me to dinner at Olive Garden in Monroe. Of course, I said yes! I'm glad I did too! He is even better looking in person! His profile pic didn't do him justice! He is very sweet, charming and interesting! I'm glad we were in a public place or I would have been all over him! We laughed, talked about our interest and families, work, just all sorts of things. The conversation never lagged and the chuckles were plentiful. We exchanged some more contact info and hugged good bye in the parking lot. I did sneak a kiss on his neck just to tease him a little. I'm hoping to see him again really soon!

I did finally met Phillip and his son Friday evening. He came by the store to surprise me and purchased two watches as well. He is handsome and tall. His son is gonna be heartbreaker when he gets older. For all the hours we have chatted and text we exchanged, he seems a bit too aloof for me. Maybe because he has a preteen to contend with or maybe the pressure of his job, but whatever it is, I do want a little more attention, at least in the start, than he is providing. Answering emails about plans he suggested would be a nice start. Unlike Jim, he needs some follow through. If we met again, then great. If not, no worries.

I'm putting myself out there for anyone and everyone. If I'm interested, I'll pursue, if not keep on moving. I'm not gonna get what I want with you- know- who, so I need to launch a campaign to find one who can. Look out world, here I come!

Sunday Tease

I'd love to soak in the tub with this guy!

Whine Fest

**This may or may not be wine induced**

I just wanna be loved. I wanna be held close by strong arms to a man's well muscled chest and feel protected. I wanna be kissed to the point of almost being consumed. I wanna feel like I am the only reason they get up in the morning. I want to be the reason they return home every evening. I wanna know without a doubt that I mean as much to them as their family or breathing, that they will never leave me and always be there for me. I wanna be their best friend, confidant, and lover. I wanna be the one that will support any idea they have, that will make them happy, make them laugh, make it safe and make sure they know they are cherished. I want someone that I can't imagine them not being a part of my life and them feel and express the same. All I want is to be loved and held by a strong man that I can love and hold in return.

Daddy Update

I stopped by my parents again this evening from work. My father has had a rough couple of days. My mother set up a doctor's appointment for Friday at 2:30pm. While there isn't much that can be done for the condition, maybe he can get some relief from the constant coughing and maybe that will help him breath easier and sleep better. My mother said he didn't eat hardly anything today. His appetite has dropped considerably over the last few months, so eating even less is disturbing in itself. He really looked bad. It worries me. I don't think he has the strength to be worried at this point. He just sits on the couch with is breathing tube on with his eyes closed when he isn't coughing. I wish there was something I could do to restore his health and vitality.

HoHum Updates

It has been a long boring week at work. I finally got my resume to Kay Jewelers. The district manger was there but doing a store visit (one of eleven in 2 days) and didn't have the time to talk. I did get to meet him though and he said we would talk sometime next week. The store manager told me she would be in contact with me as soon as she got back the online test results I had taken. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping and praying like crazy that I can get that job! I so want to get out of Macy's before Christmas!

I stopped by my parents the last two evenings on the way home. Daddy hasn't been doing so good. Coughing, and short of breath, mostly, which leads to no sleep. He looks bad and sounds worse. I can tell my mother is worried. I know I am. Sadly, the doctor told him Monday, that the bad valve in his heart can't be operated on, because of his lungs and of course, he can't be operated on for his lungs because of them either. Bless his heart....it's just sad that nothing more can be done, except wait for the end to come. The upside is no one knows when that will be.

I thought I had found someone but alas, it doesn't seem to be panning out that way. We have talked for several hours the last 6 days. Have agreed to meet 4 of those. Phillip has canceled at the last minute every time. I did cut him a little slack given his type of work and the hours it requires and the fact he has a 12 year old son he has shared custody. But really, it makes me think he isn't that committed to meeting me in the first place if he can't even make it a priority to meet me just once. And that was his idea and he is the one that got in touch with me. Of course, he has only been split from his ex for about 6 months and every time I log into Manhunt, he is on, even when chatting with me. Maybe he has done found someone he likes better. Who knows? I tried to message him earlier and it was ignored. I'm gonna leave this one alone!

I've heard through the grapevine that Tommy has a new job. It appears he had it the last time he worked, but didn't tell me or Jessica. Apparently, he didn't want us to know according to this source. Of course I think that was the exact reason he did tell them so it would get back to us and maybe we would reach out to congratulate him and he wouldn't have to make the effort. I'm happy for him.


On the upside, I've lost another 3 pounds as of this morning for a total of 11 pounds! Woohoo! And I'm on the final stretch of my Stop Smoking campaign. I've went from 20 to 30 cigarettes a day to 9, now at 6 and hopefully tomorrow 4 and done by Friday! Wish me luck!

Open Letter to Tommy

I'm sorry you don't think I've been a good friend to you. I think I have. I've invited you to parties, events and places. I took care of you twice when you had gotten sick. Once the first time we ever went out together and you mixed alcohol and a pain pill at Dan and Willie's party in Winston Salem. I drove the hour and half home with you passed out in the passenger seat, after you finally stopped throwing up. And then after the White Party after you got thrown out of the club hosting the after party ( and I still don't know why.). And that was after you told me in the club to "go away". I stayed with you that night despite having to work the next day and it was after 3am, helped you undress at your request, up and down the stairs, out of bed, off the couch and off the floor. I ignored the fact you were rubbing the back of your hand across my chest and crotch while muttering about being horny, wanting a blow job or to fuck.I even kissed you twice on the cheek at your request (I figured since I had already tucked you in on the couch you couldn't get up to hug good bye). I handed you tissue to wipe the vomit from your mouth, rubbed you back as you heaved and cleaned up the floor where you didn't make it to the bathroom. I listened as you told me about Vince, and Wade, one guy you aren't "dating" and the other some Internet crush. I listened as you told me your woes on finding a job, how desperately you wanted to find "someone', your worries about losing your home and your car, your dreams of installing a pool and a hot tub. I listened as any friend would and gave my advice where needed and offered my support. I laughed with you and I cried with you at your circumstance. I didn't judge. I never came over uninvited and never empty handed. I pulled more than my fair share of this friendship. I was always the one to reconnect whenever you felt guilty about having fun and would ignore me, sometimes for up to a month, because your pride was more important than a friendship or your fake image of being a mature responsible adult was faltering under your own repression. I encouraged your pursuit of employment when you were ready to give in and of your endeavor to get into shape. I let you know when there was hours available at work when you needed them and always encouraged others to call you first if they needed to be off. I'm the one waiting for an apology. I'm the one that was ignored at the White Party and told to go away in the club. I was the one who's calves hurt so bad I could hardly walk the next day from lifting and pulling your drunk ass. I'm the one who you didn't speak to or even look at for 4 hours the last time we worked together. And yet, just last Friday we hung together at the mall before work, laughing and planning. Saturday we spent hours together, getting ready for the White party, drinking, laughing, dancing around in towels and underwear like best friends. And I'm the one who is not a good friend? I'm the greatest friend you could ever had. but I will not be disrespected. I will not make you an priority when I'm only an option. I will not be used as a good time charlie. Whatever crush I had on you long since died. I looked to you as a big brother/best friend and was happy with that. I hate to see it end, but for my sanity I guess it must. I will not make the effort this time. If it doesn't come from you then it ain't gonna happen this time around. I wish you luck in your new job and finding that someone who can put up with your moods and catholic guilt issues.

Working For A Living

The job with Helzberg didn't pan out. Can't say I'm surprised. It had a weird vibe to it anyway.

The manager at Kay Jewelers has been talking to me. I had casually mentioned me wanting to leave Macy's and return to a full service jewelry store and that I had worked for Kay before and even helped set up the store she works in. She took it upon herself to check my background with the company, which she said I was highly recommended and then offered to set up an interview with her district manager, who is also wanting to meet with me. Woohoo! She said there was no reason for her to interview me as far as she was concerned, just fill out two test online from home and talk with the DM. Yesterday she informed me that most likely (I'm thinking if hired, though she didn't phrase it that way) I would go to work at Carolina Place mall as an assistant manager or to the Monroe store as an assistant manger or 3rd key, depending on what happens there in the interim.

I'm very excited about this! I'm all a tingle over it! I loved working for Kay Jewelers. I would have never left had the store location I worked at not been closed down. I'm hoping for the best. Also, so far, no mention of having to pass a credit report thingy!

White Party

Went to the White Party with Tommy.
Interesting night.
(Btw, lost 8 pounds)

Wednesday Tease

Wow!

Big Wheels

Me getting ready to mow my parent's 5 acre yard.

About Time

I finally have had enough of being fat! Woohoo! I tackled clutter around my home gym this morning and began exercising! Woohoo! It's still crowded in there, but I now have room to do the basic exercises to work my chest, biceps, abs, and shoulders. Woohoo! I'm so excited! I'm all a tingle!
I did 3 sets of 5 exercises this morning and had my heart rate up. Of course my warm up cardio was cleaning the room up! I broke a sweat and I can feel it now! I'm gonna do it! No more whining about being fat or having clothes that don't fit! I'm gonna be damn fine for next summer. I have tried dieting alone, which did help me go from 252 to 192, but still wasn't enough. Since working, I got back up to 210. This morning I weighted in at 208. This time, I'm gonna do it and keep doing it till they put me in the ground!

Just Maybe

I applied a couple of weeks ago with Helzberg Diamonds. I had spoken with the manager on the phone Friday. He asked about my experience in jewelry and such like normal. He also asked if I could pass a drug test, background check and a credit check. I told him the credit check may be iffy given I had to turn in my Saturn a couple of years ago, but no problem with the other two. Everything else is spot on so Saturday morning before going to work at Macy's, I went for an interview. Somehow the computer system, either theirs or mine scrambled my resume into such a mess, I had to completely redo the whole thing on their forms. No problem I got it fixed for them. In the meantime, the manger had a customer. Not totally unexpected on a Saturday in a mall. It took forever with them people and I finally had to leave to go to work. Soooooo......he is gonna do a credit check and let me know if we should bother to reschedule the interview. I've got my fingers crossed. I would love to get out of Macy's before Christmas with their ridiculous holiday hours.

Sport's Oops!

I really like this photo!

Don't Get It

I see lots of naked men. I see lots of porn. I see a lot of fetishes. It's all well and good, even if I'm not into it. However, there are a few things that I just don't understand at all. To me personally, I can't find anything about it the lest bit fascinating or erotic. I just don't get it, try as I might.
What is up with fisting? Really? Why would you want someones arm up your ass? How can that possible feel good whatsoever? Why put your health at risk or even you life for what exactly? It makes no sense to me.
What is up with pissing as well? Unless you have a contingency problem, I see no reason to piss on someone. Nothing about that turns me on at all. In fact, I think I would knock the crap of someone if they did it intentionally.
Uniforms, leather and the assorted sports gear I get. Clothing, environment, etc., can be very erotic with the right person or situation. Still not sure about spending all that money on it though, but if you can afford, have the closet space, have at it.
I prefer old fashion making love. Not fast and furious. Not relying on props and such, and certainly not worrying about if I need drawstrings installed in my ass when we are through. Give me someone who can hold me tight, kiss me tenderly and make sure the experience is memorable for all the right reasons and I'll have my U-Haul pack for the next visit. Simple, run of the mill, everyday sex is enough for me with the person I care about. Not a stranger or a group of them doing things I would never care to repeat or talk about to my closest friends. I'm very vanilla but passionate. Is that too much to ask these days?

Sunday Tease

Very Nice!

Happy Labor Day!

I'm gonna miss Summer!

Explain To Me...

Why am I good enough to share parts of your life with but none of your heart? I like you as a friend, but....
Is there something wrong with me that makes me unsought after romantically?
I'm I too friendly? Too caring? Too polite? Too nice?
Too fat? Too short? Too hairy?
Too poor? Don't drive the right car? Don't live in the right neighborhood?

Just what the fuck exactly makes me undate-able and uninteresting to other men?

Comment Response

Before reading this post, it may be helpful to read the previous post and then the comments. It will help make sense of this one.

While I realize this blog has many loyal followers, which I appreciate, this blog does not reflect my life in it's entirety. There are many parts of it, in fact, about 90% of my life prior to me starting the blog in September 2008, that my readers know nothing about. I've shared a few things from my past but not all. I elude to things and how they use to be. To say this blog is a 100% true reflection of my entire life would be erroneous. After reading a comment on my previous post, I'm left with the impression that maybe by leaving so much out, my readers don't know me as well as they would like to think based on just these blog entries. I've ran across this before from another post and comment by another follow blogger, which I addressed privately. Since this is the second time, I figured I would make this one public.

Prior to 2008, my life was going pretty well. I had money and a job doing something I enjoyed. Before 2005, I was at the top of my game as far as income was concerned. I made more than I spent, but was still able to indulge in clothes, jewelry, antiques, artwork, china, crystal and whatever else I wanted. I never had trouble paying bills or had to ask my parents for money for the last decade or more. I was a big boy finally. I took classes to improve my job skills just because. I did volunteer work for Hospice. I still give to charities even in these stressing times, though not as much obviously. And let's not forget the AIDS Walk fundraiser for the last two years, as mentioned here before. Even though I had lost so many of my friends and my ex, I was regrouping. I was learning new skills, meeting new people, doing stuff I enjoyed and had even gotten into the best shape of my life.
What happened you may ask? Life happened. It started with another round of depression. It happened when the well paying job ended because the store location was closed. It happened because my grandfather broke his hip. It happened because nothing good last forever. There is no one certain, defining moment when I can say it all began to slip away. While I still have just about everything left from those times except the money, my parents and I both became older. Thus far, it has taken a bigger toll on them, than me.
The point I'm hoping to make is this: Yes, my parents are going to buy me a house because I can not. My parents will leave me with a trust fund when they are gone. I am by no means spoiled or privileged. I have worked since I was 16. I have always had my own money and a job (even if it sucked or was low paying. I'd work my way up or move to greener pastures when I had the opportunity). So many years with an alcoholic drug addict and a declining economy has taken it toll. I'm not selfish by any stretch. I have had many friends stay free of charge with me over the years or given them money when needed. I've driven 50 miles round trip to make sure friends could get to work and back when they had no transportation. I've listened to countless hours of woe from friends and coworkers. I've helped friends move, build, start a business, etc. countless times, every time they have needed me. Now they are all gone. I'm starting over on all fronts at 46. I don't expect people to do for me all that I've done in the past or willing to to do now for a friend. I'm left alone, with a poor paying job in a crappy economy, and elderly ailing parents, while my sister travels, swims in her pool, and visits once a month. I'm the one that needs someone to listen. Maybe even borrow $20 bucks occasionally. There is no one except my parents. And I'm certainly not waiting for them to die before I start living. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, in this situation. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't. And yes, I'm bored. I have no money to entertain my self with. And few friends I can trouble for company when lonely. But more importantly I'm frustrated at it all. I can only wish to be spoiled or have friends as good as I have been to mine in the past. There were times when I gave so much of myself there was nothing left, but I would gladly do it again if the need arose.
This blog is more about releasing my frustrations and disappointments than a complete anthology of my life. It is meant for me to express the things I have no flesh and blood person to help me work through. Years of therapy and self improvement books have taught me it is needed to be healthy mentally and to keep depression at bay. I ask my readers to understand that. The blog is not the entirety of me or my life in any way.

Passionate or Lazy?

Passions. I have many or none, depending on how you define it. Tommy and I actually had this discussion not long ago when I was over. He wanted to know what I like to do/ dreamed of doing/ got excited about / felt passionate about. I couldn't think of anything then and can't now. There are many things I enjoy doing and wish I could do more often, but there isn't one singular thing that sustains my interest for months at a time, much less years at a stretch. My interest wanes, my attention drifts. Now when I'm engaged in these activities, I can lose track of time for hours, even days if uninterrupted by life's duties. Then it will fade not to return for several months. This may explain why I've had so many jobs. I bore easily. Learning and sharing knowledge intrigues me, but not enough to be a school teacher. Arts, crafts, design, photography, and hands on things like building or gardening thrill me, but usually time and money is what places a damper on those activities. I love to write, though horrible at trying to express what I want to convey and still haven't figured out a way to make money doing it. Always wanted to write a book or screenplay, even purchased how-to books on the subject, but life distracts me like little shiny objects to a magpie. I've always wanted to own a nightclub, or a men's clothing store or even my own jewelry store, alas, money has been the big hindrance there. While I may kid that I'm devoid of passion, I am not. I just have too many to focus on and have yet to have everything I need to strike out on a venture to coalesce at the same time to make it happen with any sort of endurance. So yes, I'm bored with my life, with the way it has shaped up and with what I know is my own wasted potential. I want to reshape the world. I just haven't figured out how to do it.

Sweetly

I wanna lay you down in clouds of white

I wanna make love till dark turns to light

I wanna feel you wrapped around me tight

I want your whispers to tickle my ear

I wanna kiss away the past you fear

I wanna hold on to you my dear

Sweetly we drift into forever

Sweetly we slowly meld into the other

Sweetly our souls rejoice

Our saving grace is love

Our blessing is finding one another

Our happily ever after unfolds

One heartbeat at a time

One touch at a time

One moment at a time

Bored...

I'm bored. Listless. I need some excitement. It's the same old tune. I need something or someone in my life to give it purpose. Not saying I'm incomplete without them, just not as fulfilled as I know I could be. Does that make sense? I have time but little money or vice versa. I have friends but they aren't always available or interested in the same things. Maybe more friends would help? Not sure what the solution is. I just need something/someone! I need/want to do things to get me off the computer. I need/want to do things to get out of the house. I wouldn't mind talking on the phone if it didn't cost me so much to do so. I like chatting online, but then you have to wait for someone that wants to chat and has the time. I need a hobby or boyfriend. (Or both!) I fill hollowed out inside sometimes. I guess there needs to be something I find satisfying in my life, but I be damned if I know what it will take to do it.

That's All

A casual touch and a sly smile

sends my thoughts a racing.

Logic and consequence sweep away

in a wave of desire and lust

Some small deed or kind word

has my mind whirling at possibilities.

No mind whether right or wrong for me or us

just right now is all that matters

Here in this moment

lost in a haze of chance

All I see is happiness

All I feel is bliss

All I need is you

The Hangover

Yesterday, Tommy texted me if I wanted to come over for drinks with him and Jessica at his house. Of course I went. Had a blast too! We listened to music, danced, talked, laughed, hung out and got really drunk! Jessica and I stayed over night as we were way too wasted to go anywhere. I offered to sleep on the couch but Jessica wasn't having it. I might as well have. Even though I was in the guest room across the hall from Tommy's bedroom, the bed was spinning so bad, I slept (or passed out) on the floor. I woke up at 7am, went downstairs to smoke, then woke Tommy up so he could call in this morning. Surprisingly just a simple poke on his bicep roused him. I laid down again but across the guest bed and slept till about 930. I went downstairs, Jessica was up and Tommy joined us shortly. We gathered up our stuff, thanked him for being a gracious host and hugged each other good bye. We all have done nothing but lay around today recovering from last night. But it sure was fun!

Oasis

While taking a break from weed eating around my parent's old place this afternoon, sipping my drink and contemplating the world, I was suddenly struck by nature, the beauty of it all. I sat there under the shade of a large oak tree, watching the light shimmer as the slight breeze fluttered the leaves. There was no traffic noise reaching the backside of the house, only the buzz of insects and the chirping of birds. I watched the ants go about their forging, oblivious to the hardships of mankind. I sat there, lost in thought, absorbed in the little oasis. I knew outside the borders of my parents property were myriad subdivisions, an elementary school, a busy highway and neighbors, but none of them intruded into my little calm space. Just the insects, the birds, the ants, the dappled sunlight and the cool breeze across the hill. I realized that is what the "country" is all about. Bless our little rural oasis. The calm in the turmoil that every soul needs.

As Usual

What a morning this has been and I haven't even got to work yet! Went for a breakfast biscuit and to add air the the front left tire. As I was pullling out of the parking lot, the tire blew out! I'm just glad it wasn't in my drive way because it slopes or on the highway and have to deal with the traffic and sweating in my work clothes. Small favors right?

I visited with my parents yesterday. Got to see my sister, youngest nephew and niece that were down for a while. We all had lunch. I had to go get gas for the tractor and add a little oil too. Daddy went with me. I think just to get out of the house. I mowed the 5 acres at the other place. Then tilled up a spot for my mother to plant turnips and cabbage.

I liked the little outing with my father. I talked to him about my money situation and how small my checks are every week. I also told him about the phone interview, which actually seem to make him happy, that I was trying to improve my income. We rode through a neighborhood that my mother keeps mentioning whenever we talk about houses for me. I told him my take on it and he agreed it probably isn't the best place to purchase. I think he is finally understanding what I've been trying to tell them all along. It's gonna take money to get what they want me to have and they are gonna have to change their expectations of what is available and where it is located. I've been looking at houses in that area for over 20 years. Now he sees what I've been trying to get them to understand. My mother still doesn't get it, but see is learning it ain't like it use to be around there.

In fact they have decided to subdivide the old place into lots to get it to move quicker. I showed them the Zillow website so they can get an idea of what the market is really like. It gives them a plethora of information to help make better decisions than just assuming they know from what they did 20 years ago. I did convince them to contact their accountant to find out the impact of subdividing verses selling it as a whole. It will cost them more in taxes, but guess they would rather do that than wait forever for the entirety to sell. We may go back to the idea of building depending on the market and what's available at that time. Who knows? Everything is so up in the air. I just want to get on with it already. As I said in an earlier post, I'm in a holding pattern and I'm desperate for some forward movement on some front.

Musing

Not sure where all the introspection is coming from lately. Guess I've reached that point that I'm not content and I'm trying to figure out why. Obviously, my parent's health have some bearing on this. The hold up with selling their old place and figuring out do we subdivide or not is a weight as well. Of course there is the whole job/money thing. I had kinda hoped working again would alleviate that and to some degree it did, just not as much as I would have liked it to. Also the waiting to hear back about the job I applied for is agonizing. I'm not as patient as I use to be nor is time standing still for me to catch up. Then there is the whole looking for a house, looking at plans thing that seems like a total waste of time, given how slow things are moving on my parent's old place. I wonder why I bother at all. And last but not least, there is Tommy. I'm treating him as a friend though that isn't what I want. Given his circumstance and state of mind, I feel it is less stress on both of us, if there were ever a chance of an "us". I don't want to miss the opportunity if it exist and is currently clouded over because of his situation. I think it would be a very sad loss to us both to dismiss it so readily, but I honestly have no clue how to approach it any other way. Usually when I find things so burdensome, I write about it to help sort it out. It doesn't make for an interesting read but it is cathartic to let it out. So here I sit, typing my little heart out, trying to make sense of it all. If something would give just a little or something just fall in to place or click, I feel everything else would domino. It would all be as it should, but no such luck as of yet. Nothing is giving at the moment. I'm stuck in the holding pattern that seems to define so much of my life. I wait. I get frustrated. I want to give up worrying about anything and everything. Then I dive in again. Maybe one day it will change but it can't happen quick enough. I may have to bitch slap it when it does show for taking so long.

Dog vs. Man

Why having a dog is better than having a man.

1. Dogs love unconditionally.


2. If a dog is upset with you, you know why and it makes sense.


3. Dogs don't lie.


4. Dogs are affectionate.


5. Dogs are faithful to the very end.


6. Dogs don't cheat on you.


7. Dogs will always check up on you.


8. Dogs can't get close enough to you.


9. If a dog has issues, they are easier to fix.


10. Dogs are easier to train.


11. You always know where you stand with a dog.


12. You always know the dog will come back.


13. Dogs are always glad to see you whether gone for 30 minutes or 10 hours.


14. A dog is better at reading your moods.


15. A dog will let you know it's needs.

Sport's Oops

The only reason to watch football.

YOU

It begins and ends

cooking or cleaning

relaxing or busy

alone or not

Just another moment

waking up or sleeping

walking or standing

sitting or leaning

Just another thing

here or there or somewhere else

a talk or a thought

a kiss or a cuddle

a hug hello or goodbye

There's just something about you
and I like it

Howdy

Remembrances of times past

The good and the bad

the happy and sad

hidden from view

A quick scribble

Nothing of consequence

brief and untidy words

on a scrap of paper

Hadn't seen light in months

nearly forgotten

till today

A broad smile

the memory sweet

and all it said was

"Howdy"

The Summation

Greatness appears from deep sadness or extreme tribulations it seems. Nothing is so inspiring as facing a loss of personal monumental magnitude to get the creative juices flowing. Nothing prods one onward to magnificent heights as the desire to overcome a tragedy. To rise above any fray, one must first learn how it came about. This is where so many fall short. The lack of introspection and laying of blame at one's own feet keeps many people from achieving personal greatness. (Being defined here as what make you the happiest, on a personal level.) So many fail at the simple feat of personal self assessment. Most fear those parts of themselves that are less than perfect. Most would rather keep it buried deep inside themselves and hidden completely from others, but those are the very things people need to face about themselves for their own benefit and usually a side benefit to their interactions with others. No matter what the issue is, how long ago it was, or how it came to be, it must be brought into the light to be examined. Only then, can the process of self healing begin. (Defined here as forgiveness, spiritual realization, or any-therapy.) These plagues upon the psyche, whatever type of issue, trauma, abuse or like, that is holding a person back from truly being the best they can be, must be dealt with directly. It is the only way to a personal level of self acceptance, personal happiness, and genuine contentment. Understanding yourself, forgiving yourself, and being yourself are the only things that can make a person truly great. It ain't about the consumption of goods or services. It ain't about money. It's about how you define yourself, in your life time despite whatever you may have experienced, for whatever reason. That is what matters the most. Do you allow events to tell you who you are or do you tell events who you are and that they have little bearing on you as person?

Working

Well, today I had to pawn 2 pieces of jewelry to pay the electric bill. I hated to do it but, I can't leave Izzy in a hot trailer all day long or do without the refrigerator. I'll get them out of hock before the month is out. I'd rather pay the ridiculous fee to the pawn shop than go to my parents for money. I'm gonna be late this month on the lot rent because of having to pay the power bill first. It will only have to wait till Friday instead of tomorrow. Of course, there will be a fee added to that as well, but what can you do? It seems like the more I work the less I make at Macy's. If we could actually get 40 hours a week instead of just 35 or 36 hours, it would make a big difference. Even at Christmas, the closest I came to 40 hours was 39.85. Still every little hour I can get helps. If my schedule was fixed, I'd consider a part time job somewhere, but with it jumping all over the place every week, it would be impossible to nail down set times to be somewhere else.

I have applied for a full time position with a small local jewelry store. I did a phone interview about 2 weeks ago. The sales manager seemed to be impressed with my knowledge and experience. I called last week to get a status update. Hopefully I will hear something this week. It would be great if I could get it. It is about half the commute and the schedule is 9 to 6 Tuesday through Saturday, closed Sunday and Monday, without the weird, useless extended hours that Macy's does routinely. It would be great to be back selling fine jewelry. I have my fingers crossed.

Tuesday Tease

"Row, row, row your boat..."

(Yes, we have had that much rain.)

Vague Types and Such

I love men. Yep, no doubt about that. For the most part, I love all men, with few exceptions. Now that the obvious is out of the way, let's talk about what trips my trigger, and floats my boat.
I look more for characteristics and qualities than physical type. That is a little harder to spot without taking the time to get to know someone. Not saying there aren't types that get my attention, but keeping it and wanting something more is a different story.

• Honesty, Respect, Intellect, Conversation, Active, Romantic, Humor, Grooming, Dress, Industrious, Loyal, Faithful, and Goal driven.

Those are the characteristics and qualities I look for in a guy. To me, the physical is too temporal to count for much more than initial attraction. Men get fat or skinny, they wrinkle and sag, lose hair or it changes color, the complexion gets splotchy, sex drive wanes or the equipment doesn't function properly and of course health issues through disease or accident can change the physical form. Who the guy is, what his beliefs are, etc., may evolve but are usually, for the majority, consistent through their life. That is what is hardest to find. Someone that is as far along the journey as me, with all the things I'm looking for in a guy that shares a mutual attraction.

I like men. I can be attracted to more than one "type". I'm not as concerned with the waist line as much as I am if they are reasonably healthy for their age and build. I'm not concerned with hair, whether it's grey, black, brown, blond, red or bald or balding or some permutation thereof, or eye color being whatever it may be, with or without contacts or glasses. As for other physical traits, I do want them to be my height (5'8") or taller, thought exceptions could possibly be made if everything else were there. Their physical build isn't that important either. I like 'em all if everything else comes together nicely. As far as, other attributes, well, I'm not a size queen, but I can be impressed or scared as the case may be. I don't worry much about that area either. (I don't care about whether they are a top or bottom or versatile either, as long as they like sex, we will work it out.)

I'm not concerned with where they live, what they drive, how much money they make, what they do to earn a living, what social circles they inhabit. None of that bothers me if they have the characteristics and qualities I look for and there is a mutual attraction. Sometimes I can't but wonder if maybe my net is cast too wide, but I'm certainly not excluding too many guys from the dating pool.

World of Wonder

Seriously?

Skewed Perspective

While I have been through a lot of experiences both good and bad. And I can relate to just about anything most people have been through, it is still filtered through my experiences, my values, my ideals, my beliefs. My perspective is skewed by these to varying degrees. I usually fail to take into account that not everyone has the resiliency, the familial support, or intellect I do (not that I'm that smart or educated), so while the experience is similar, they are not the same, nor is the other person affected the same. Something as bad as losing my car because I couldn't make payments was more of nuisance and point of pride, than a devastating effect it would have on Tommy. My parents had already told me they would purchase another for me. I would still have transportation. Tommy does not have that. It would be more traumatic for him and his job search or even day to day activities he needs to engage in. Not to mention he is also not as strong willed as I and he is still dealing with the death of his mother in June and the death of his best friend in May. It would be seen as another loss. I came to this realization after talking with Jessica a few days ago at work. It got me to thinking. Though I can sympathize with many tragedies and streaks of bad luck, I can never know fully the effect it has on others, for I am not them. In the greater picture, the things that bind us together as human beings are also the things that separate us. We each process our lives and the events in them, based on what has preceded it on a very personal, individualized basis. Maybe that is why comforting someone in pain, loss, or bad luck always seems so hollow and insincere, no matter how deeply felt, it is only empty words to the other person. Hopefully, the intent is enough, and the sharing of details of the experience will provide the comfort they need and you seek to give.

I'll Drink To That

What do I want to talk about? No idea. There are so many things running through my head right now. Of course Tommy and his situation, but I'm actually weary of posting about him. Same with post about my parents. Same with post about work. Sadly, that is about all my life consist of at the moment. Maybe that is the problem, nothing is really happening that is worthy of a post.

Jessica, Kevin and myself did go out for martinis Thursday after work. Yes Tommy was invited but didn't join us. We went to a Mexican restaurant. It was wonderful. Had a great time hanging out and sweating on the patio. The drinks were great and on special. The bartender was adorable but married. The conversation was wonderful as always. It was a very enjoyable evening without spending a fortune. Hopefully we can all get back there soon.

Love Me or Not

Don’t tease or mislead me.

Don’t play games with my affection or friendship.

Don’t intentionally hurt or use me.

Do give me the respect and consideration I have shown you.

Do let me know you care in word or deed.

Do give me an honest chance for both of our happiness.

Just a Thought

If the wingnuts think that conversion therapy works, lets turn a straight person gay. After all, they believe sexuality is malleable so they can be turned back right? And they believe the process to be harmless, so it should be ok, correct? ~ Ultra Dave

Choices

Everyone gets 4 choices in every situation in life.

1- The Right Choice
2 - A Good Choice
3 - No Choice
4 - A Bad Choice

~ Ultra Dave

You and I

“From the beginning I was enchanted with you. You cast your spell and I fell hard. Not a day since has past without you on my mind. Your tease, your flirts keep me trapped and wishing. I gasp at the sight of you. My heart races when you draw near. I feel my skin flush at your touch. Such an achingly beautiful man you are, inside and out. My soul screams out for it’s mate. Our hugs are never long enough. They only satiate for a short time, then I’m craving more. Eyes that twinkle and a smile that illuminates a room, have lead me to want you more everyday. The mere thought of you being sad or troubled nearly cripples me. I want to protect you, love you, shelter you. I want to be the only one you will ever need. I want to complete you the way you have completed me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I’d lay down my life for you, if need be. My life, my soul, my heart are not complete without you. Let me love you the way you need to be loved in the way that only I can. Smile for me. Hug me. Love me. And I’ll give you the world.”

Monday Tease

Casual Observation

Some days just suck. They start off teasing you with promises of sunshine, but then they turn stormy. People are like days in some ways. The dark and the light. The stormy and calm. The hot and the cold. Full of promise and mystery. Full of the expected and routine. Both people and days come and go. Some days and some people, you will remember forever. Most mix it all together but the best make you better because it. Days and people are a lot like.

Sports Oops

The infamous Lip Lock exposed!

Got Issues

I would like to think I'm issue free, but honestly, I doubt that is truly the case. Tommy remarked once that I had the least issues of anyone he had ever met. It made me smile, but I secretly wondered if he was just being kind or still didn't know me that well. It may have been a case of both. I do have issues, though they are minute and I hide them very well. I have things that push my buttons. I'm aware of them and try to take control of them instead of being ruled by them. I try to turn them into non issues and deal with them privately. Part of self improvement or personal growth is being empowered to make the changes in the parts of yourself you aren't happy with. Losing weight is one example. Another is not letting social faux pas get to you. One person may not see what the big deal is, though to you (me) it is a sign of disrespect or ignorance or such. Those I don't broadcast. I let them pass unless it is so grievous that I can't let it go. Even then, I will do my best to hold my tongue and bitch quietly to myself about it. On the other hand, things that offend common decency shouldn't be disregarded, nor blown out of proportion. My biggest issues are listed below. Can you add to the list?

• Personal insults in retiliation



• Carelessness that results in a loss of some sort



• Vindictive actions that cause regret or damage



• Losing control of one's self to any detremint



• Behaving callously with another's feelings



• Disrespecting a person, or another's property



• Tormenting a person or animal



• Abuse toward another in any shape or form

Undiscovered

There are sides of me yet undiscovered by those around me. A few, even from myself. I like learning and growing as a person. I think that it is such a noble thing to do, to be in constant evolution of one's self. Those that only chase the material things in life, fall short on substance and understanding. I feel sorry for those who never question beyond what they have been taught. I feel they miss a major part of living by doing so. The tribulations of life are there for a reason. The bad experiences are meant to make you stretch your limits, test your boundaries. The good things in life are free and sustaining if we learn to recognize and appreciate them when they arrive, regardless of how fleeting they may be. While perfection is rarely reached, lest by anyone I've met, the pursuit is worthy and rewarding. By opening yourself up to the world around you, you truly find your place in the universe. And with that, your peace.

Thursday Tease

Enjoyable Things

I love it when a guy

• Hugs me from behind



• Kisses my neck or nuzzles my ear



• is playful or teases



• notice the little things about me or my life



• gives long hugs for no reason



• wants to takes pictures together



• makes the first move



• has pet names for me (and me for him)



• is affectionate



• likes to cuddle watching TV or a DVD



• looks at me that certain way that lets you know they want you and care about you

Now to find the guy that can do all this....

Uncle Russell

My uncle Russell passed away Tuesday. His long fight with cancer and emphysema is finally over. I had made mention of it a while back ago in a post. I have been surprised at how long he has lasted after all he had been through. He was my father's youngest sibling and the first to pass away. My father isn't showing much emotion, at the moment, but I'm sure it is hitting him hard. They have always been close and face the same illness. I went to the visitation this evening, stopping by on the way home from work. His daughter was there. She thought I was another cousin. She was dressed more for a motorcycle rally then a visitation. Of course she has always been a tramp. At least her leather vest was black. It was great to see many cousins I rarely see. Sad it had to be under such circumstance. My aunt that cared for him is rather distraught. It showed on her face and I could hear it in her voice. She is the next oldest of the siblings. At 65, may my uncle finally rest in peace. The peace he never knew on this Earth. He will rejoin his parents.

Sunset

Last evening, I went outside to smoke. Tommy was on the couch watching tv. Most times he joins me and we chat while I do my little dirty deed. He stayed inside. Our drinking the night before wore him out. I sat down on the patio and gazed west, over the neighbors houses. I could see the trees on the other side of them standing proud against the sky. There were clouds scattered about that caught the shifting rays of the setting sun. The colors were beautiful. I watched the clouds change shapes. The light falling over the edges like water flows over rocks in a stream. Dusty pinks, creams, grey, against the shifting clouds was mesmerizing. Vivid colors moved across the sky as the sun slowly lowered itself below the tree line, and finally the houses. It was so peaceful. Just the insects and me and the clouds and the setting sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful thing a sunset is to watch.

Inner Space

Reserved. Pensive. Sedate. But maybe I'm just boring, shy and unsure of myself. I have my moments for each. Sometimes all in one day. I would like to think those that have known me for any length of time understand this and see past those less than stellar moments (depression not withstanding). Like everyone else on the planet, I have good days and bad. The good I hope out weights the bad, though I tend to bundle my bad together in stretches of several days. The bad passes and the good return. I consider myself a great person to be around. I'm thoughtful, considerate, humorous, intelligent and respectful, unless I'm protecting myself from getting hurt emotionally. Then I come across as boring and dispassionate. The last thing my ex told me before getting in his car almost 11 years ago, was he spoiled me for other men. I didn't want to believe it or that it was true in any way. Sadly, I believe he was correct. I look at the way I interact with guys I'm interested in. Instead of being the fun loving, open guy I know myself to be, I keep a distance between us. I come across as pensive and aloof. Almost expressionless, rarely smiling or laughing, though that is what I desperately want to do around them. It's always my hope that they will see through this ploy and put forth the effort to get me to trust them, open myself and my heart to them. Of course at the same time I fear becoming an emotional mess if I did. While not a control freak per se, I do rein tight control over myself, my actions, my reactions, my emotions, all not to seem needy or desperate or lonely or maybe even human. Ten years with an unaffectionate alcoholic drug addict will do that to a guy I suppose. Despite myself or maybe because of it, what I really want more than anything, is to be loved unconditionally, without reserve. To be held and comforted for no reason. To feel safe and protected with someone. Therapy through the years lets me know these things about myself. Now maybe others will too. Maybe they know someone like me. Maybe it will help them reach out and see through what is holding themselves back in relationships. Maybe it will help someone find true love. Maybe even someone like me.

Sports Oops

: p

Sunday Tease

Unplanned Fun

After laying around all day Friday and doing nothing, I texted Tommy to see what he was doing. We texted back and forth for a while, then made plans. I drove to his place and picked him up. We went to the liquor store and the grocery store. Constantly chattering about anything and everything. Once back at his place, he cooked hamburgers and made Lemon Drop Martinis. I told him I didn't bring my camera for once, so he took this pic after we set up for the shot. I convinced him to post it on Facebook. Turned out pretty good huh? The drinks were fabulous and flowing till after 1am. He finally gave me a tour of the upstairs. I love his sleigh bed! I've always wanted one of those (or a big four poster canopy bed). As a side note, our furniture would mesh perfectly, just sayin'. We watched "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows, part 1" to get him up to speed for today's matinee viewing of Part 2. As usual, we talked, drank, laughed all night. I finally got home about 2:30 am. I'm exhausted but content. The first time ever last night, we actually viewed a little porn together on his lap top. Guess he isn't as saintly as I thought (wink). Looking forward to hanging out again today with him.